Thursday, April 23, 2020

Brief Thoughts on the Ontological Argument




The ontological argument...

Anselm defined God as "a being that which no greater can be conceived", and argued that this being must exist in the mind, even in the mind of the person who denies the existence of God. He suggested that, if the greatest possible being exists in the mind, it must also exist in reality because if it exists only in the mind, then an even greater being must be possible—one which exists both in the mind and in reality. Therefore, this greatest possible being must exist in reality. 
---- From Wikipedia

The first issue I have with this argument is the use of the word "being". Is a being a conscious creature? Is a being a sentient thing? Is a being a type of person? Is a being an alien? Anyway...

The use of the term "greater" is an issue as well. The term greater makes no sense by itself. Greater than what? Greater just means bigger or better or more, which all require context. There has to be a standard to refer to. Maybe Anselm created this context in his works and defined a standard "being" in which to compare his notion of a greater being and then went so far as to infinitely extend the idea until he just ended with the word God. As in the same God that is the vague term used to describe any unknown or unknowable thing personified as an agent. 

Essentially the argument is...

If I can think about something it can exist outside the mind if I  just ad the word "better" to it. With the word better I can argue that it is better to exist outside the mind and therefore if a thing I think about is the best of its category (for example a "being") then it must exist because it would be better to have that thing in existence outside the mind than limited to just inside the mind. 

This argument is shit. It allows for existence to arise from thoughts alone and for anything thought of to exist in reality. 

Example: If I can think of the best guitar and it exists in my brain then the best guitar must exist in reality because the best guitar is only made the best by existing outside the brain. Because it is better to exist then to simply be imagined. But the concept of better and the concept of existence have little to do with each other. 

Something can exist without being better than anything else. Being better only occurs when comparing two things and not all things require comparison to understand. It can simply have a purpose or a relationship with other things or it might be something that simply exists with no discernable interaction with anything you understand. Maybe you see a cloud a few miles away. It makes no difference to you in any practical way but you see it and it exists. It is not better or worse than anything. It's just a noteworthy cloud. 

Any argument that puts human consciousness as the basis for reality seems needlessly vain. The idea that nothing would exist without humans is ridiculously presumptuous because it presumes that before humans existed there was nothing. This is stupid. Before you existed plenty of things existed. Unless you don't believe that things exist outside of your mind. If you think that the only existence that exists is the existence of thoughts and that you have a singular existential experience and that is what matters seems too insular. The history of life is the history of interaction. From when single cells began to combine with each other all biology has been an interconnected network of communication, metabolism, and other ecological concepts. To distill all of existence to what exists in human minds seems limited. 

Humans attempt to describe reality based on their sensory and communicative capabilities. Because humans observe reality and have the ability to see themselves as a part of that reality they can describe themselves in the same way they describe other things. Just because you exist and your brain exists doesn't mean that something you thought of exists outside your synapses. I would imagine that it would be easier to think of things that don't exist rather than think of things that do exist. Even if you had a complete list of things that actually exist in the universe you could still think of combinations or exaggerations of those things that would exponentially increase the things you can think about. Most of those things would not exist. 

For example: If I know of all the animals that exist I can imagine each of those animals with a chair growing out of their back and I just doubled the amount of bullshit in my head but that doesn't mean that each animal exists with a chair growing out of its back in reality. It makes no sense. Being able to think about something or imagine something has almost no relation to what actually exists in the world. 

It seems like ontological arguments are actually just arguments designed to satisfy an already-held view. It puts too much value on cognitive capacities and conjures up reality out of thin air which is not scientific or rational. If one wants to justify their irrational beliefs one can use the ontological argument.

I'm reminded of the argument, "I think, therefore I am." The problem with this is that in isolation you can't really determine that you exist scientifically. There is nothing to test against. You need others to verify a hypothesis and engaging in experiments. I think that if others think you exist and you can interact with external objects then you probably exist. Or at least exist in some context.

The concept of God exists but that doesn't mean that there is a perfect "being" running around doing things.  

Monday, April 20, 2020

Photo Journal 4/20/2020


Shot with Canon 80D and 100mm Macro 2.8 Lens
Portland, Oregon
Follow me on Instagram @g_grins and @fractalfocus.nature



Click to Enlarge









Sunday, April 12, 2020

Philosophical Zombies? (On Consciousness and Concepts)






Zombies aren't real so any reference to them as a legitimate metaphor for a being that acts like a human but has no internal conscious experience is nonsensical. The reason this metaphor is confusing and mostly useless is two-fold.

The first issue is the use of the term "zombie". Zombies are not real and appealing to them as a way to create clarity is a contradiction. It's like trying to understand horses by appealing to unicorns. Unicorns do not have a consistent definition and any definition must contain some amount of supernatural or unreal elements. Because unicorns are not real one can ascribe any characteristic they would like. This makes the concept of "unicorn" open-ended and in no way analogous to anything real, like a real horse. Using something fake to understand something real seems counterproductive.

The concept of "zombie" is similarly vague and inconsistent as the term "unicorn". Some definitions have zombies being able to do different things in different ways. Some zombies can run and some can solve simple problems. Sometimes there are zombie animals. All zombies represent the animal instinct of feeding and violence. All zombies represent something to be feared and one is always justified in destroying them. Zombies tend to represent the evil lurking inside of humanity and in my estimation, they do not offer a useful analogy to anything resembling the average person and offer nothing in relation to understanding consciousness.

The Second thing:

Now, when someone like David Chalmers uses the term "philosophical zombies" they are attempting to offer a juxtaposition between the human that has subjective experiences and the human that does not have subjective experiences. This type of "zombie" is not evil, necessarily, or violent or stupid but is, on its face, indistinguishable to a normal person. If you interact with one of these "zombies" you would say that they were conscious and they would say that they had thoughts and feelings but they would be lying or simply saying things that they think you want to hear. A robot seems like a more obvious metaphor in that we understand that a robot can do things just based on response algorithms as opposed to interacting with its own internal decision-making process, where they debate against themself the options and consequences of actions like people seem to do.

I think that it is actually impossible to imagine and understand something that has all of the same properties and characteristics as a human except this one aspect, subjective experience. It is similar to having a substantive understanding of the concept of nothing or infinity. While we can use these terms to express specific concepts in math or as metaphors for a lack of understanding it is impossible to have a realistic representation in your mind of these terms. When you think about what the term "nothing" means you might think of blackness or the vacuum of space of the number zero or the stillness that comes from meditation or ultimate quietness but none of those things you are thinking about are actually nothing. "Nothing" does not contain any concepts, words, thoughts, analogies, substances or thoughts. Actual nothingness is not a concept that contains anything and we lack the capability of understanding it fully. It is the same with the term infinity and in the concept of the philosophical zombie.

