Singing and Dancing Part 1

My self destruction is not loud and exciting. It is not quick or consuming. My self destruction is muted and boring. It is an occasional ciggarette or drinking session. It is self inflicted sleep deprivation. It is sleeping in and wasting a day. Ultimately, my self destruction is a series of mental battles where no one wins and everybody worries.

My lack  of motivation is tempered by my mild depression and existential deliberations. My potential is squandered with every excuse to procrastinate.

I could fulfil all my desires if I put out the effort I am capable of. But instead I come up with excuses and negative scenarios to stop myself from acting. I think that by being patient and waiting for favorable outcomes I will achieve things. This is a lie of disempowerment. This is what keeps me alone and unfulfilled. This is the lie that keeps me uninspired and longing.

I do not risk to venture away from my bubble of imposed security and sheltered states. I stand in the center of my world and look around and judge everything for its possible disaster. How will this end in my feeling self defeated?

I do not know how to share the wins because I do not feel like a winner. I do not celebrate and seek out achievement because I feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough. I loath myself but do nothing to break out and change. I don't know how to be aggressive and confident because I have never cherished those times when my aggressiveness and confidence paid off. I define myself based on the lie that fear pays off and patience is a virtue. I am too weak to achieve my goals and I am too weak to feel passionately about any goals.

I know that passion and drive make successful people but what should I drive for? Why should I be passionate about something? Am I simply not passionate about myself? Do I condemn myself based on years of self doubt and notions of inadequacy? Do I remember all the nervous times and all the times I abstained and use these as examples of how to act?

Why use that model? I should use the memories of when I did badass shit. I should think of myself as one who does what he wants and achieves what he wants.  The one who brushes off failures and moves on to the next challenge. I should think of myself as a doer. I should risk my own impoverished feelings and make a move. Take a stand. Why not?

Emotional update: Journal type entry

Lately I have been feeling a new level of enlightenment. I have been reaffirming myself as a man and an adult and as a person. I have been trying to live with the attitude that I am in control of my attitude. And trying to learn to be happy with the person I have become. I am not a screw up. I think my friends and family really love me. I am trying to enjoy new experiences and people. Trying not to judge too much. I am trying not to be paranoid about getting into trouble. I still feel a huge pressure to be perfect and respectable. I am trying to accept that I do a good job. And that I have become a good person. I am trying to get past the self hate and fears of rejection and inadequacy as a man. I am trying to get out of my own head and just have fun and not worry. I want to believe in myself and have something to strive to do. I still do not know what makes me happy enough to pursue it as a job.

I still beat myself up for seeing what makes men attractive to women. I still call myself a faggot anytime I do anything less than super manly. I still hate my Shitty body. I still don't want to admit that I'm still depressed about being alone. I do not want to admit that I should eat better and exercise. I am over my ex but I am afraid of woman again.

This time for new reasons and old reasons. Old reasons: small penis syndrome makes me embarrassed of my dick and its attractiveness to women. Its been a little over a year since I have kissed someone I really wanted to kiss. I do not make any move any any female I am attracted to. I make excuse after excuse to dismiss every female I interact with. I realized I enjoy the shit out of masturbation. But I want to be with a female super duper intimately. I am a pussy when it comes to asking someone out. I almost don't think I should try, afraid it will all go shitty again. I have brief moments of false victory when a girl will smile at me or talk with me. When I think I was cool or charming with a female. But the is about it. I might chat with a female for a while but I would never tell them the truth about my wickedly sexual desires. And even if I did they would just laugh but really I know that some of the females I am social with might find me attractive and some females have thought about me in romantic and sexual ways.
New reasons: I do not trust woman or myself as a judge of women. I do not know what a want in a woman or what I want in a relationship. It seems like everyone goes through other people like they are testing out a car. I feel like I am better than that. Sometimes I think that women would be lucky to be with me. But I am really worried that my kindness will be ignored or mistreated or taken advantage of. And I will spend all my money and time and it will end up in loneliness and confusion.

I have been thinking that something good will happen soon. That my waiting for a mate will pay off. But I still do very little to make this happen. I just do what I do and if I strike someone's fancy then maybe something good will happen.

I pretend that happiness is the goal to life. I pretend that I live in the moment. I pretend that I am confident. I pretend that I know what is going on. But I am afraid that my pretending will be found out. And someone will say I caught you. I knew you were a fuck up. I knew you couldn't do it.

I pretend to be smart and able. What I need to realize is that at this point I am not pretending any more. I am living my life the way I always pretended life was supposed to be. And I want to be able to admit that and be validated by others as a successful man. I have never been in real trouble in my life and yet it feels just around the corner. I feel weak when I express these thoughts and I feel more alone when I find myself incapable of expressing them to others.

I am alone in my tightened and stressed membrane, paralyzed by doubt I recoil like a snake into a den of my own making.

When relating myself to the world I need to be less judgemental and more forgiving of everything. I need to accept that I am a good man.

I hate silence

I sit alone a lot. Sitting by myself with the tv distracting me from my thoughts. But it doesn't succeed and my thoughts break through like a silent waterfall. Slowly turning on me and becoming entwined with bullshit and self doubt.