Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

All at once I am overcome with emotion.  I feel weak and lonely and angry at the world and at myself and I hate my emotions. I hate the frustration and sadness. I hate the hate.  I think about her and I think about how I used to feel and how it is all gone. I think about how it won’t be the same ever again.  My reaction doesn’t make any sense intellectually. To feel this way or think these things is not logical but logic is not a part of these emotions. These are instincts that need no reason or excuse or words to explain them. They rise from within the primal brain and flood the synapses with doubt and anxiety. My body is physically changed bringing hopelessness and despair to the forefront of my mind.

All at once my mind returns to me and I am living with reason again and I respect the emotions that helped me express and enlighten my mind. My fears, doubts and misunderstandings about the world and myself are illuminated and reflected upon. I can create compartments and organize my thoughts again and I can think about the future and its possibilities. My reason is not fearful or sad. My reason is contemplative and deep. A creative machine that churns and fluctuates like a million spiraling spheres rotating around an axis.

But…

All of a sudden, after accomplishing some intellectual goal or the excitement from finding that one enlightened thought that is so perfect, I am pulled back into an emotional abyss.  But these emotions are good and create confidence in me. Calm floods my mind with hope and joy and a smile comes easy. The mind is clear and the world is absorbed more fully with less thought and judgment. Thoughts are not too complicated because the world is not too complicated and everything is ok.

Soon I will be alone again without a sufficient distraction and it will come on slow in the silence of those moments that will eventually lead up to a new emotional bought full of fear, frustration and helplessness.

My personal balance beam teeters back and forth with waves of uncertainty and confusion. I seek peace when centered but find madness at the margins. My ocean deepens and the waves change but throughout the years the teetering remains. Hopefully, with age, I will learn to love both sides of the beam.

Overwhelming yet Revitalizing: Painful yet Enlightening