Any contemplation of an entity that acts exactly like a person but somehow isn't a person is a contradiction of how we identify people. We only need the term "subjective experience" because we communicate with others. If a person were never to interact with others then the concept of subjective experience would not have any use and the person would never need to contemplate the concept. The person might have consciousness but the identification of these things would be useless and could never be proven. If the person looked inward and was able to communicate to themself that they were conscious they would have no way to test this theory. Also, the idea that a person would spontaneously come up with language or abstract theories without interaction with others is nonsensical. Some thought experiments are so unrealistic they are actually a waste of time.

On consciousness:

If consciousness is derived from physical processes then there is no reason to hold it as a human-only phenomenon. If consciousness is somehow separate from physical processes then one can say anything they want about it and it would never be provable or disprovable. If something can not be scientifically examined then there is no reason to apply scientific standards. If consciousness is emergent from physical networks or is fundamental within physics then there is no reason to think that robots or zombies couldn't be conscious. Just because we don't have a direct physical explanation of consciousness at the moment doesn't mean that consciousness is something metaphysically special.


So what would it be like to be a zombie or a philosophical zombie? This is similar to contemplating what it is like to be a bat or anything other than a human. Just because we can come up with the sentence doesn't mean it is meaningful. Thinking that it is "like" something to be some other entity puts a lot of value in the human imagination. Human creativity and imagination is an amazing tool but it is not an all-knowing power and is rarely accurate scientifically. It is certainly fun and can help to push past certain obstacles of understanding but it isn't a form of divinity that supersede or replace scientific rigor and logic. Just because we can imagine something doesn't mean anything important. The human mind can combine and exaggerate concepts to no end but none of these imaginings should be used as doctrine. Just because I have a dream about something doesn't mean I should act on that imagining.

I'm not sure it "is like" something to be me. My experience of myself is not reducible to a likeness or analogy. If someone were to ask me "what is it like to be you," I could try to answer in many ways. I could say, "well it is the same as anyone else. I wake up. I eat. I sleep. I have thoughts and feelings. I get anxious and experience happiness at times," but is this what it's "like" to be myself or is it just some language that I think the other person might relate to so that I don't seem like a robot or psycho to them? Any attempt to reduce the human experience to what it is "like" to be them is necessarily lacking in detail. Also, all this is "likeness" talk is dependant on language and language may not be capable of describing an accurate model of experience and so there will always be a lack of understanding as we try to map non-linguistic information (feelings) onto language.

This is not to say that language is not useful or helpful it just isn't the entire story when it comes to human experience and consciousness. Consciousness and language are inexorably linked in our communication of consciousness. Our ability to communicate allows for concepts in general and the concept of consciousness seems to be limited by our ability to use communication tools. Language is just one way to communicate so maybe what it is like to be something is better communicated by some other artform. Maybe what it is like to be someone would be communicated better by creating a multimedia artwork that involves all the senses including emotional senses induced by drugs. Maybe what it's like to a bat is closer to what it's like to be on cocaine all the time. I'm not sure how to test this theory.



Also, I'm not sure if consciousness is the only germane factor in ethical considerations. A person in a coma still retains some ethical considerations even if they may never get out of their coma. Using the desire to understand consciousness as justification for ethics doesn't seem to be a sufficient reason. Justice isn't an entirely logical endeavor and relies on emotional intuitions many times. Our sense of justice is often invoked by feelings.



Top-down versus bottom-up.

 I like bottom-up explanations so, to me, looking at consciousness as a top-down phenomenon is difficult to understand. You have to take consciousness as given and I don't know why one would do that. We think that consciousness is a certainty but if the history of science shows us anything it is that skepticism is more useful than certainty. Taking consciousness as a given allows one to move past the problem of what creates it and allows one to think of what the effects of consciousness are. This is useful to solve other problems but taking consciousness for granted is not a way to understand what consciousness is on a fundamental level. It is the same as quantum physics. Taking quantum physics for granted allows people to understand its consequences but it doesn't lead any to understand what underlies its existence.


Friday, April 10, 2020

Sunday, April 5, 2020

30 Days of Heroes: Day 1 The Fitness Hero




The Fitness Hero




I woke up with a headache and a furious anger. My prison cell was clean at least. I tried to smash my way through the door but it didn’t budge. I tried to rip the toilet out of the ground but it didn’t budge. I’m not the strongest man but I’m a big man, yet none of my rage was satisfied as everything in the little room was bolted to the ground or molded into it, save a pillow and blanket that was now strewn about the small area; sadly representing the minimal amount of chaos I could conjure.

Two days ago I was at my house as normal. I'd worked from home as an editor for the past six years and I liked my job. Getting outside wasn’t something I enjoyed and ever since the viruses had spread across the earth the smart people had decided not to risk going out where other people could infect them. My meals and groceries were delivered and dropped on the front porch. It had been at least a year since I’d even seen another person in real life, which was just fine with me. I was never really inclined to social gatherings, I had my online friends and my mom, of course, and I was happy in that world.

After catching my breath I sat down on the steel cot that was barely big enough for my body and thought about what I would do to the person that put me there. I imagined myself hiding behind the door and then when the person stepped in I imagined my hands around their neck and squeezing the life out of them. I looked at the door and saw myself in its mirrored metal shine and what I saw was angry and hungry and confused.

Sometime later a bell chimed loudly and a small green light started to pulsate beside the door jam. I jumped up and did my best to hide beside the door but there wasn’t enough room so I sat back down and waited. The door started to slide upwards slowly and I learned that it wasn’t a normal door. It slid up only about three inches and before I could get up to see who was on the other side a tray of food was shoved under the opening and the door closed again.

The food was surprisingly fresh and tasted amazing. There wasn’t much there, though. Just a salad and some kind of broth soup but I devoured it in no time with the little plastic fork and spoon. It just made me hungrier and after licking the bottom of the bowl I wanted more. My face was fully inside the bowl when a soft female voice filled the room.


“Hello! Welcome to the New Lifestyle facility! Are you ready to make a change,” she asked with all the chipper enthusiasm of a cheerleader.

