In the Shadow of a Beast: A trip to the beach

A Trip to the Beach

I grew up in the shadow of a beast. I felt powerless and thus, drew in on myself, hiding in places where the beast could not find me. I stayed out of the living room. I spent time at friend's houses. Fortunately for me, hiding was easy, seeing as the beast I hid from rarely looked for me. But when he did I could not flee.

I remember one such occasion where I was trapped by the beast. It was visitation day and the beast decided that it would be a good idea to take me to the beach, a normally calming and tranquil place, but on that day it was just a backdrop to tyranny. The drive there was only 20 minutes or so but it felt like a blurry lifetime. I was about thirteen that day and I had been honing my selective attention skills for some time by then. This skill came in handy anytime my beast of a father decided it was time to tell me "how it is". He would rant about how evil the world is, how my mother was a liar who was stealing his children and how all of our hatred of him was the result of brainwashing.

I sat, trapped in the car, on the way to a remote part of the Oregon coastline, with a knot in my stomach and words passing through my head like a dark fog. The full content was lost but the message was clear. His hate and malice for my mother, himself and life drove through my selective attention filter and I knew that either he was evil or I was. How else could such poison exist to warrant such verbal anger?

We made it to the beach and there was at least something more to distract me from the incessant diatribe of a man with only frustration and hate in his heart. It wasn't much but I remember walking down the trail to the beach and feeling a slight sense of relief in seeing the ocean but mostly it is a blurred memory. I retreated inside myself and bottled up my anger and resentment for the beast and knew that there was little I could do. He had a "right" to my presence and attention so I did what I could to ignore the words and emotions.

Later in my life, when in conversation I would find that my attention had wondered and that I was not listening I tried to understand this instinct to ignore someone even when looking right at them. I realized that this selective attention mechanism was a defensive operation developed over a decade of being trapped by my beast of a father and forced to listen to his vitriolic rhetoric. If I didn't want this mechanism to ruin future relationships I had to understand what caused it and to recognize that it was no longer needed. I had to consciously recognize when my mind would wander while in mid-conversation and then bring my attention back to the person talking in order to engage in the conversation. I realized that I really enjoy a good conversation where I am an active participant and that comes from listening.

I still get a little nervous when speaking my mind and engaging in a meaningful conversation. Just asserting an opinion can be exhilarating for me know which is a sign of the lack of power I had growing up. It is important that people are not taken for granted or treated as dumping troughs for other's negative emotions. It is important to be present and allows your needs to be expressed in a conversation. If you are not part of the conversation then you become a ghost and not sticking up for yourself can lead to resenting yourself and those around you. Sometimes it is important to say, "Hey, I'm not in the mood for your depressing, angry words right now."

Another outcome of being in the shadow of a beast is that in withholding my expression, for good reason when I was younger, is the creation of imaginary conflicts in my head. Now, if I predict a potential conflict I will reliably have a continuous debate in my head with those that I might need to convince of my argument. I will try to predict all possible sides and argue them relentlessly in my head assuming that I need to prepare for a verbal battle. The sad part is that it creates stress and detracts from life because my predictions are almost always wrong. Almost all of my adult interactions have been pleasant and reasonable but because of my early life, I imagine otherwise. I take a defensive position and ready myself for a battle that I can now choose to not have.

A Little Bit of Trauma Goes a Long Way

Getting bitten by your friend's dog sucks. Before this year I had never been bitten by any animal but earlier this year my friend's little rascal bit me in the calf. I grew up with dogs and had my own for a few years. I think that dogs are by far the most amazing companion pets but I now have a wariness that I did not have before. When I am on the street or out in public and I see a stranger's dog I do not assume that it is friendly anymore. Now I imagine it attacking me. The thought is fleeting but it was never there before. The purely innocent perception that I once felt toward the creatures as a species has been forever altered and I think it is for the good. 

It is important to be confronted with reality from time to time and while it can be traumatizing it can teach a permanent lesson. In this case, the lesson is to be on your toes and pay attention. Also, to trust your gut. Prior to getting bitten, there were many warning signs but my brother, the dog's owner and I did not want to admit that there was a real problem. The dog had nipped at multiple people long before we took the camping trip where the fateful bite occurred. Even the day we set out on the trip the dog was agitated and nearly bit my brother's hand. 

Some background on the dog. My friend had purchased the whippet-mix from the pound in the hopes of rescuing it and from what I was told it hadn't had any issues before he got the dog. It was around 3 years old at the time and I think it had issues that it's prior owners did not disclose or it was treated very poorly early on in its life but I don't know for sure. Either that or it is just fucked in the head, or both but either way, the dog has severe aggression problems.

The experience itself seemed to come out of nowhere but as I mentioned above I should have seen it coming and should not have been complacent. We had settled into our campsite and the dog and its owner were at the site while my brother and I walked to the car to get something. We walked back to the site where the dog was on a long lead. As we approached the dog ran full speed at me and closed the distance in milliseconds. Whippets are bred for speed. It bit down on my left calf for just a moment and broke through my jeans and skin leaving distinct bite marks and a little blood. It was more surprising than painful and its owner jumped up immediately took control. I wasn't worried about any diseases as dogs from pounds have all their shots but thinking back it would have been a good idea to get checked.

I was impressed with my friend, who took responsibility for the situation and apologized profusely over the next couple of days. He and the dog slept in the car that night and he took it home in the morning. When he returned we had a relatively good time hanging out and camping. Given the situation, we were all a little down but we made the best of it. We finished up the weekend and my friend explained how he was planning on taking the dog through extensive training and was going to work with vets to make sure the aggression wasn't due to any physical problems.

Personally, I think that the dog is a lost cause. I could be wrong and it might be my bias but in my experience, an adult dog with major aggression problems may not be fixed and becomes more trouble than it's worth. My friend is not so inclined and I commend him on his resolve and commitment to keeping a troubled dog and trying to make the best of it. Unfortunately, it may create barriers in his relationships and social life but I'm sure he can work around it. I am not interested in being around that dog again and it has permanently changed the way I think about dogs.

I love dogs and I feel bad for the dog that bit me. I'm sure that it was not treated well and was either intentionally or unintentionally trained to act the way it does. While the event did create a bit of a tension my friend's reaction to it was appropriate and I harbor no ill will toward him. I still think of him as a friend and hope that his dog gets better. This experience has helped me understand how a little bit of trauma can permanently change how you think about the world and its possibilities. In a small way, I understand dogs, people, and the world better because of it.

That is a picture of the cutie that bit me.

Also, here are a couple of videos of a dog I used to own named Wowzer whom I love very much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3tOoeiQst8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUhK6kei8pM