Intense Dream 8.22.2016

I'm wondering around a house with a young woman. Not much going on here.

Cut to a high end mall/fitness center with round courtyards, gyms, food courts, theaters and 3 levels of posh capitalism artifacts. I'm skating around exuberantly with bare feet...no with socks on jumping over stairs and couches just taking it all in.

As I am about to leave a large group of people are leaving as if a show had just ended. I see someone and it's Mos Def and his friend. I'm next to him and say what's up Mos? As if I know him personally. We shake hands and walk outside.

Mos and his friend walk off along the side of the building as gunshots ring out. I realize it is not Mos Def when he and his friend turn around and head back toward the shots. They draw guns and start running into the fray.

I turn to see a small boy running toward the shots alone and crying. I grab the boy and run away from the mall. I head down the street and around a corner. I try to talk to the boy but he can't communicate well. He's about 9 or 10 and I figure he's autistic. He says something I interpret as Freddy. I hold him and he is calm but frightened.

After the commotion stops and hundreds of police officers have arrived I walk back toward the scene of the incident. I hear a news feed explaining it was a lone shooter aiming at officials and civilians.

I look for an officer to tell about the child to find his parents but I am small and they are big and armed and do not see me. Finally one sees me in the mix and says they will get a superior to help. The dream ends before the boy is safe. I just hold him hoping his parents are still alive.

(Not a dream)
Makes me cry to think about it now. I was camping this past weekend and a 5 year old boy was hit by a dead fall tree and killed and a small girl, a little older, was hurt badly too. I had rushed to tell the camp hosts and someone called 911. It was very sad and I wish there was more I could have done or known about the children. Very sad.

Adventures of Joe Gray: Dark Woods

I trekked up the hill of a steep wooded slope. Thick ferns and blackberry vines covered the forest floor making any climb slow and painstaking. Though the sun shone bright in the sky the wood was as dark as the evening promised to be. It was only about half a mile up the side of the ravine and God only knows what was waiting at the top. Whatever it was I was determined to find out.

Birds swooped over head as I continued my winding way. The trees began to thin and the brambles receeded as I got closer to the tree line and the hill flattened. I could see a barn straight ahead and a house to the right. As I scanned farther to my right there was a bench and at the bench sat the gnarliest old man. His beard was long, white and dirty. His skin dark and leathery. His yellow rotted teeth gnashing together slobbering chew spit down his cheek. With one hand around the neck of a chicken his other hand slammed a cleaver down with a thud sending the chicken's head rolling off the bench.

He looked up and our eyes locked. I paused, frozen with fright. He stood up to reach for a shotgun by his side and as he began to rack the pump he yelped,"You get outta here!"

I spun and ran back where I came from as fast as I could. I rushed down the incline staring at my feet. Over stumps, ruts, roots and ferns I sprinted. With gravity and adrenaline pulling me forward and down I flew. I heard one loud bang of a firearm at my back compelling me to run faster through the treacherous undergrowth. Dodging limbs and spikes I flung myself down the muddy slope and then all of a sudden I was ass to the ground with my feet in stream. At the bottom of the ravine was a small creek and it meant I was back on my parent's property.

I took a deep breath and looked back at where I had come. No sign I was ever there, the dark woods unexcited by the prior events and oblivious of my flight from death. It was only a short distance up the other side to the house where I would do my homework and then watch TV. Maybe Josh would let me play the Nintendo with him.

Adventurers of Joe Gray: Junior High Spy

First period had started and I had to get to work. I pulled my notebook out of my bag and turned it sideways. I sat in the back so no one could see the hidden laptop disguised as a standard college rule notebook. I flipped the screen on and saw a large Pegasus indicating a new email. It seemed that a certain known assassin was posing as a fellow student and it was my job to find and eliminate them.

The email had a grainy photo of a girl of about 12. She had blonde hair and glasses but the most important thing was a small tattoo of a black swan on her wrist. 

"Joe!" I heard from the front of the room as a pencil went flying by my ear.
I closed the laptop lid quickly and looked up to find my teacher and everyone else staring at me. 

"What is the answer?" The teacher said. 

"Um, 13." I said after glancing at the board for a split second. 

"Lucky guess," Mr. Merdon said, disappointed he couldn't embarrass me more.

