Freedom is better than Ambition

I have been trying to understand why I am not motivated to do greater and more lucrative things and why I'm mostly content in my life financially. I make enough money to live and my debt isn't out of control and yet part of me wonders why I do not long for more.

I was verbally and physically abused as a child. My father yelled and screamed at everyone in my family. My mother used to throw things, like clocks, at him and I was told that he hit her once. I remember how my father would start to drive faster when he was angry. My father spanked me and sometimes with implements like this paddle with holes and names on it. My mother spanked me as well with spoons and spatulas.  So my entire childhood was a series of frightening moments that were completely unpredictable. I was in perpetual alert mode most of my childhood. 

After my parents were separated and I would appear for my court ordered visitation with my father I was always very afraid of his potential for violent outbursts and his feverish religious rants. He would simultaneously rant about how GOD wants this and GOD wants that and demean my decisions, opinions, ideas and general sovereignty. He was GOD by the way. I remember when I was about 13 we were in a Fred Meyer and he tried to hold my arm to detain me and I yelled out that he was hurting me to scare him into letting me go. He would hold me hostage in the car and rant and yell about how horrible everything was and how no one was doing what GOD wants or some other nonsense. 

Eventually I graduated and moved to Portland and soon to Eugene. He has remarried and lives in Texas with his christian accountant wife who supports him financially. She isn't a Christian Accountant, she's and accountant who is also a christian. Just wanted to clarify. 

I think that soon after my parents were divorced I started to feel less and less stressed and worried about my father and his rage. Slowly I began to relax and began to live life more freely.

So, I think that when the monster in my life was no longer a threat I became somewhat content. Maybe not fully content but with at least a relatively stable amount of peace I became alright with just living and not judging myself based on expectations for the future. Any of my childish dreams to be a fireman or architect were at least temporarily if not permanently squashed by my childhood monster. I do not desire a lot of money, just enough to control my life to live without horrible people in it. To be able to decide who to share my life with is very important to me. To be able to express myself without shame or retribution is very important to me. 

When I was young it never occurred to me that if I was really good at something that I could put my skills to use for the world. It definitely never occurred to me that I should become rich or famous. My dad is an intellectually stunted and lazy artist and my mother is an intelligent workaholic. I am a little of both.