“What the fuck,” I muttered as I looked around the room for the source of the voice and found that a ten-inch display was now in the door. It was surrounded by the door’s mirrored surface so that as I looked at the screen I could see myself and my clenched hands. A beautiful young woman with jet black hair smiled at me from the screen. I assumed she was digital but it was so realistic that I couldn’t really tell.

“I’m Zoey and I’m here to tell you the plan,” she whispered the last part and winked as if it was some kind of silly joke. She continued, “Let’s face it. You’re an unhealthy little piglet, but not for long! I am here to whip you into shape.” She snapped her fingers and suddenly she was wearing a sexy leather bondage outfit and had a long whip in her hand. She whipped at the screen and just then an ear-piercing CRACK rang in my ears and I felt a sharp pain on my back. I turned around and saw nothing. I turned back around and Zoey was doubled over laughing. The sharp pain was hot on my shoulder and I felt the wetness of my blood through a new hole in my shirt.

The screen now showed Zoey in a gym wearing a skin-tight athletic outfit and stretching.

“Don’t you want to join me here in the Gym, Sawyer? I know you do. Well, good news! Your path to a healthy new lifestyle starts now!”

Another sliding door at the back of the cell wooshed open revealing an impossibly vivid mountainscape. Curious and somewhat awed, I stepped outside and immediately I was hit by a gust of wind that was crisp and cold. I was in the high Alps with a mountain path up ahead and majestic snowy peaks all around. I took a few steps forward and wondered how this was possible and then I remembered my rage. When I turned around the door was gone and I ran to where it should have been. There was now a large boulder in the middle of the path and I pounded on where I thought the door was until Zoey’s voice filled the whole space like a god was in the mountains with me.

“Sawyer! You can’t leave unless you stick with the plan. You’re an angry piggie, aren’t you? It will be so much better if you just play along. OK?” Her eyes were staring at me from another monitor, this one looking like it was installed in the large flat boulder on the treeless mountain path.

“Fuck you!” I screamed as loud as I could, spitting on the screen and slamming my hand against the rock.

Zoey’s face contorted, morphed, turned red and long horns grew out of her head but then she just sighed, as if this was old hat. “Fine then,” she said the screen disappeared.

The wind stopped and I was left in silence. The sky went gray and a soft buzzing sound could be heard all around. The buzzing grew louder and soon it was deafening. A gray cloud appeared over a hill ahead of me and began moving toward me until it was the only thing I could see. I tried to scream but only heard the bees and as they surrounded me I felt the stings of a million small needles. A flash of searing pain and I passed out.


                                                                          *  *  *


I sat on my cot looking at the tiny red pinpricks that covered my arms. They were real! Not the bees but the things that caused the pain. Somehow I was in a place that could make any cruel thing happen and nothing made any sense. How did I get here? Why? Was it some kind of sadistic athletic club I didn’t remember signing up for?

I turned and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was overweight and I was certainly not as healthy as I could be. Also, I was so hungry! As if someone had read my mind the front door opened a few inches and a tray of food slid in. This time it was sushi and miso soup. I ate it in about two seconds. It was so good but it was not enough. It just made me hungrier. I thought of the burritos and hamburgers that I could be eating. I started to get angry and I started pacing around the room. Back and forth I went for what seemed like hours until suddenly the door at the rear opened.

Ahead lay the high mountain path again and I could see the cool breeze as the bushes swayed back and forth in the distance. An eagle swooped across the scene and dove into nothingness. I wasn’t so angry anymore and I was tempted just to feel the breeze on my face. I took a step forward and stopped. Fuck this! I wasn’t going to play their games. I turned around so as to not be tempted by the simulated outdoor scene and my anger came back to me in full. I took the shiny aluminum tray, turned around and threw the tray into the fake mountains as hard as I could. With a clank, it hit an invisible wall about 20 feet deep into the room and hit the ground and looked out of place, like a glitch in the Matrix. Before I could think, the door wooshed closed and Zoey’s voice could be heard.

“Sawyer! What are you doing?”

“I’m not playing your game!” I yelled at the beautiful torturer, who was sardonically smiling at me from the door’s screen like she was just on the other side peering through a glass window. But there were no windows.

“If you don’t listen you will be punished.”

My skin flinched and I remembered the bees and the whip. I sat on the cot with all the fight knocked out of me. My anger did nothing and nothing made sense so what could I do?

“Just take a walk Sawyer and you’ll feel better.”

The screen disappeared and then the door to the mountains opened again. I stepped out and closed my eyes as the wind and simulated sun hit my face. It felt so good and I just let go of my confusion and allowed myself to pretend it was real. I took it all in and took a deep breath. The ground felt real and the scenery was lovely. I walked at a leisurely rate and slowly made my way up the mild incline toward the peak that towered above. After about half an hour I was out of breath. I sat on a rock and caught my breath and wasn’t sure if I could keep going. They never said I had to reach the top so maybe this was good enough?

“One more minute to rest.” Zoey’s voice echoed from all around.

I got up and started walking again. It wasn’t so bad but in another half an hour my chest was heaving. The incline had increased and I could hardly stand up. My knees ached and my legs were like soft cheese. I sat on a nearby rock, of which there always seemed to be one handy, and took sharp breaths. Each inhale stung my lungs.

“One minute of rest.” The horrible godlike voice emanated from the skies.

I couldn’t move. I was done. So be it, I thought and waited for something horrible. The silence came again along with the buzzing and soon the sky was gray. I looked around and saw the gray cloud come over the hill down the path behind me. I tried to take a few deep breaths and my lungs convulsed but it was enough to propel me up and onto my feet. As I stood up the buzzing started to fade and the sound of the mountains came back. I took a few more steps. Then another and another and soon I was nearing the top.

My lungs were numb. My legs were numb and my thighs were on fire. I was dying but I was walking. The sun was setting as the top of the mountain came into view and I thought I smelled bacon. Then my legs gave out. I didn’t know I was falling until I was facing the ground. My face hit the hard earth and my vision turned to black.


                                                                          *  *  *


I woke up in my cot with fresh clothes, comfy sweatpants, and a soft sweater. Also, new underwear and I realized that every time I passed out the room had been cleaned and any food trays were taken away. Someone was doing this while I slept. I figured that they must have a way to make sure I was out for a certain amount of time in order to control things. Then I smelled the bacon again and sat up fast.

There was a tray sitting on the counter waiting for me with something amazing on it. Most of the tray was covered in steak bites wrapped in bacon except for one area with a small salad and there was a fresh bottle of water as well. I ate so fast that I almost choked to death so I slowed down. It was so good but I was still hungry. I chugged the water and then decided to finish the salad even though it wasn’t as tasty as the steak. I wasn’t letting any food go to waste. After the binge, I laid down and passed out again.


