Lies, miscommunication and Change

With so many people lying and so much miscommunication how do we get along at all and how can we make it better?

“There are people who exaggerate so much that they can't tell the truth without lying.”

-Mark Twain

“The lie is a condition of life.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I think it is odd when people are surprised by a lie. I also think it is interesting when people miscommunicate. People tend to get louder and repeat themselves when they feel they aren’t being understood or they tend to become uncomfortable, confused or withdrawn when social conventions are not adhered to.  Non-verbal communication is a major source of miscommunication in daily conversations.  It is known that more than 90% of communication is non-verbal but we do not have classes about reading these kinds of cues in school and so we are not very adept at understanding them. We think others are mad when they are confused or we think others are rude when they are just trying to help us feel more comfortable but it is all a symptom of misinterpretation and miscommunication.

There are many studies on the amount of lying that people engage in in everyday life and these studies all report that people lie a lot. The following quotation is from a study done by the University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman:

“The study, published in the journal's June issue, found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies.” (Here is the link to this article: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2002-06/uoma-urf061002.php)

Little white lies permeate our conversations with each other and I venture to guess that they exist even when we speak to ourselves. We tell ourselves that we are smart, funny, fat, skinny, talented, etc… but we do not take the time to step back from our own situation and examine ourselves more objectively. Even when we come to a personal realization and feel a sense of internal honesty it is often so painful or discouraging that we abandon the notion because a lie is more comforting.

 In our conversations with others we do the same thing. We tell others they are smart, fat, funny, etc... Or we talk about things in exaggerated ways; or events are told with gaping holes or with added conjecture, we forget but think we remember, or a million other common place misleadings occur everyday. And there are also purposeful lies where manipulation, control or any number of selfish reasons are the goal.  People lie to save face, feign innocence, spread a rumor, or simply survive an extreme situation.  These are very common and a much more deliberate than other types of lying and they are often seen as less ethical or at least the person lying is seen as more culpable. None of these activities lead to a more peacful or productive society and it is the job of scoiety to address these problems.

Three ways to fight miscommunication: 

1.       Honesty

The first way to fight miscommunication is to have a high standard for our own thinking and communicating. By having a higher standard for ourselves we can then expect a higher standard for others.  Also, by being more honest with ourselves we can better learn what honest feels like and how to identify lies. Feeling free to be wrong and to be able to say things like “I don’t know” frees our conversations and allows them to express better the realities of the current situation and learn from each other.  Placing humility and honesty highest among our social values, teaching children the importance of integrity and accepting others as imperfect creatures are great places to start to communicate with each other more effectively.

2.       Education

Communication starts in the brain and makes its way outward to the world and so we must educate ourselves and each other about how to better communicate. We need to use current scientific and social research to inform our educational practices and make communication a priority.  Teaching different languages, cultural practices, non-verbal idiosyncrasies as well as emotional universals are all important as our social world becomes more diverse and fast paced.

3.       Patience and Clarity

In an increasingly fast paced, technology enriched and capitalistic world our interactions are often times with people we have never met and in situations we have never encountered.  These interactions can be very volatile and can lead to the worst communication but one of the best things one can do in this type of situation is to have patience and work for clarity. Taking the time to re-explain something, or say something differently or getting someone who knows better will help both people come to a reasonable conclusion. People need to realize the priority of the situation and the only time you should yell is when there is an emergency. 

But how do we accomplish these goals if they are not made a priority in every aspect of our culture? What is more important or useful than a better understanding of each other and ourselves and leading more fulfilling lives?