On Fear. Again.

I wrote a note about fear about a week ago but it was erased when I decided to purge my phone of pictures and videos. So I will try to rewrite it from memory and see how it turns out.

I hate when people say that fear is the problem. That "there is nothing to fear but fear itself." I do not believe this. I think that these are the words of a manipulator trying to have you suppress your instincts and go against reason. Those who do not wish you to fear war and inhumanity wish for you to embrace it. To embrace the violence inflicted in the name of patriotism and nationalism.

Fear is a biological response to danger. This emotion is responsible for the continuation of our species. We fear death and disease and so we invent medical science. We fear tigers and we run away and invent the spear. Fear is a change in physiology that responds automatically to ensure survival through the release of hormones, neurotransmitters, and other biological mechanisms. These allow the person to run quicker, think faster, or see better. But too much fear and the inability to escape or fight back can be detrimental to the psyche.

Fear is an essential part of the human experience. It indicates danger and helps a person make decisions. I think that hate is a reasonable response to fear. Hate allows one to fight back and protect one's self. And I think the opposite of fear is love. We cannot love and fear the same person. Just like we cannot love and hate the same person.

When I was young I was in a state of perpetual fear. When my parents would yell and scream at each other I was in fear. When my dad would rant and rave at me about how god thinks this and god thinks that I was in fear. When my dad would yell and beat my brother I was in fear. When my brother would beat on me or when his friends would hit me I was in fear.

I am now trying to understand the difference between my past and my present and future. I have no reason to fear my dad or my brother or bullies or anyone in particular. I have no enemies and I am responsible and mostly law abiding. I do a good job at work, I could do more, but nothing to fear there. I am afraid of being a victim of crime and/or violence. The odds of me getting raped are pretty low.

So what am I afraid of? Why do I bite my nails all day and night? Why do I dread confrontstion and worry about getting fired?

I believe that my body has adapted to an environment that was full of unpredictable violence and abuse. I am in a persistent state of vigilance and skepticism. I do not trust people right away and I am cauteous in public. I act as if at any moment I could be in a life or death situation. But it seems that the more I understand this phenomenon and understand how my past is not my present or my future the more I forgive myself for being afraid and the more I can see things are not so scarey anymore.

Singing and Dancing Part 1

My self destruction is not loud and exciting. It is not quick or consuming. My self destruction is muted and boring. It is an occasional ciggarette or drinking session. It is self inflicted sleep deprivation. It is sleeping in and wasting a day. Ultimately, my self destruction is a series of mental battles where no one wins and everybody worries.

My lack  of motivation is tempered by my mild depression and existential deliberations. My potential is squandered with every excuse to procrastinate.

I could fulfil all my desires if I put out the effort I am capable of. But instead I come up with excuses and negative scenarios to stop myself from acting. I think that by being patient and waiting for favorable outcomes I will achieve things. This is a lie of disempowerment. This is what keeps me alone and unfulfilled. This is the lie that keeps me uninspired and longing.

I do not risk to venture away from my bubble of imposed security and sheltered states. I stand in the center of my world and look around and judge everything for its possible disaster. How will this end in my feeling self defeated?

I do not know how to share the wins because I do not feel like a winner. I do not celebrate and seek out achievement because I feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough. I loath myself but do nothing to break out and change. I don't know how to be aggressive and confident because I have never cherished those times when my aggressiveness and confidence paid off. I define myself based on the lie that fear pays off and patience is a virtue. I am too weak to achieve my goals and I am too weak to feel passionately about any goals.

I know that passion and drive make successful people but what should I drive for? Why should I be passionate about something? Am I simply not passionate about myself? Do I condemn myself based on years of self doubt and notions of inadequacy? Do I remember all the nervous times and all the times I abstained and use these as examples of how to act?

Why use that model? I should use the memories of when I did badass shit. I should think of myself as one who does what he wants and achieves what he wants.  The one who brushes off failures and moves on to the next challenge. I should think of myself as a doer. I should risk my own impoverished feelings and make a move. Take a stand. Why not?

Emotional update: Journal type entry

Lately I have been feeling a new level of enlightenment. I have been reaffirming myself as a man and an adult and as a person. I have been trying to live with the attitude that I am in control of my attitude. And trying to learn to be happy with the person I have become. I am not a screw up. I think my friends and family really love me. I am trying to enjoy new experiences and people. Trying not to judge too much. I am trying not to be paranoid about getting into trouble. I still feel a huge pressure to be perfect and respectable. I am trying to accept that I do a good job. And that I have become a good person. I am trying to get past the self hate and fears of rejection and inadequacy as a man. I am trying to get out of my own head and just have fun and not worry. I want to believe in myself and have something to strive to do. I still do not know what makes me happy enough to pursue it as a job.