                                                                              *  *  *


The next day there was something new waiting for me in the simulation room. It was a boring-ass gym with just one thing in it, a pull-up bar. I really didn’t think that was a good idea. But I walked into the room and soon Zoey’s voice welcomed me.

“Good morning Sawyer! I hope you’re ready for some more fun!”

“Fuck you, Zoey.”

“That’s not nice. Anyway, today we are going to do a little bodyweight routine and if you get through the whole workout you will get a treat! You want a treat don’t you piggie!?

“Fuck you, Zoey.”

“Here is the plan. We will start with 10 burpees. Then five pull-ups. Then 25 crunches. Lastly, you will do five more pushups. Not that bad, right? We kept it easy for your first week. Oh, and you have 15 minutes to do one set and you will do four sets with a five-minute break in between sets.”

“I don’t think I can do one pull up, Zoey.”

“And go!” Zoey shrieked and a timer appeared at the back of the room.

“What the fuck is a burpee, Zoey?”

“Oh, right.” She said and then she appeared in front of me in lifelike fashion. I was taken aback by her insane beauty. Her violence was forgotten for a moment as I watched her demonstrate a burpee. “This is the easy version but later you will add a jump right here.” She jumped up and her perfect breasts seemed to grow as they bounced with her. She looked me in the eye and started to walk toward me in silence. My mouth was dry and might have been open but I’m not sure. She walked forward until I thought she would run into me, if that was even possible, and then disappeared.

“And go!” She yelled and chuckled and the timer started over.

The first couple of burpees were ok but after about five I slowed down and was having a hard time breathing. I hadn’t done any pushups in the past twenty years; not since I was in school and they made us all do them. My arms struggled to lift my weight and before I could get out another three I heard a very loud buzzer. I sat down and the world around me faded to black and I was surrounded by nothing, except the pullup bar, which was still in the center of the room. I waited for pain but after a few minutes the room filled with “Gym” again.

“You are very out of shape Sawyer,” Zoey’s disembodied voice said with disdain. “But you’re trying so I’ll give you another chance.”

I stood up. “I can’t do it. I can’t do what you asked!” I yelled at the room.

“All you have to do is one full set and you will not be punished but instead you will get a small reward. And go!”

I tried again and pushed past the pain and got through the burpees. Then I started on the pullups but after two my arms were jelly. I couldn’t do it anymore so I decided to try the crunches. They weren’t so bad and I sweated my way through them. Then I did another pullup but only one, barely. I tried to do a pushup but the buzzer went off and I let myself fall to the ground. I panted heavily and felt like I might pass out and the room went dark again.

After a few minutes, the door to the cell opened and the bright light reminded me of where I was, or at least where to go next. I slowly got up and made my way back into the cell where a bottle of water was waiting on the counter. I chugged it and was happy to be out of that room. I expected some kind of punishment but it didn’t come.

The next two days I spent in lonely silence with only three small meals a day to keep me company. Always with the salads and soups or rice and chicken or eggs and vegetables. It was never enough and my stomach ached constantly. I could hardly move from the soreness in my limbs and spent much of the time sleeping.

I woke to a voice coming from the door. A news program was on the screen and the reporter was talking about the new virus. There had been four new pandemic level viruses in the past ten years and the newest one was just given the designation Porcine-2. After each virus was detected it only took about two weeks for the Global Viral Consortium to identify the populations that were most at risk. The first virus targeted children and the world lost three percent of all children under the age of ten. Then it was women. Then it was men and the more macabre entertainers made odd jokes about fairness. But it wasn’t fair.

The new virus was targeting overweight people, the reporter said.


                                                                       *  *  *


I had lost about 30 pounds in under two months. Every day was a new challenge with a gradual progression toward more difficult work until I was able to jog up the mountain path with relative ease. I was up to 20 real burpees, 10 pullups, 100 crunches, and 10 pushups and I could do 3 sets. Only once had I been whipped for not trying hard enough and I was really getting better. If I accomplished something difficult I would be rewarded with treats like strawberries, bacon, steak, and once I got a piece of carrot cake.

Zoey was really helping me out and teaching me about the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. I learned about the negative outcomes that can come from being overweight. No one had told me about heart disease before. At least not with the aid of thousands of videos of how it happens and of fat people having heart attacks. She showed me people who had their toes and feet cut off because of Type 2 diabetes. Somehow she seemed even more beautiful than ever, especially when she wasn’t turning into a demon.

One day, while jogging through the jungle, with parrots cawing and monkeys cackling softly around me, Zoey and I talked.

“You’re doing so well Sawyer. Aren’t you happy with the progress you’ve made?”

“Of course I am. I never thought that I would enjoy exercising but now I feel like a different person.”

“That’s great! We’re all really proud of you.”

“That’s good. Wait, we? Who else is there?”

“Well, the whole team of course. It’s not just me behind the curtain.”

“Oh, yeah. That makes sense. I guess I just thought about you doing everything. Who else is out there?”

“Just a group of people dedicated to helping you get better.”

“Ok. Well, I think that I am ready to get back to normal life, don’t you? I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel like I will keep it going in the real world. Don’t you agree?”

“I think that you are doing very well, Sawyer.”

“So, I can leave soon then? I really want to see my Mom. I’m sure she will be proud of me.”

“I’m sure she would be.”

“Would be? What does that mean?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Never mind. Your mother will be very proud.”

“Why did you say “would be”? What does that mean!”


“I really shouldn’t say. It came out wrong.”

I stopped jogging and put my hands on my knees. “Come on Zoey. Just tell me. I won’t be mad.”

“If you promise not to tell anyone I told you.”

“Please tell me.”

“She’s sick Sawyer. She’s in the hospital.”

“What?! Why?”

“She has a virus.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had talked to her and she was fine right before I was kidnapped and taken there. Now she was sick? She never went out of the house and was always healthy as far as I knew. “What virus Zoey?”

“The F-15 virus.”

“I’ve got to get out of here and see her.”

“You're not ready yet. You're still not well enough or have the habits to stay healthy. We haven’t even talked about nutrition.”

“Fuck nutrition! I have to see my mom,” I said to the world and then turned around and started running toward the door. In reality, it was only a foot or two away but it was about a twenty-minute jog from where I was in the simulation. After a few minutes of running as fast as I could, I pleaded to Zoey to let me out but the door never appeared so I kept running.

