I have a secret.

I walk around the mall watching people. As I do this I am listening to Doug Stanhope on my sweet Bluetooth headset and walking with swift purpose. The purpose is really a hoax for I don't have any need of anything the mall might have other than the potential to satiate my voyeurism. I walk among them with a secret. Am I to keep it?

I wonder who notices me and what they think. Maybe they think, who is this shorter than average 30 something man walking with such purpose? What does he know that we, the public, don't? Why does he seem so confident and aloof?

Well,  I can only assume that my secret is really a sense of pretentiousness. A sense of superiority.  I am not sure what justifies this swagger. I am not accomplished or wisened. I am not kind or giving. I am decent at best but I certainly think a lot about what is better and what is good and I deem most as subpar.

I think the machismo I harbor and restraint must be a compensation.  A way of masking the fear of judgment and rejection. A way to wall off others. I automatically assume I know that most people are not worth my time. Because my time is precious, and yet I waste so much time with mediocre successes and dispassionate work. Why cut myself off to others and then sit back and admit it to blogs? Is there a pretentiousness to that as well? Constantly patting myself on the back for my introspection. Is that who I am?

Since I was young, looking out at the playground at all the kids running around, I have been observing others like a hawk on a wire. I could never imagine that anyone could think like I do. That anyone had a mind like mine. That I was special. And maybe that has sustained my ego even amongst the myriad of bad decisions and lack of ambition. I can look inside and tell myself that I am unique and interesting. That it's the thought that counts. But as I get older I think the actions matter more but what have I done? What have I done that is even remotely intellectual or brave? What have I done that will last and be remembered?  Have I done anything to be proud of? I'll keeping thinking. 

I attempt so much to be unlike the rest, the masses, that I'm not sure who I am. In staying away from the mainstream and struggling to perch above it all I have squandered my precious time. I have more time but what to do with it? What matters in a world divided and a mindset apart?

Complaining About Daily Life

I am continually filled with the angst of complacency in the face of potential greatness and yet I make no advance toward any kind of greater good. Am I delusional in both my concept of greatness and my inaction?

When I am old and dying I do not simply want a lack of regrets but a triumphant and gallant contentment of a life I know was well lived. To change the world for the better, for peace to be increased in a world of embittered hatred and violence.

If morality shapes behavior and morality is formed in the development of the mind then children must be the key. Children can grow up to be empathetic and caring or callous and cruel. These are the seeds of societies future.

So then it is on parents to shape the future. Parents hold the reigns of progress for all in the wake of their carriage. It is not governments or religions that control the world, it is the parents and their decisions that lead to the adults that control the world.

So when you go about your day complaining about the state of the world look to the parents and have sympathy and respect for the children. If there had been more peace in the early lives of the adults we see now we would have less suffering to complain about. It is hard to do the right thing when so many neglect the root of the problem. 

Modern Mate Finding

How do men find mates? Online dating, bars, blind dates? I have been single now for more than a year. Now, when I say single I do not mean I hook up here and there but have not found a steady girlfriend, I mean I have not been on a date nor had any sexual contact for over a year. It has dawned on me that I am simultaneously longing for companionship and dreading the stereotypical expectations of that relationship. And, at this point, I have to admit to myself the awful truth that I'm not really interested in flings.

So, in a culture full of extreme feminism,  political correctness, polarizing religious and politic perspectives, stds, single mothers,  and a slew of other potential landmines, how does a modern, semi intelligent man find a good women? This is my quandary. With my mind and body working against me to seek out insane beauty above impressive character and my friends going through break up after heart wrenching breakup where do I go for advice?

I belive that before the internet people looked to those around them to emulate the successful maters. Parents generally stayed together for better or worse so many boys emulated their fathers. If their dad could do it why can't they? But as part of a generation of children of divorced parents and witnessing the abuse and turmoil of those relationships I can not trust my father for advise or consult. Ok. So what about my peers?