I still beat myself up for seeing what makes men attractive to women. I still call myself a faggot anytime I do anything less than super manly. I still hate my Shitty body. I still don't want to admit that I'm still depressed about being alone. I do not want to admit that I should eat better and exercise. I am over my ex but I am afraid of woman again.

This time for new reasons and old reasons. Old reasons: small penis syndrome makes me embarrassed of my dick and its attractiveness to women. Its been a little over a year since I have kissed someone I really wanted to kiss. I do not make any move any any female I am attracted to. I make excuse after excuse to dismiss every female I interact with. I realized I enjoy the shit out of masturbation. But I want to be with a female super duper intimately. I am a pussy when it comes to asking someone out. I almost don't think I should try, afraid it will all go shitty again. I have brief moments of false victory when a girl will smile at me or talk with me. When I think I was cool or charming with a female. But the is about it. I might chat with a female for a while but I would never tell them the truth about my wickedly sexual desires. And even if I did they would just laugh but really I know that some of the females I am social with might find me attractive and some females have thought about me in romantic and sexual ways.
New reasons: I do not trust woman or myself as a judge of women. I do not know what a want in a woman or what I want in a relationship. It seems like everyone goes through other people like they are testing out a car. I feel like I am better than that. Sometimes I think that women would be lucky to be with me. But I am really worried that my kindness will be ignored or mistreated or taken advantage of. And I will spend all my money and time and it will end up in loneliness and confusion.

I have been thinking that something good will happen soon. That my waiting for a mate will pay off. But I still do very little to make this happen. I just do what I do and if I strike someone's fancy then maybe something good will happen.

I pretend that happiness is the goal to life. I pretend that I live in the moment. I pretend that I am confident. I pretend that I know what is going on. But I am afraid that my pretending will be found out. And someone will say I caught you. I knew you were a fuck up. I knew you couldn't do it.

I pretend to be smart and able. What I need to realize is that at this point I am not pretending any more. I am living my life the way I always pretended life was supposed to be. And I want to be able to admit that and be validated by others as a successful man. I have never been in real trouble in my life and yet it feels just around the corner. I feel weak when I express these thoughts and I feel more alone when I find myself incapable of expressing them to others.

I am alone in my tightened and stressed membrane, paralyzed by doubt I recoil like a snake into a den of my own making.

When relating myself to the world I need to be less judgemental and more forgiving of everything. I need to accept that I am a good man.

I hate silence

I sit alone a lot. Sitting by myself with the tv distracting me from my thoughts. But it doesn't succeed and my thoughts break through like a silent waterfall. Slowly turning on me and becoming entwined with bullshit and self doubt.

Emotional update

I can't have fun anymore. Not like I used to. I get stressed out when people act out of control and frivolous. I judge others with a rightcheous ego-flattering pompousness. I think I'm smarting and better than them. I'm emotionally sensitive to the people around me and feed on their feelings. I am a control freak. I believe in my mind that I am right and note worthy.

I just left my roomate's Xmas party because a fight broke out. Does that make me weak? I couldn't sit there and let these people take me down. I fear the police and the blame I might be placed with since I live there. This one young female supposedly tossed beer on a male. Who knows why? But he gets pissed and the other girl's who are the male's friend come to his rescue. Squacking and yapping they elevated the hate until it erupted with two females pulling hair. Like bitches. I dive into the fray and speak my mind. I yell back and attempt to peel t9he two beasts from each other. No one respects my wishes and with everyone entitled and drunk no one sympathizes with my tenderness.

How dare these people that I barely know affect me so thoroughly? How dare I let myself be affected by these drunkards? I am not interested in an environment full of ill tempers and immature interactions. Violence is abhorant and emotionally draining. Controlling those that choose to be violent is too costly and futile.

So I leave them for sanctuary in wal mart. I can breath here and I am relatively safe. How long do I wait to go back home to face the disaster that accompanies those people? Do my actions require an explanation? I am an emotional creature and other people affect my well being. Fuck all those that disturb my peace.

Come what may, Edited and REPosted

What may...     

Come to pass will last until the past comes back to me.

In my dreams I see strange things but what do they mean?

It seems to be nothing.

But if I'm wrong am I strong enough for the long haul to come?

Understanding the demanding pressure that comes from just standing.

Sitting, sleeping or just quietly listening.

The glistening gleam in the seam of my pupil.

The scoopful of death upon life's lonely scream.

Lean on me constantly and I'll fall from the weight of this great thing you call fate.

With Jealousy, Greed, An abundance of weed. Without seed, stem or need.

NEED?

That need to be free.

That need to be me.

Unless it's not meant to be.