“You will fail the course and be punished if you stop now,” Zoey said with growing frustration. “You need to turn around now!”

I kept running until I got to where the door should have been but it was concealed by the environment. “Let me out!” I screamed and pounded my fists on the rock wall that always held the door to the cell. Then a loud, screeching buzzer sounded and the world became silent. I stopped pounding and was out of breath. I dropped to my knees and heard a rustling in the bushes behind me. When I turned to look a massive tiger was peering out of the greenery at me. My heart stopped for a second until I remembered that it wasn’t a real tiger.

“Fuck you,” I yelled at the tiger. “Fuck you all!”

Then the tiger started to bound toward me. I closed my eyes and tried to shield my face with my arms and then I felt the hard teeth bite into my calf and I was being dragged into the jungle. I opened my eyes to see that I was, in fact, being pulled farther into the room. The tiger was there, with its mouth around my leg, but there was also a metal mouth attached to a chain. The metal mouth and the tiger let go and then both seemed to go for my face. I put my arm up and they bit into it with horrible force and I screamed. It thrashed around for a second and then I felt a pinprick in my neck and everything went black.


                                                                              *  *  *


I woke up with bandages on my arm and leg. I felt like I’d been attacked by a living bear trap with the face of a tiger. I sat up and the door opened and a tray of food was slid in. It was hot soup and salad and smelled great but I just stared at it. It was their food and I was sick of it. Every day, the same thing. Breakfast, cardio, lunch, then body weights, dinner, then stretching and more cardio. They kidnapped me and tortured me and I had started to buy into it for some reason. I believed that they were helping me and that I was just a fat pig. I looked into the mirror and it showed me something different. A person I barely recognized. I dumped every bit of food into the toilet bowl and threw the tray against the door.

“You shouldn’t do that Sawyer,” Zoey said with her chastising “mom” voice. “You need to eat so you can continue the plan.”

“You’re right Zoey,” I said. “You’re right. Can I have some food Zoey?”

“Of course you can. I’m glad you changed your mind.”

The door opened slowly and another tray came in.

“Do you think I could look at the mountains while I eat Zoey? It would help me calm down.”

The door at the rear of the cell whooshed open and the heavenly Alps were just outside. The wind softly blew across the wintery path up to the summit. The sparse green bushes and grass swayed back and forth as the clouds floated along the sunny sky. I sat for a moment with the tray in my hand looking out at the simulation. Then, I stood up and as I got closer to the door I heard her.

“You can’t eat there. You know that. It’s just for looking.”

I took another step.

“I will close the door if you keep going.”

I leaped forward and before the door could close I was outside with the food.

“You can’t eat in here Sawyer!” She was mad now.

I wanted to walk toward the edges of the room but as soon as I started walking the ground underneath betrayed me. I was walking in place as if I was on a treadmill. No matter which direction I tried I just stayed in place. So I tried a jump. I made it about three feet and as soon as I did the room turned pitch black and I heard the floor move.

I felt around myself with my hand and there were walls in all directions. I was in a black box that I could only turn around in so I did and when I did the door to the cell opened ahead of me. The bright lights guided me back to the shiny room and the path was singular. As I walked forward the world faded back to the mountain pass behind me and before I entered the cell I tossed the tray backward over my head. Lettuce, tomatoes, dressing, and soup splattered against the imitation floor behind me but it was too late. My tantrum was complete.

Before I could sit on the cot the front door whooshed open and an enormous man with an all-black hazmat suit and black gas mask stood there. With just two giant steps he was on me. I tried to punch at his face but he easily dodged my fist and grabbed me by my throat. After a few seconds of throttling, he let go and I tried to catch my breath. Before I could get my bearings I was over his shoulder looking at the back of the room. The door to the simulation room was open and it looked like a normal room for a second and before the door to the cell closed I saw a woman with black hair cleaning up the soup.

I bounced along, like a toddler on his dad’s shoulder, down a hallway that looked like what I imagined the inside of a castle would look like. There was an ornate gray carpet running the length and white pedestals holding sculptures under a series of enormous windows. There was a soft white light coming from the windows but before I could enjoy the real sun a door opened and I was tossed onto a fairly plush mattress in the middle of a room padded on every side with thick white foam. I sat up on the mattress and watched the giant creature close the door behind him.

I didn’t want to imagine what kind of activities were entertained in such a room like this but despite the certain grossness, I had a hard time getting off the mattress. It didn’t seem safe to step on the floor so I tried not to move in any direction. Then I heard footsteps outside the door and they stopped. Two foot-shaped shadows occupied the space under the door.

“Hey.” an almost imperceptible sound came from the door. “Over here.”

With pessimism, I walked over to the door and asked, “Who’s there?”

“I’m Jesse. But that’s not important. You’re in the fasting room. The only thing you’ll get for the next 15 days is water and a few balls of rice.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“I was sent there twice. I’ve been here over six months but they will let you out of the cell after about four months if you follow their plan and don’t cause trouble. It’s not too bad but I’m not sure if they will ever let me out.”

“Has anyone gotten out?”

“I don’t know. I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

“How many others are here?”

“Someone’s coming,” Jesse whispered.

“Wait!” but it was too late and she was gone. I heard more footsteps and jumped back onto the mattress. The door opened and the giant hazmat man just stood there and looked at me for a few seconds. He put a water bottle on the ground and left. He wouldn’t open the door again for two days.


                                                                                *  *  *


By the fourth day, I was delirious. I couldn’t tell if it was day or night. I couldn’t tell if I had just woken up or if I had never gone to sleep at all. My stomach churned and my mind twisted. I only got water once a day and had no food yet. I heard soft footsteps and the small shadows were at the door again. I thought I was dreaming.

“Hey,” she whispered from behind the door.

I jumped off the bed and ran to the door. I tripped halfway there and slid on my knees until my head smashed against the door, which made a loud thud. I eked out, “Jesse?”

“Yeah. Are you alright?”

“No! I’m dying in here! You have to help me!” My mouth felt like a desert and my skin clung to me like cling wrap.

“I brought you something.”

From under the door, I saw thin yellow sticks and there were dozens of them. I grabbed them but they immediately started to break like fragile twigs in my hands. I shoved them in my mouth and they broke more. They were crunchy and dry. I started to gag as they were sharp in my mouth but I slowed down enough to crunch them small enough to swallow. Then, there were more twigs coming through and I scarfed them down too. When I was done with the bigger pieces I felt for every morsel I could find on the floor and ate them up. It wasn’t much but it was something.