My peers are some of the most directionless,  confused, immoral, and unrelentingly  confident people I have ever witnessed. They drink too much, take pills too much, are depressed and anxious. They are impulsive and aloof all while crying out against the government and religion they tacitly support. And they go from relationship to relationship with little regard for the long term consequences.  Having babies with the same disregard and impatience as neanderthals. I do not trust he majority of my peers.

What about the grandparents? My grandparents had nothing to do with me and are responsible for the rebellion and confusion of my parents. They lived in a bygone era where abuse, war and oppression where unchecked and approved of. I do not trust these dead or near dead people either.

I go online to read dating profiles and despair at my own judgemental  disapproval and sinicism. I don't trust myself or the females I long for. I create rules and deal breakers that essentially no woman could live up to. I am stifled by self imposed idealism. But still I fear the whimsical alternative. The aloof, sexually and emotionally open lifestyles I see in so many others.

In reality I fear success. I fear my own ability to dismiss my standards for sexual pleasure and emotional gratification. I take it all so seriously and do not accept that there is some sort of "game" going on. My dick, my heart and my life are not games to be manipulated by society or women. But what control can I have once I subject myself to the vulnerability or intimacy?

Concepts and Existence

The main difference between things that exist in objective reality and concepts, which can not be empirically verified, is that concepts can only have an indirect effect on physical reality while things that exist objectively can have both direct or indirect effects on physical reality. For example, the concept of math doesn't directly make 2 pencils added to 2 pencils equal 4 pencils. It takes a human hand or something physical to move the objects together and a physical brain to evaluate the experience. The concept of math exists only in the brains capacity to generate a rule from the sense data coming from reality. The concept isn't even observable in the brain because the brain is made up of neurons and it is a combination of neurons that produce what we call math. For an alternative example, a rock exists in physical reality and can fall down a hill and smash into a tree that then falls on a car. It has a direct effect on the tree and an indirect effect on the car. This example is easy to understand but I think the distinction I'm proposing might be helpful in understanding how specific concepts and thoughts can have effects on reality while they do not exist in objective reality.

Specific concepts are tools that only exist in conscious minds and in the language of consciousness. They are not empirically verifiable but they can effect how we choose to live our lives and how we view the world. The concept of God has a huge effect on millions of people and I am sure some would point to this as some sort of proof of the existence of a God but just because people make decisions based on concepts doesn't mean an all powerful, all knowing and logically contradictory entity is pulling strings and saving souls. Our ability to generate concepts and communicate them is a product of evolutionary forces that have benefited humans in their ability to survive and procreate. Some concepts are so useful in these two purposes that they last for centuries. Belief in gods was a way for primitive humans to understand the mysteries of life and create life saving rules and engender social conformity. People rely on the tribe and communicating reasons for occurrences allows for learning and the development of better survival tools that can be passed on to subsequent generations.

Let's take the concept of love for instance. If you were to open up a human's brain and search it you would never be able to point to or pull out a thing that is, on its own, love. Love is a concept we attach to a series of behaviors brought on by different physical activities. Hormones, neurotransmitters, muscles, blood, and all sorts of other biological functions take place in the body and brain which produce different behaviors leading toward sexual arousal, mate selection, sexual activity and bonding. In no certain order. In time humans began to communicate and try to understand these behaviors and the subjective feelings that they experienced. The word "love" was invented and used to communicate the general concept related to these behaviors. Now that the concept of love exists in minds people use this concept to inform their decision making and their behaviors are indirectly effected by their formulation of the concept and it's definition. The expectation that love is "blind " or that love is "unconditional" is based on the individual's formulation of the concept and has the ability to indirectly effect the person's behavior and thinking process in general. When a person defends an abusive partner and claims it is because they love them it is not love that is directly manipulating the interactions but the person's behaviors that has a direct effect on the situation. A person could acknowledge that they believe they love someone and that love means unconditional acceptance but still choose not to defend them when confronted due to another conflicting concept such as justice or self-protection.

