On Fear. Again.

I wrote a note about fear about a week ago but it was erased when I decided to purge my phone of pictures and videos. So I will try to rewrite it from memory and see how it turns out.

I hate when people say that fear is the problem. That "there is nothing to fear but fear itself." I do not believe this. I think that these are the words of a manipulator trying to have you suppress your instincts and go against reason. Those who do not wish you to fear war and inhumanity wish for you to embrace it. To embrace the violence inflicted in the name of patriotism and nationalism.

Fear is a biological response to danger. This emotion is responsible for the continuation of our species. We fear death and disease and so we invent medical science. We fear tigers and we run away and invent the spear. Fear is a change in physiology that responds automatically to ensure survival through the release of hormones, neurotransmitters, and other biological mechanisms. These allow the person to run quicker, think faster, or see better. But too much fear and the inability to escape or fight back can be detrimental to the psyche.

Fear is an essential part of the human experience. It indicates danger and helps a person make decisions. I think that hate is a reasonable response to fear. Hate allows one to fight back and protect one's self. And I think the opposite of fear is love. We cannot love and fear the same person. Just like we cannot love and hate the same person.

When I was young I was in a state of perpetual fear. When my parents would yell and scream at each other I was in fear. When my dad would rant and rave at me about how god thinks this and god thinks that I was in fear. When my dad would yell and beat my brother I was in fear. When my brother would beat on me or when his friends would hit me I was in fear.

I am now trying to understand the difference between my past and my present and future. I have no reason to fear my dad or my brother or bullies or anyone in particular. I have no enemies and I am responsible and mostly law abiding. I do a good job at work, I could do more, but nothing to fear there. I am afraid of being a victim of crime and/or violence. The odds of me getting raped are pretty low.

So what am I afraid of? Why do I bite my nails all day and night? Why do I dread confrontstion and worry about getting fired?

I believe that my body has adapted to an environment that was full of unpredictable violence and abuse. I am in a persistent state of vigilance and skepticism. I do not trust people right away and I am cauteous in public. I act as if at any moment I could be in a life or death situation. But it seems that the more I understand this phenomenon and understand how my past is not my present or my future the more I forgive myself for being afraid and the more I can see things are not so scarey anymore.