“I have to go. He’s coming.” She whispered and I wanted to cry as her steps faded.

I didn’t even bother to move and just lay on the ground like a sad dog and waited. When he opened the door I tried to bite his leg but I was weak and he kicked me away as if I was nothing. I smelled something good and when I looked up I saw he had a bowl in his hand. He saw that I had seen something and he knelt down to show me the hot rice that was steaming in the bowl. My mouth quivered. I needed that rice. Then he took a step and we both heard a soft crunch.

He knelt down and looked beneath his heavy rubber boot. He set the rice on the floor far enough away that I couldn’t possibly reach it but still I pulled myself to him, my arms reaching out but to no avail. He pulled one glove off and smacked me in the face with it but I continued to reach. With his naked fingers, he gingerly picked up the yellow offender. He examined it for a while until he realized what it was and looked at me. Then he looked out the door and shook his head.

“No, don’t!” I started to cry.

He snatched up the bowl and stood up and I pleaded for the rice but he just walked out and closed the door. I lay by the door then for some unknown amount of time and then I heard her scream. It was from somewhere far away but her cries made their way to me and I wept until I fell asleep. I didn’t see her again during my stay in the fasting room. Eventually, I got some rice but I lost a bit of myself in that room.


                                                                           *  *  *


I was only a week away from four months in and I hadn’t had any issues since the fasting room. Another twenty pounds were gone and I was quite the athlete; at least compared to when I first started on this journey and Zoey and I were getting along again, which was good. She would tell me about current events and play music for me. I was doing so well that I was putting on muscle and getting steak a few times a week. Sweet treats were a couple times a week and they let me decorate my room with movie posters that would show up in the cell after a good workout.

One day, while on a run, Zoey told me about my mom and said she was doing just fine now. She said she was sorry about when she told me that she was sick and I apologized for acting like a child about the whole thing. I didn’t ask for anything and didn’t worry about it when I was getting out. I wondered about Jesse and whether she was ok and if I would ever hear her voice again.

Every day I listened to the propaganda about how exercise was the way to go and how being healthy was good for everyone. How being healthy saved the medical industry on costly operations and medications. By then I was addicted to the routine anyway and needed little convincing. My new body suited me and I even did exercises on my own time. Mostly pushups and crunches in the small floor of the cell. I had asked if I could use boxing as an exercise but Zoey said that wasn’t allowed but they didn’t stop me from shadow boxing in my room. When I was in bed I would hit my fists against the metal walls, hardening them. I tried not to make much noise but soon I had very little feeling in my knuckles and felt like I could punch through metal if I needed to.

One day I woke up, had breakfast and when I was finished Zoey’s face appeared on the screen in the door. She had a big smile.

“Good morning sleepyhead!”

“Good morning Zoey,” I returned in a similarly chipper voice.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m just fine. Breakfast was great, as usual, and I’m ready for the day. What’s the plan? The Alpine trek or the Seaside path?”

“Neither! Today is a special day. No exercising, unless you really want to but first why don’t you have a look around.”

The front door to the cell opened slowly as it usually did but instead of stopping at three inches, it continued upward revealing the hallway I hadn’t seen in quite a while and never really saw properly anyway. I stood up, more excited than I had thought I would be as I had hoped this day would come but never really thought it would. The ornate gray carpet was there and the pedestals with the sculptures but this time the windows were unobscured. Bright sunlight streamed across the hallway drawing huge rectangles on the floor separated by negative space. My eyes hadn’t seen the real sun in so long and they had a hard time adjusting.

I stood by one window and outside I saw green fields as far as the horizon with trees and bushes scattered randomly about. There were dozens of horses grazing on the grassland in little groups. Where was I? I continued down the hallway until I got to the fasting room where I stopped just a few steps away. I could almost smell it again and I remembered the torment of it. I hugged the wall and couldn’t move.

“It’s OK Sawyer.” I heard the voice of Zoey coming from a speaker above my head. “That’s over with and done. You have been so good. You just have to get past that room and the whole mansion will open up to you.”

I closed my eyes and dragged myself along the wall until the hallway ended and I was standing in a large room. Its walls were lined with huge tapestries and below them were more sculptures and a fountain with running water was in the center. I thought about Jesse. To the right side of the room, there were two large doors. I opened them to find there was a large dining room and sitting at the table was an older man with a white beard and long white hair to match. He stood up as I entered. I froze.

“Welcome! Welcome!” The man said with enthusiasm as he walked toward me. He was wearing a tweed suit.

He reached his hand out and I shook it.

“Strong grip my boy! You really have come a long way. Please sit and we will talk,” he said and pulled a chair out for me and gestured for me to sit.

Perplexed but curious, I sat down and the man walked over to the other end of the table and sat down as well.

“The look on your face is one that I have seen before. You are confused and weary and so you should be. That is only natural.” He spoke quickly and with the faintest British accent. He continued, “My name is Arnold Pentograst and this is my home. I am an inventor and a bit of a health nut. As you might have guessed.” He chuckled at himself.

I clenched my fists and tried to hold in the anger I felt as he giggled like this was some kind of joke. He waved his hand and a maid came out from behind a door with a tea tray and as she got closer I recognized her face. It was Zoey’s face but she was in a maid’s outfit and she kept her eyes cast down as she put the teacup in front of me. I whispered, “Zoey?” But she didn’t respond and walked over to Arnold.

“Oh yes! You recognize her. She was the inspiration for Zoey. Her name is Martha though. Such a boring name for such a beautiful girl. Thank you, Martha.” He waved his hand and she left the room with her head down. “Where was I? Oh yes. The plan. You are the fourth participant in my very exclusive and very modern lifestyle reprogramming spa. I take people who don’t yet see their own potential and bring the best out of them through discipline and hard work. You have made it past the first stage. By now you are exercising on your own, which means you have internalized the discipline and will continue on the path of a healthy lifestyle. What do you say to that, my boy?”

“A spa?” I said, confused and started to get flush with anger but before I could do anything he continued as if I hadn’t said anything.

“Yes! You really are a specimen. Zoey told me of the outbursts but you cleaned up well after the fasting session and now you are ready for stage two. A little freedom will go a long way for you I think and now you have the freedom to move about the house, save a room here or there that are off-limits. If the door is locked then it is off-limits. It’s that easy. Now, I must go but it was very nice to meet you and I will see you again before stage three for another little chat.”