If we were to take a person and study their brain activity and have them focus on the concept of love and all its general principles we would find a myriad of neural connections that fluctuate and fire based on differing thoughts related to the concept. Memories, smells, sights, sounds, frontal lope processing all might be witness by the observer examining the brain but at no point would a physical thing called "love" appear to the observer. The word love is just a word people use to communicate complex human behaviors and experiences. The word can be written down or represented in a multitude of physical mediums but can not be empirically validated as an objective physical entity. It is not matter and energy. While neurons directly cause physical changes in he mind and body could be scientifically examined concepts do not directly effect anything because they do not have matter or energy to effect things with matter and energy. The person making the decision to act or not act is responsible for the behavior and the repercussions are real.

Although concepts are indirect players on behavior they can still be powerful forces for both good and evil. Even the concepts of good and evil and the definitions thereof are relentlessly debated and their effects can not be denied. Even if you deny the existence of good and evil you would still be relying on a concept to communicate that idea which effects your behavior. Concepts such as communism, democracy or libertarianism are very instrumental in human societies and have lasting effects on the lives of billions on humans as well as the earth and possibly all the universe. Many people have claimed these concepts as justification for murder, torture, and all manner of cruelty or have tried to spread the concepts on compassion, responsibility and bravery as well.

It is in the scrutinizing, honing and rejecting of bad concepts that human societies make progress toward universal prosperity. While concepts might not fit into the category of things that exist in objective reality they might be the most important things that humans rely on for survival and might be the only thing that will allow humans to continue their actual existence. Concepts are a product of consciousness which is what separates humans from all other biological creatures. It is this difference that allows us to examine new ways of cooperating and understanding ourselves and each other. We rely on concepts every day and because they are not fixed in physical reality they are flexible and our ability to adjust and communicate ever better concepts can allow humans to succeed in the future where no other society has achieved.

Something I learned from Freedomain Radio and Stefan Molyneux : Slowing down

Slowing down and remembering myself in the moment is difficult but important and I think I can get better at this. I found myself looking in a mirror tonight and wondering why I felt anxious and defensive. My mind was creating self defense scenarios where I was answering for myself and defending my position but there was no immediate danger. I felt that my intellect would be challenged and I was bracing myself for these fantasized adversaries. When I thought about this as a curious fact I took a deep breath and remembered who I am. Or tried to remember who I am as I am still discovering who I am. 

I believe that slowing down my thoughts and trying to understand them and even throwing them away sometimes helps me to feel my emotions and discover myself. I am learning to recognize when intellectual justifications start to spill out of my mouth like rabid wasps that I need to slow down and remember myself in the moment. Remember that if I am responding based on learned behaviors and that the only way to change is to recognize these behaviors and accept them as a fact but not that the conclusions that my brain interjects to justify these behaviors are not facts necessarily. 

When I find myself on a verbal roller coaster of prescribed talking points and repeated explanations or defending myself against imagined foes I try to remember try to relax and feel my emotional state. I try to identify my environment and those around me and I try to remember how and who I want to be. I want to be calm and patient. I want to have clarity of thought so that I can express myself honestly. I don't want the pace everyone around me to dictate how I will respond or how I should feel. If someone else is angry or uncomfortable I do not need to instantly try to blame someone or create an story explaining it all away. I really don't know what's causing these emotions and the person expressing them to me probably doesn't know exactly why either. I should be curious and ask questions. Find out more and think more about the facts and the conjectures and...  

Freedom is better than Ambition

I have been trying to understand why I am not motivated to do greater and more lucrative things and why I'm mostly content in my life financially. I make enough money to live and my debt isn't out of control and yet part of me wonders why I do not long for more.

I was verbally and physically abused as a child. My father yelled and screamed at everyone in my family. My mother used to throw things, like clocks, at him and I was told that he hit her once. I remember how my father would start to drive faster when he was angry. My father spanked me and sometimes with implements like this paddle with holes and names on it. My mother spanked me as well with spoons and spatulas.  So my entire childhood was a series of frightening moments that were completely unpredictable. I was in perpetual alert mode most of my childhood. 

