As I sweat and breath heavily on the exercise machine the future funerals of my precious loved ones flood through my mind in a series of horrible imaginings. I do not cry immediately but I feel a twinge of my future and imagine my emotional surrender. It is only an idea, only an attempt to predict and prepare for this inevitable reality. I can pretend that these things won't happen or that I might die before I have to deal with it but I know that is useless. I imagine my mom, sister, brother, best friend and imagine the news I will get one day and for each I experience just the smallest bit of what the real thing will be like. I slow down and close my eyes and remind myself that this morbid contemplation is just a thought. I clear my mind of these thoughts and try my best to forget myself and my fears. I hit the next button on the IPOD to something upbeat and positive.
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