The bell rang and we all filed out of the class. Unbeknownst to the rest of the students there was a cold blooded killer in our midst and if I could help it they wouldn't find out. I began to scan the passing students intently looking at hair and wrists. A few blonds but no tattoos. A tattoo would stand out in this place but it could be covered easily.

I made my way through the halls not speaking to anyone. The next class was science lab,one of my favorites. We all filed into the room and I took my seat at the back but my usual partner wasn't there. John was always early. I watched for him to come in but the bell rang and no John. The teacher stood up as another student came rushing in.

"Hello. I'm sorry I'm late. My parents suck." A young blond girl said as she scrambled in.

My heart stopped when I noticed the resemblance to the girl in he photo. Shit! This could be her.

"What's your name?" Ms. Stevenson asked.

"My name is Meg," She responded sheepishly.

"Go ahead and sit by Joe there in the back. Get her caught up, will you Joe?" The science teacher said as my throat dried up and heart began to race.

She walked over and sat next to me at the table. I looked over at her as she nervously pulled things out of her pack. I tried to find her wrists but they were covered by a long sleeve shirt. Damnit.

"Hello," Meg said as she looked at me.

My heart sank again. She was so beautiful. I stumbled over saying hi or something as I struggled to focus. Keep it together I told myself. She's probably the assassin.

Ms. Stevenson proceeded to explain the days lab work. We were to dissect a squid and then we would cook them up for some reason and eat them. Fucking great class.

I walked over to the table where all the samples were and brought one back to the table.

"Cool," she said when she saw the purple glob of gunk on the dish.

"Oh yeah? Have you ever dissected anything before? I asked.

"Oh yeah, all the time." She said with a grin. Then she laughed and said, "no, but this is great. Have you?"

"A frog once," I said lying. I had dissected plenty of animals in the spy training program. Learning about vital areas and the effects of poisons. "You first then." I said.

I stared as she started to roll up her sleeves. Her right wrist was clean but as she rolled up the left I saw something dark on the underside. I couldn't see it very well so I stood up.

"I need to use the bathroom," I said loudly to the teacher.

"Ok, take a pass." Ms. Stevenson said.

I slowly walked to the other side of the table trying not to be too obvious. As I looked down I saw both wrists plain as day. I was relieved when I saw that on the bottom side of her left wrist I saw a small black birthmark with no particular definition.  It wasn't her.

As I stood at the urinal I heard the door open and close behind me. I looked but saw no one there. Then, all of a sudden, I felt the sting of my head hitting the metal of the urinal in front of me. I fell to my knees as someone else's knee rammed into my side. Then I tried to get up but a swift kick to my back flung me into the wall. I heard the door creak open and someone began to walk in. I turned as my attacker rushed passed the incoming boy and darted out. I got up as fast as I could and ran to the door. As I peered down the desolate hall I caught a glimpse of blonde hair running away and around a corner.

My imaginings were swiftly halted as a boy slammed into me walking out of the bathroom.

"Get the fuck out of my way, loser." The bruiser said as I felt my shoulder bruising.

'Junior high sucks', I thought as I walked back to class. Back at my table I sat down to dissect the squid alone. 

Adventures of Joe Gray: Sniper on the Hill

Looking through my scope I could see about 2 dozen army men lined up at the bottom of a rugged slope with their backs toward a large precipice. They were just standing there waiting for something giving me a perfect opportunity to take them out. I had been tracking them for 2 days across the hilly landscapes waiting for this moment. How dare they come to my homeland taking what they will and killing all those in their way? 

I checked my magazines, each fully loaded with 10 rounds, which should be enough if aim is true. Perched on the limb of a small tree I peered through the scope at my first target. It was a grenadier with mortars ready to go. I aimed for the bulk of the body and breathed in. As I let go of my breath the cross hairs steadied for an instant and I squeezed the trigger smoothly. With a burst I saw the man fly back never to mortar again. 

The others looked frantically about trying to identify the shooter as I aimed at the next one in line. With a shallow exhale I squeezed off another shot down range taking out an infantry man. Then another and another. Now they knew which direction the shots were coming from and started shooting haphazardly in my direction. As my breath quickened and my heart raced I took out men with rifles, bazookas, radios and mortars. 