He got up and walked through the same door that the maid had come from. The door closed and when I tried to open it it was locked. Not too much freedom I suppose. The tea was getting cold but I sat and drank it and thought about the strange man and Martha the maid and the whole situation. It was all maddening and I didn’t know what to do with my thoughts or with the space I now had to move about.

“Isn’t this nice Sawyer?” Zoey asked from somewhere above me in a tone that seemed genuinely excited.

“Yes, Zoey. Thank you, for everything. I am going to look around if that’s ok.”

“Of course. That’s great!”

I left the teacup in the room and made my way back to the room with the fountain. Across from the dining room, there was another double door and behind it a large room. This one was broken into sections and resembled a high-end fitness studio with all manner of exercise machines and weightlifting equipment. There was a pool, a hot tub, and a sauna. It was actually really amazing but all too weird to simply accept.

I left the gym room and asked Zoey where I was to stay. From the fountain room there was only one other door and inside was a large bedroom with a king-sized bed. In the walk-in closet, there were clothes for all sorts of occasions and there must have been one hundred pairs of shoes. There were protein bars and a fridge full of exercise drinks and water. Zoey said if I was hungry to just ask and there would be food in the dining room for me. I sat on the bed for a long time thinking.


                                                                              *  *  *


For the next few weeks, I was allowed to go at my own pace. The mansion didn’t really have much other than the gym and dining room and none of the doors to the outside were unlocked. I couldn’t go outside but I could see that the mansion was surrounded by farmland with one road winding its way toward nowhere. My favorite part was the small garden that was near my room. Just a small area surrounded by brick walls but it had no roof so I could see the sky and feel the real wind. I would wait until dark and stare at the stars and think about getting out of that place.

I worked out harder than ever. I spent a lot of time in the pool and when I wasn’t swimming I worked with the weights. They hadn’t given me anything that I could pick up and throw in the simulation room or in the cell, other than trays that got me nowhere, and now I had a lot of equipment. Most of it was round and heavy but there were a few things I kept my eye on. Battle ropes were bolted into the wall and I imagined Arnold and the man in the hazmat suit hanging them from the rafters. There were kettlebells and I imagined that one could be thrown into a skull with some effort. As I swam I imagined that I could throw a weight at a window and try to run but I had no idea where I was or where I could go.

One day I gathered up the courage to walk back down the hallway, past the fasting room, and went to the old cell but the door was closed. I pressed my ear to the door but could hear nothing. The hallway continued on and there was one more door at the end. I pressed my ear to the door and heard music. Rock music. I knocked on the door and heard someone moving on the other side. When the door opened my heart stopped. The giant man stood in front of me with his black gas mask and hazmat suit and I backed up immediately. He just stood there staring at me and as I walked backward he slowly pursued.

I turned around and ran until I got to the gym room where I found the nearest weight and held it ready for a fight but none came. When I finally left the room and looked around there was no one there. I walked back toward the giant’s room with the weight in my hand. I snuck up to the door and heard the music again.

Zoey hadn’t really been much of a presence and I was fine with that. Without her constant interactions, I remembered how alone I really was. She wasn’t my friend. She wasn’t even real. She took my requests for food but didn’t seem to be around like before. A few times I requested food while sitting in the dining room and waited for Martha to deliver it. She always came into the room with her eyes to the ground and would put the food on the other side of the table to where I sat. When I asked her questions or said hi she ignored me and just walked back through the door. When I pressed my ear to the door I could only hear footsteps walking away.

I started to get bored of the same routine and I tried to mix it up by trying every exercise machine and different combinations of weights and cardio. One day I tried to see how long I could stay in the sauna and I must have passed out because I woke up sometime later in my bed. I practiced holding my breath underwater. I practiced handstands and spent some time dancing but I wasn’t any good at it.

The dining room soon became my favorite room as it contained the only human that wasn’t a monster. I waited for Martha to come through the door and tried to get a reaction.

“So, you know there’s another version of you,” I said but I got no response. “Her name is Zoey. She’s listening right now. She’s always listening. She has your face.” Martha closed the door behind her.


She came through the door.

“You know I used to be very fat. I used to sit at a computer and just eat delivered food every day.” I said as she entered the room. “I hadn’t been out of my apartment for a year before I got here. Guess I still haven’t been out. I’m not so fat anymore. Have you seen me?” She stopped for a second but then continued through the door.


She came through the door.

“I’ve got a joke for you. Do you like jokes?” She didn’t lookup. “Knock knock

Who's there? Michael Snifferpuppets. Michael Snifferpuppets who? Oh, come on, how many Michael Snifferpuppets do you know? Let me in already.” She stopped for a moment and put her hand up to her mouth. “You do like jokes! My name is actually Sawyer by the way” She walked out.


She came through the door.

“I’ve got another one,” I said and this time I stood up and slowly walked toward her. “Knock knock. Who's there? Iowa. Iowa who? I owe a big apology to you for this joke.” I was only a few feet away from her then and she looked up for the first time and smiled. Just then the main doors opened behind me and I saw fear in her eyes as she looked toward them. She scurried off and was gone.

I turned and there was the giant in his suit and mask. “I didn’t mean anything by it big guy,” I said and picked up a pickle off the plate and started eating it. “Just a harmless joke.” He started toward me and I braced myself. When he got close I moved back and with each step, I moved away from him. He wasn’t fast and I was sick of being afraid of the hazmat monster.

I backed myself into a corner so I grabbed the nearest object which was a vase and threw it at him. He dodged it and lunged at me. I spun out of the way and grabbed a candelabra from the table and hit him in the back with it. Before I could strike again he turned and grabbed me. I punched at him as hard as I could but the bear hug was too tight. I started to feel the pressure against my chest and struggled to breathe. He let go and the last thing I saw was a fist headed toward my face.


                                                                               *  *  *


I woke up with a black eye and when I went to get breakfast she didn’t come. Bacon, eggs, and fruit were already there but I hadn’t asked for anything yet. I tried again after my morning exercise but there was no food and no Martha. I sat at the large fancy table and then asked Zoey for lunch.

“We can do that but you’ll have to leave the room first.”

“Why?”

“You have been harassing Martha and we can’t have that.”

“Oh. I didn’t mean anything by it. She’s the only real person here other than the eccentric Arnold and the giant hazmat man. What did you expect?”

“Nonetheless. Either we can guess when you will eat or you can tell us and wait until it is served.”

“Fine!” I said and left the room. I came back to rice, chicken, and salad.

A few days later, while I was reluctantly enjoying the delicious omelet I was given, I found a note written on the backside of a napkin. I smudged it but it said:

“Unlocked after dinner-Jesse.”

