My self destruction is not loud and exciting. It is not quick or consuming. My self destruction is muted and boring. It is an occasional ciggarette or drinking session. It is self inflicted sleep deprivation. It is sleeping in and wasting a day. Ultimately, my self destruction is a series of mental battles where no one wins and everybody worries.
My lack of motivation is tempered by my mild depression and existential deliberations. My potential is squandered with every excuse to procrastinate.
I could fulfil all my desires if I put out the effort I am capable of. But instead I come up with excuses and negative scenarios to stop myself from acting. I think that by being patient and waiting for favorable outcomes I will achieve things. This is a lie of disempowerment. This is what keeps me alone and unfulfilled. This is the lie that keeps me uninspired and longing.
I do not risk to venture away from my bubble of imposed security and sheltered states. I stand in the center of my world and look around and judge everything for its possible disaster. How will this end in my feeling self defeated?
I do not know how to share the wins because I do not feel like a winner. I do not celebrate and seek out achievement because I feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough. I loath myself but do nothing to break out and change. I don't know how to be aggressive and confident because I have never cherished those times when my aggressiveness and confidence paid off. I define myself based on the lie that fear pays off and patience is a virtue. I am too weak to achieve my goals and I am too weak to feel passionately about any goals.
I know that passion and drive make successful people but what should I drive for? Why should I be passionate about something? Am I simply not passionate about myself? Do I condemn myself based on years of self doubt and notions of inadequacy? Do I remember all the nervous times and all the times I abstained and use these as examples of how to act?
Why use that model? I should use the memories of when I did badass shit. I should think of myself as one who does what he wants and achieves what he wants. The one who brushes off failures and moves on to the next challenge. I should think of myself as a doer. I should risk my own impoverished feelings and make a move. Take a stand. Why not?
My lack of motivation is tempered by my mild depression and existential deliberations. My potential is squandered with every excuse to procrastinate.
I could fulfil all my desires if I put out the effort I am capable of. But instead I come up with excuses and negative scenarios to stop myself from acting. I think that by being patient and waiting for favorable outcomes I will achieve things. This is a lie of disempowerment. This is what keeps me alone and unfulfilled. This is the lie that keeps me uninspired and longing.
I do not risk to venture away from my bubble of imposed security and sheltered states. I stand in the center of my world and look around and judge everything for its possible disaster. How will this end in my feeling self defeated?
I do not know how to share the wins because I do not feel like a winner. I do not celebrate and seek out achievement because I feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough. I loath myself but do nothing to break out and change. I don't know how to be aggressive and confident because I have never cherished those times when my aggressiveness and confidence paid off. I define myself based on the lie that fear pays off and patience is a virtue. I am too weak to achieve my goals and I am too weak to feel passionately about any goals.
I know that passion and drive make successful people but what should I drive for? Why should I be passionate about something? Am I simply not passionate about myself? Do I condemn myself based on years of self doubt and notions of inadequacy? Do I remember all the nervous times and all the times I abstained and use these as examples of how to act?
Why use that model? I should use the memories of when I did badass shit. I should think of myself as one who does what he wants and achieves what he wants. The one who brushes off failures and moves on to the next challenge. I should think of myself as a doer. I should risk my own impoverished feelings and make a move. Take a stand. Why not?
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