The trigger clicked empty as the incoming shots got closer and closer. I dropped to my stomach and loaded a new magazine. I steadied the rifle and lined up to continue my volley of destructive justice. Lined up like a shooting gallery they went down one by one as shots flew above and below my position. As the second magazine emptied only a few remained and only one of them was still fighting back. The others had resigned themselves to their fate and staggered around aimlessly. 

I ejected the empty magazine and loaded the last one as I moved to a kneeling position. Propping my arm on my knee I steadied for my last shots. Now just shooting rapid fire at the remaining infantry men bullets whizzed and pinged off the ground but still they went down. With a deep breath I stood up to see the destruction and marvel at my doing. Victory was mine!

I walked over to the downed army men and began to set them back up in interesting places on the dirt. Some behind rocks and some atop stumps. A few had been flung far enough that I couldn't find them, truly lost in the battle. I was getting better with the 22 semi-auto my dad had gotten me and I loved practicing with the new scope. Bullets were cheap and I would test myself at longer range this time. The plastic men wouldn't know what hit them. 

Adventurers of Joe Gray: The Heist

"Get in!" Caleb growled at me as I ran along side the safari van we had jacked the day before. The sirens were getting louder. We had the money but someone had tipped them off. I jumped in the side door as Caleb sped up.

I grabbed the uzi waiting for me on the passenger seat just in time for the first cop car to pull into view. I peered out the window and began firing at the oncoming patrol car.

"What the fuck went wrong?" Caleb yelled in my direction, barely audible over the gun shots.

"I don't know. Someone snitched." I responded while reloading.

Then, all of a sudden one of the cars zoomed up beside us and fired, breaking the side mirror and forcing Caleb to swerve. With rage I blasted 30 rounds at the driver hitting him multiple times in the face and chest. The cop slumped over and drove straight into a parked car.

"Oh shit!" I said as I turned to look at Caleb looking back with a devious smile.

The next car was coming up quick but I had a surprise for them. A bazooka was sitting in the back of the van just for this situation.

"I'm gunna shoot out the back window and hit them with the bazooka."

"Do it!" Caleb said gleefully.

The glass blew out instantly from my 45 and then I grabbed the bazooka. I pulled the heavy piece of metal destruction to my shoulder and aimed carefully at the oncoming officers. Just as I could see an expression of sheer amazement and fear from the cops faces I pulled the trigger.

Phewww!!! Pow!

The cop car blew up 10 feet in a cloud of fire and smoke.

"Woo hoo!" I exclaimed. "Let's get the fuck outta here."

"Fuck yeah! Let's get some chicks!" Caleb said with delight.

"Fuck yeah!"

We drove off hoping that was the last of them. We always picked up some chicks and partied after a job.

Caleb and I jumped out of my mom's red safari van and headed toward the back yard where the sun was going down. We would chat about life until it was time to go in. I always enjoyed having Caleb over.

Adventures of Joe Gray: Ninjas in the Backyard

Ninjas were all around me. From all sides they crept over the horse fence and through the trees wearing all black and looking to kill. I had only my trusty hockey stick, long past its hockey days, as my weapon of choice. Its curved end acting like an outstretched cleaver ready to dismantle any would-be assassin.

I took a readied stance as they surrounded me. At once they clambered in at me. I swiped down with a mighty blow taking out the first at the shoulder. Then I moved seamlessly between foes striking with unpredictable fluidity and accuracy. To the left I struck one in the side, nearly cleaving him in half. Then, in an instant, I swung behind striking sideways at another. Feeling overwhelmed I swung my stick in a 360 arc around my body taking out evil assassin after evil assassin in a wave of fury and poise.

They backed off for a second allowing me to catch my breath. But then they came at me again. This time I moved around the field forcing them to follow instead of lead. As I slayed one ahead of me with a head splitting swish I rolled and turned to strike the one approaching from behind, catching him off guard from a low position. I looked up and saw that they had stopped the advance. They were backing away. Standing in premature triumph I heard the thud of an unseen giant's steps.