During the day I couldn’t think of anything other than the note. While I swam. While I lifted weights. And while I tried to sneak a dumbbell bar out of the gym to hide in my room. Just before dinner I put on the fanciest suit in the closet and chose a pair of shoes that I thought matched. I hid the heavy metal bar in my coat pocket and held it tight by folding my arms across my chest.

“Zoey,” I asked while standing at the closed doors of the dining room.

“Sawyer,” she answered from above. “What are you doing with that metal bar in your coat?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“We have cameras everywhere. Just leave it on the ground and your dinner will be waiting for you. I think today’s dinner is sushi and plenty of it.”

“Fuck.” I pulled the bar out of the coat and set it on the ground. There was a click from the doors and when I opened them there was a large plate of sushi waiting. I ate as much as I could and then eased my way over to the door that Arnold and Martha used. I tried the lock and it was open. My heart started to race.

Just as I turned the knob I heard the main doors open and as I closed the door behind me I saw the giant hazmat man holding the metal bar in his hand. I locked the door behind me and started to run down the hallway before me. On the left, I passed a large professional kitchen where there was a Japanese chef cleaning up. He looked at me while I ran past and the alarms started to sound loudly throughout the house.

I kept running and found a door. Inside there was a large room full of screens and surveillance equipment. A morbidly obese woman was at the desk and she swiveled in her chair to face me. She was smoking a cigarette and looked completely unfazed.

“This is just stupid,” she said and I recognized her voice. I had been hearing it for months. It was Zoey but it wasn’t Zoey. “That stupid girl. I don’t know why they keep her around,” she said.

“You’re Zoey,” I said, stunned at what I was seeing.

“Sure I am honey. I’m Zoey. Surprised?”

“You fucking bitch!”

All the hate and rage that I had suppressed for the last four months came to me and I remembered the torture, the lies, the pain. I could feel my muscles tighten and before I knew what I was doing my hands were around her fat neck. I squeezed and squeezed until her eyes turned red and she fell out of the chair like a limp walrus onto the ground. I was out of breath. I took a deep breath and looked at the screens and I could see Martha, or was it, Jesse, in a bedroom sitting at a table brushing her hair.

The door slammed open and before I could think the giant was coming for me. He swung the bar at me but I ducked and he hit the equipment instead. Sparks and metal and plastic scattered all around. I punched him hard in the side and felt something crack. I tucked my head and grabbed a hold of his midsection and pushed through him like a linebacker. We slammed against the wall and then I felt the bar strike against my back. The sharp pain was like lightning and I fell to the floor. I scrambled backward as he struck down again but he only hit the floor. I punched the top of his head and he fell face-first onto the ground.

As he tried to get up I grabbed the back of his mask and pulled it as hard as I could and ripped it off. He had the face of a man who would have done well in Hollywood. Strong chiseled jaw and blue eyes. Someone who could have starred in the latest remake of Predator. I’ll never forget the look of fear on his face when the mask was ripped from it. He was terrified and I thought he might cry. He dropped the metal bar and reached out.

“Please! Please! Just let me have it,” he pleaded with his arms out like a child wanting his favorite toy back.

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. “I’ll give it back if you let me go.”

“No problem. Please.” His eyes were filled with tears.

I handed him the mask and he put it on as fast as he could. Then he got up, turned around and ran out of the room. On the monitor, I could see him running to his room and when he got there he closed the door and started to spray something all over the room. On another screen I could see Arnold in his room, hastily packing a bag. I picked up the metal bar and started down the hall.

I ran until I found another door. This one was an ornate set of double doors with a complex security keypad on the right side. It was Arnold’s room, but as I did not know the code I just smashed the metal plate as hard as I could with the dumbbell bar and the buttons exploded and the metal collapsed. I heard a click. I tried the door and opened it quickly. Arnold turned around and faced me, a look of surprise on his face. He sat down on his fancy bed.

“All the technology and money in the world and you just walk right in,” he said with no hint of the same tone and accent as before. He now had a casual American accent.

I took a few steps.

“Reggie. That paranoid piece of shit! And Martha. I’m surrounded by idiots!”

I pulled a chair up, sat down and asked, “Why? Why do all this and go through all this just to force me to exercise?”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter now.”

“Why not?”

“Because it will never get past the pilot stage after this.”

“Pilot stage?”

“You were only the fourth. You were the only one that actually started exercising on your own. The rest just went back to their lazy bullshit after being let out of the cell. The first one we let out in a month and when left alone she just got fat again. Her name was Zoey and I gave her a job. That fat piece of shit. The second one we let out after two months and stayed on the plan for a while but then we just had to end that. The third did the same but you, you were different. We let you out and you just kept on exercising. We had something, finally.”

“You torture people to get them to exercise on their own?”

“The goal was to find out if we could force the internalization of positive lifestyle habits. If we could find a relatively cost-effective way to get people to live differently without the annoying uncertainty of free will.”

“And what about Martha or is it, Jesse?”

“Her name is Martha! She’s mine!” He screamed at me and stood up. He turned and started for a desk at the back of the room. “You don’t get it! I could have revolutionized the medical industry. No more need for people to stay inside and cower in fear of the potential viruses of the world.” He kept walking slowly away from me. I followed.

“Did you know that the only people who died from any of those viruses already had underlying health issues? Did you know that obesity costs the country over 80 million dollars a year alone?”

I was only a few feet away when he stopped at a desk. He opened the drawer and he turned and I saw a pistol in his hand but before he could raise it I swung the metal bar at his head. Blood and bone were strewn about the room and his body fell to the floor. I stood for a moment shaking and then dropped the newly painted bar. I took a deep breath, picked up the pistol, wiped the blood off my face with his sheets and walked out of the room.

Down the hall was another door and as I knocked the butterflies in my stomach fluttered to life. She opened the door and greeted me with the biggest smile from the most beautiful face I’d ever seen. Her black hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had on pink pajamas and an oversized blue t-shirt.

“Knock Knock,” I said, sporting my own ridiculous smile.

“Who's there,” she asked.

“My name is Sawyer, Sawyer Barnes. Jesse?”

“Jesse Glaston. Nice to meet you.” She put her hand out.

I took her hand and pulled her toward me and we kissed passionately.

“Get me the fuck out of here,” she whispered in my ear. She took my hand and led me to a garage where ten expensive cars were there waiting for us to choose from. We jumped into a black Bentley and drove into the darkness.



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