After my parents were separated and I would appear for my court ordered visitation with my father I was always very afraid of his potential for violent outbursts and his feverish religious rants. He would simultaneously rant about how GOD wants this and GOD wants that and demean my decisions, opinions, ideas and general sovereignty. He was GOD by the way. I remember when I was about 13 we were in a Fred Meyer and he tried to hold my arm to detain me and I yelled out that he was hurting me to scare him into letting me go. He would hold me hostage in the car and rant and yell about how horrible everything was and how no one was doing what GOD wants or some other nonsense. 

Eventually I graduated and moved to Portland and soon to Eugene. He has remarried and lives in Texas with his christian accountant wife who supports him financially. She isn't a Christian Accountant, she's and accountant who is also a christian. Just wanted to clarify. 

I think that soon after my parents were divorced I started to feel less and less stressed and worried about my father and his rage. Slowly I began to relax and began to live life more freely.

So, I think that when the monster in my life was no longer a threat I became somewhat content. Maybe not fully content but with at least a relatively stable amount of peace I became alright with just living and not judging myself based on expectations for the future. Any of my childish dreams to be a fireman or architect were at least temporarily if not permanently squashed by my childhood monster. I do not desire a lot of money, just enough to control my life to live without horrible people in it. To be able to decide who to share my life with is very important to me. To be able to express myself without shame or retribution is very important to me. 

When I was young it never occurred to me that if I was really good at something that I could put my skills to use for the world. It definitely never occurred to me that I should become rich or famous. My dad is an intellectually stunted and lazy artist and my mother is an intelligent workaholic. I am a little of both. 

On Fear. Again.

I wrote a note about fear about a week ago but it was erased when I decided to purge my phone of pictures and videos. So I will try to rewrite it from memory and see how it turns out.

I hate when people say that fear is the problem. That "there is nothing to fear but fear itself." I do not believe this. I think that these are the words of a manipulator trying to have you suppress your instincts and go against reason. Those who do not wish you to fear war and inhumanity wish for you to embrace it. To embrace the violence inflicted in the name of patriotism and nationalism.

Fear is a biological response to danger. This emotion is responsible for the continuation of our species. We fear death and disease and so we invent medical science. We fear tigers and we run away and invent the spear. Fear is a change in physiology that responds automatically to ensure survival through the release of hormones, neurotransmitters, and other biological mechanisms. These allow the person to run quicker, think faster, or see better. But too much fear and the inability to escape or fight back can be detrimental to the psyche.

Fear is an essential part of the human experience. It indicates danger and helps a person make decisions. I think that hate is a reasonable response to fear. Hate allows one to fight back and protect one's self. And I think the opposite of fear is love. We cannot love and fear the same person. Just like we cannot love and hate the same person.

When I was young I was in a state of perpetual fear. When my parents would yell and scream at each other I was in fear. When my dad would rant and rave at me about how god thinks this and god thinks that I was in fear. When my dad would yell and beat my brother I was in fear. When my brother would beat on me or when his friends would hit me I was in fear.

I am now trying to understand the difference between my past and my present and future. I have no reason to fear my dad or my brother or bullies or anyone in particular. I have no enemies and I am responsible and mostly law abiding. I do a good job at work, I could do more, but nothing to fear there. I am afraid of being a victim of crime and/or violence. The odds of me getting raped are pretty low.

So what am I afraid of? Why do I bite my nails all day and night? Why do I dread confrontstion and worry about getting fired?

I believe that my body has adapted to an environment that was full of unpredictable violence and abuse. I am in a persistent state of vigilance and skepticism. I do not trust people right away and I am cauteous in public. I act as if at any moment I could be in a life or death situation. But it seems that the more I understand this phenomenon and understand how my past is not my present or my future the more I forgive myself for being afraid and the more I can see things are not so scarey anymore.