Through the trees I saw its face. Covered in an ornate ancient samurai helm it grinned unrelentingly at me. 10 feet tall and with a sword 6 feet long it began to run. The monster bore down on me like a bull but I stood my ground. As it approached the red and blue of its armor shown brighter and brighter until soon it was right on me. At the last second I rolled between its legs and turned striking down on its back with the sharp end of my stick. It sunk deep in its back. The giant stood for a moment and then collapsed with a roar and a gasp. I turned around to see the backs of my enemies scattering back into the trees, doubtfully for the last time.

Dinner would be soon and it was beginning to get cold. I roamed around the edge of the tree line smacking my stick into anything that might break. Foxglove was always easy to take out but small branches were fun too. I spun my hockey stick around a bit. I looked at the business end seeing that it was becoming damaged more and more but no matter as I wasn't going to be playing hockey out here in the middle of nowhere anyway. I wondered if mom and dad were going to fight again that night.

Extreme Anxiety at 5,000 Ft.

ON a recent backpacking trip to the Deschutes National Forest I learned something very important about myself; I learned that fear is a driving force in my life. I am a fearful person. I allow fear to permeate my thoughts and stunt my actions. I imagine all the potentially negative outcomes to any action and err on the side of inaction. I ignore or devalue any potentially positive outcomes even when they are much more likely. At times these fantasies are so overwhelming and horrifying that I am frozen with debilitating anxiety. This extreme case happened a few days ago. 

My brother I had been planning a backpacking trip for months. I spent so much time at REI preparing for this adventure and when it came time to head up to the mountains I thought I was ready for anything. But all the gear in the world wouldn't help me with the unrelenting fear that occurred as soon as the night fell and the internal fear machine kicked in that first night. Lying in the tent in the dark, with thousands of frogs raucously belching for 6 hours, my mind began twisting the cacophony  into impending doom. Sometimes it was screams in the distance but mostly I anticipated bears or cougars skulking around the tent looking to attack and eat me as soon as I fell asleep. Even as I attempted to sooth my self with a rational outlook the intensity of my fear was unstoppable. 

The next day as the light grew and I regained my sanity the fear was replaced by a sense of shame at my lack of courage and psychological control. In the back of my mind I knew that another night was coming and I didn't want to let the fear win. I didn't want to admit to myself or my brother the severity of the anxiety and I was not going to puss out and ask to go home. Fuck that. So we picked up camp and explored more of the trails and settled on a new site closer to the trail head and along a swift river. We were no more than an hour from the car and with hours of daylight we could have easily just went home and part of me wanted that more than anything. We came here to camp and be in nature and I knew that to give in to the fear would not only be esteem shattering but disappointing to my brother. 

As the second day grew to a close I found that as I stayed busy preparing firewood, making spears, or a poor attempt at a bushcraft fence that my mind was calm and unencumbered. After we watched the fire wither away into embers we retreated to the tent for the final night. We played cards for a while but soon I was alone with my thoughts and as I stared into darkness the theater of my mind stormed with a jumble of tension and horror. I wanted to cry but instead clenched my fists with frustration and after hours of torment I realized something. I realized that this was just a symptom of a fundamental personality trait. I began remembering other times in my life where extreme pessimism weighed me down. Times where I felt stuck in my body and out of control of my mind. 

This realization was crucial because I identified the root of my distress. I wasn't afraid of bears or cougars. Instead I have a deftly refined ability to think negatively that has permeated my life in one form or another for a very long time. It has stopped me from speaking my mind, from taking action and living in the moment. So, as I lay there, epiphany in hand, I began an impromptu mantra:

-I do not want fear to run my life.

-I want to be more courageous and brave. 

-I am powerful

I repeated these lines over and over in my head until I became relatively relaxed. Not completely relaxed, but I could see that I was telling a story of despair in my head and that the real story would not end so tragically. I accepted all the emotions I was having but identified fear as only diminishing my will and power. 

Fear was the only problem. I could fight a bear. Fuck bears! I had my brother to help me and I had a spear right out side the tent. I would murder a bear or at least go out fighting. Also, as we later googled, the odds of being attacked out in the woods are super fucking low. In fact one article explained that being in the woods may be the safest place a human can be. Throughout this trip I realized how brave and compassionate my brother is. We were very in sync and I learned how similar we are and I love his ability to enjoy life. 

Now I have to catch myself as I create stories of horror and remind myself that I will not let fear run my life. Fuck fear.