I walk around the mall watching people. As I do this I am listening to Doug Stanhope on my sweet Bluetooth headset and walking with swift purpose. The purpose is really a hoax for I don't have any need of anything the mall might have other than the potential to satiate my voyeurism. I walk among them with a secret. Am I to keep it?
I wonder who notices me and what they think. Maybe they think, who is this shorter than average 30 something man walking with such purpose? What does he know that we, the public, don't? Why does he seem so confident and aloof?
Well, I can only assume that my secret is really a sense of pretentiousness. A sense of superiority. I am not sure what justifies this swagger. I am not accomplished or wisened. I am not kind or giving. I am decent at best but I certainly think a lot about what is better and what is good and I deem most as subpar.
I think the machismo I harbor and restraint must be a compensation. A way of masking the fear of judgment and rejection. A way to wall off others. I automatically assume I know that most people are not worth my time. Because my time is precious, and yet I waste so much time with mediocre successes and dispassionate work. Why cut myself off to others and then sit back and admit it to blogs? Is there a pretentiousness to that as well? Constantly patting myself on the back for my introspection. Is that who I am?
Since I was young, looking out at the playground at all the kids running around, I have been observing others like a hawk on a wire. I could never imagine that anyone could think like I do. That anyone had a mind like mine. That I was special. And maybe that has sustained my ego even amongst the myriad of bad decisions and lack of ambition. I can look inside and tell myself that I am unique and interesting. That it's the thought that counts. But as I get older I think the actions matter more but what have I done? What have I done that is even remotely intellectual or brave? What have I done that will last and be remembered? Have I done anything to be proud of? I'll keeping thinking.
I attempt so much to be unlike the rest, the masses, that I'm not sure who I am. In staying away from the mainstream and struggling to perch above it all I have squandered my precious time. I have more time but what to do with it? What matters in a world divided and a mindset apart?