In my rearview I see a backwards eye whose red matches the red from the cruiser's lights.

Police at my back but they just want to pass to I laugh.

DOGS VS HUMANS: Which species is better adapted?

DOGS VS HUMANS

Which species is better adapted?

Dogs are the people and the state is the dog walker.  Leashes are the laws, policemen and jails. The dog feels freedom at times but whenever that leash tightens the dog knows that it has a master. The dog walker makes the decisions and determines the level of freedom but the dog is not free.  Let the dog off the leash and anything can happen.

1.       Food

-Dogs with a home should get plenty of food. An unlucky few dogs have cruel owners who use them for fighting or breeding and do not treat them well.

-Dogs with no home must fend for their food in cities or in nature.

-Humans rely on money in most cultures or stealing for food. Many go without food but many eat until they grow fat and useless and throw away food. Some dogs also eat too much and grow unhealthy.  

-Humans and dogs can eat essentially the same things.

Advantage: Humans

2.       Water

-Dogs rely on humans for this as well as food.

-Humans mostly rely on other humans to provide drinking water. Or they create well or use rivers.

Advantage: Humans

3.       Shelter

-Dogs can take shelter in most places.

-Dogs have fur and do not require robust heating and cooling systems.

-Humans are not suited for all climates and require clothing for warmth.

Advantage: Humans

4.       Hygiene/Disease

-Dogs are prone to genetic issues but humans also have the same issues.

-Genetic diversity establishes better long term evolution for both.

-Dogs encounter more germs than humans and have developed immunities and defenses far superior to humans.

Advantage: Dogs

5.       Vision

-Dogs see better in the dark because of their superior hearing and smell and adaptation to night hunting and such nocturnal activities.

-Human vision is superior during the day and humans do a lot with their vision.

-Humans have created vision improving devices.

Advantage: Humans

6.       Deaths

-Humans kill themselves at alarming rates.

-Suicide is a human trait.

-Humans kill each other over silliness and greed.

-Dogs kill each other over food and mating.

-Humans also kill each other over food and mating.

-Cancer kills both species.

-Humans destroy their bodies with poisons and smoke.

-Dogs are killed by humans. (Neglect or otherwise)

Advantage: Dogs

7.       Sweating

-Humans are efficient sweaters.

-Humans and dogs both need water to cool and replenish lost water.

-Both are warm blooded and require energy for cooling and heating.

-Dogs sweat with their tongue. This is silly.

Advantage: Humans

8.       Life Expectancy

-Dogs live between 10-30 years depending on variables.

- Humans live from 50-100 years. (Far superior life spans)

Advantage: Humans

9.       Control

-Most dogs are controlled by masters. These masters vary in kindness, discipline, punishment, training, etc…

-Most humans are controlled by governments. These governments vary in tactics, philosophy, kindness, punishment, economic philosophy, etc…

-Humans believe themselves to be free.

-Dogs know who their masters are.

Advantage: Unknown

10.   Smelling

-Duh (Humans suck)

-Duh (Dogs rule)

Advantage: Dogs

11.   Intelligence

-Humans created intelligence by naming the thing they do to make thoughts into things.

-Dogs only display intelligence in relation to humans. Humans name things to be intelligent.

-Dogs that survive and mate are successful for their species.

- Dogs that do as they are told are usually more likely to live longer and better lives, although non-obedient dogs often have weak owners and these dogs do well.

Advantage: Bullshit

 

12.   Successful Mating

-The majority of dog breeding is controlled by humans.

-Dogs can breed at will in isolated situations. (When they escape or are free to roam)

-Humans just breed.

-Some human breeding is controlled.

Advantage: Humans

13.   Talking

-Dogs do not talk.

-Humans talk way too much.

Advantage: Humans

14.   Listening (Comprehension/Language)

-A well trained dog will convincingly mimic what a human does when it listens.

-Humans vary in their listening ability.

Advantage: Humans

15.   Stars?

-Dogs do not know what stars are. Their necks are restrained and their perspective is limited.

-Some humans have dedicated everything to them.

Advantage: Unknown

16.   Consciousness

-Dogs may be conscious but what would be the thing in their heads if not a language?

-Is language required for consciousness?

-Do dogs simply have a raw, unbridled and/or primitive language?

-Do humans have consciousness? Do they understand consciousness? Does consciousness exist?

-Is consciousness a word for something else entirely? Like Free will or inner thoughts or the soul?

Advantage: Unknown (Maybe it is better to not be conscious)

Scorecard thus far out of 16:

DOGS: 3

HUMANS: 9

Unknowns: 4

To Be Continued...

17.   Loyalty

18.   Usefulness

19.   Harm to world

20.   Harm to own species

21.