Lately I have been feeling a new level of enlightenment. I have been reaffirming myself as a man and an adult and as a person. I have been trying to live with the attitude that I am in control of my attitude. And trying to learn to be happy with the person I have become. I am not a screw up. I think my friends and family really love me. I am trying to enjoy new experiences and people. Trying not to judge too much. I am trying not to be paranoid about getting into trouble. I still feel a huge pressure to be perfect and respectable. I am trying to accept that I do a good job. And that I have become a good person. I am trying to get past the self hate and fears of rejection and inadequacy as a man. I am trying to get out of my own head and just have fun and not worry. I want to believe in myself and have something to strive to do. I still do not know what makes me happy enough to pursue it as a job.
I still beat myself up for seeing what makes men attractive to women. I still call myself a faggot anytime I do anything less than super manly. I still hate my Shitty body. I still don't want to admit that I'm still depressed about being alone. I do not want to admit that I should eat better and exercise. I am over my ex but I am afraid of woman again.
This time for new reasons and old reasons. Old reasons: small penis syndrome makes me embarrassed of my dick and its attractiveness to women. Its been a little over a year since I have kissed someone I really wanted to kiss. I do not make any move any any female I am attracted to. I make excuse after excuse to dismiss every female I interact with. I realized I enjoy the shit out of masturbation. But I want to be with a female super duper intimately. I am a pussy when it comes to asking someone out. I almost don't think I should try, afraid it will all go shitty again. I have brief moments of false victory when a girl will smile at me or talk with me. When I think I was cool or charming with a female. But the is about it. I might chat with a female for a while but I would never tell them the truth about my wickedly sexual desires. And even if I did they would just laugh but really I know that some of the females I am social with might find me attractive and some females have thought about me in romantic and sexual ways.
New reasons: I do not trust woman or myself as a judge of women. I do not know what a want in a woman or what I want in a relationship. It seems like everyone goes through other people like they are testing out a car. I feel like I am better than that. Sometimes I think that women would be lucky to be with me. But I am really worried that my kindness will be ignored or mistreated or taken advantage of. And I will spend all my money and time and it will end up in loneliness and confusion.
I have been thinking that something good will happen soon. That my waiting for a mate will pay off. But I still do very little to make this happen. I just do what I do and if I strike someone's fancy then maybe something good will happen.
I pretend that happiness is the goal to life. I pretend that I live in the moment. I pretend that I am confident. I pretend that I know what is going on. But I am afraid that my pretending will be found out. And someone will say I caught you. I knew you were a fuck up. I knew you couldn't do it.
I pretend to be smart and able. What I need to realize is that at this point I am not pretending any more. I am living my life the way I always pretended life was supposed to be. And I want to be able to admit that and be validated by others as a successful man. I have never been in real trouble in my life and yet it feels just around the corner. I feel weak when I express these thoughts and I feel more alone when I find myself incapable of expressing them to others.
I am alone in my tightened and stressed membrane, paralyzed by doubt I recoil like a snake into a den of my own making.
When relating myself to the world I need to be less judgemental and more forgiving of everything. I need to accept that I am a good man.
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