Adventures of Joe Gray: Sniper on the Hill

Looking through my scope I could see about 2 dozen army men lined up at the bottom of a rugged slope with their backs toward a large precipice. They were just standing there waiting for something giving me a perfect opportunity to take them out. I had been tracking them for 2 days across the hilly landscapes waiting for this moment. How dare they come to my homeland taking what they will and killing all those in their way? 

I checked my magazines, each fully loaded with 10 rounds, which should be enough if aim is true. Perched on the limb of a small tree I peered through the scope at my first target. It was a grenadier with mortars ready to go. I aimed for the bulk of the body and breathed in. As I let go of my breath the cross hairs steadied for an instant and I squeezed the trigger smoothly. With a burst I saw the man fly back never to mortar again. 

The others looked frantically about trying to identify the shooter as I aimed at the next one in line. With a shallow exhale I squeezed off another shot down range taking out an infantry man. Then another and another. Now they knew which direction the shots were coming from and started shooting haphazardly in my direction. As my breath quickened and my heart raced I took out men with rifles, bazookas, radios and mortars. 

The trigger clicked empty as the incoming shots got closer and closer. I dropped to my stomach and loaded a new magazine. I steadied the rifle and lined up to continue my volley of destructive justice. Lined up like a shooting gallery they went down one by one as shots flew above and below my position. As the second magazine emptied only a few remained and only one of them was still fighting back. The others had resigned themselves to their fate and staggered around aimlessly. 

I ejected the empty magazine and loaded the last one as I moved to a kneeling position. Propping my arm on my knee I steadied for my last shots. Now just shooting rapid fire at the remaining infantry men bullets whizzed and pinged off the ground but still they went down. With a deep breath I stood up to see the destruction and marvel at my doing. Victory was mine!

I walked over to the downed army men and began to set them back up in interesting places on the dirt. Some behind rocks and some atop stumps. A few had been flung far enough that I couldn't find them, truly lost in the battle. I was getting better with the 22 semi-auto my dad had gotten me and I loved practicing with the new scope. Bullets were cheap and I would test myself at longer range this time. The plastic men wouldn't know what hit them. 

Adventurers of Joe Gray: The Heist

"Get in!" Caleb growled at me as I ran along side the safari van we had jacked the day before. The sirens were getting louder. We had the money but someone had tipped them off. I jumped in the side door as Caleb sped up.

I grabbed the uzi waiting for me on the passenger seat just in time for the first cop car to pull into view. I peered out the window and began firing at the oncoming patrol car.

"What the fuck went wrong?" Caleb yelled in my direction, barely audible over the gun shots.

"I don't know. Someone snitched." I responded while reloading.

Then, all of a sudden one of the cars zoomed up beside us and fired, breaking the side mirror and forcing Caleb to swerve. With rage I blasted 30 rounds at the driver hitting him multiple times in the face and chest. The cop slumped over and drove straight into a parked car.

"Oh shit!" I said as I turned to look at Caleb looking back with a devious smile.

The next car was coming up quick but I had a surprise for them. A bazooka was sitting in the back of the van just for this situation.

"I'm gunna shoot out the back window and hit them with the bazooka."

"Do it!" Caleb said gleefully.

The glass blew out instantly from my 45 and then I grabbed the bazooka. I pulled the heavy piece of metal destruction to my shoulder and aimed carefully at the oncoming officers. Just as I could see an expression of sheer amazement and fear from the cops faces I pulled the trigger.

Phewww!!! Pow!

The cop car blew up 10 feet in a cloud of fire and smoke.

"Woo hoo!" I exclaimed. "Let's get the fuck outta here."

"Fuck yeah! Let's get some chicks!" Caleb said with delight.

"Fuck yeah!"

We drove off hoping that was the last of them. We always picked up some chicks and partied after a job.

Caleb and I jumped out of my mom's red safari van and headed toward the back yard where the sun was going down. We would chat about life until it was time to go in. I always enjoyed having Caleb over.

Adventures of Joe Gray: Ninjas in the Backyard

Ninjas were all around me. From all sides they crept over the horse fence and through the trees wearing all black and looking to kill. I had only my trusty hockey stick, long past its hockey days, as my weapon of choice. Its curved end acting like an outstretched cleaver ready to dismantle any would-be assassin.

I took a readied stance as they surrounded me. At once they clambered in at me. I swiped down with a mighty blow taking out the first at the shoulder. Then I moved seamlessly between foes striking with unpredictable fluidity and accuracy. To the left I struck one in the side, nearly cleaving him in half. Then, in an instant, I swung behind striking sideways at another. Feeling overwhelmed I swung my stick in a 360 arc around my body taking out evil assassin after evil assassin in a wave of fury and poise.

They backed off for a second allowing me to catch my breath. But then they came at me again. This time I moved around the field forcing them to follow instead of lead. As I slayed one ahead of me with a head splitting swish I rolled and turned to strike the one approaching from behind, catching him off guard from a low position. I looked up and saw that they had stopped the advance. They were backing away. Standing in premature triumph I heard the thud of an unseen giant's steps.

Through the trees I saw its face. Covered in an ornate ancient samurai helm it grinned unrelentingly at me. 10 feet tall and with a sword 6 feet long it began to run. The monster bore down on me like a bull but I stood my ground. As it approached the red and blue of its armor shown brighter and brighter until soon it was right on me. At the last second I rolled between its legs and turned striking down on its back with the sharp end of my stick. It sunk deep in its back. The giant stood for a moment and then collapsed with a roar and a gasp. I turned around to see the backs of my enemies scattering back into the trees, doubtfully for the last time.

Dinner would be soon and it was beginning to get cold. I roamed around the edge of the tree line smacking my stick into anything that might break. Foxglove was always easy to take out but small branches were fun too. I spun my hockey stick around a bit. I looked at the business end seeing that it was becoming damaged more and more but no matter as I wasn't going to be playing hockey out here in the middle of nowhere anyway. I wondered if mom and dad were going to fight again that night.

Extreme Anxiety at 5,000 Ft.

ON a recent backpacking trip to the Deschutes National Forest I learned something very important about myself; I learned that fear is a driving force in my life. I am a fearful person. I allow fear to permeate my thoughts and stunt my actions. I imagine all the potentially negative outcomes to any action and err on the side of inaction. I ignore or devalue any potentially positive outcomes even when they are much more likely. At times these fantasies are so overwhelming and horrifying that I am frozen with debilitating anxiety. This extreme case happened a few days ago. 

My brother I had been planning a backpacking trip for months. I spent so much time at REI preparing for this adventure and when it came time to head up to the mountains I thought I was ready for anything. But all the gear in the world wouldn't help me with the unrelenting fear that occurred as soon as the night fell and the internal fear machine kicked in that first night. Lying in the tent in the dark, with thousands of frogs raucously belching for 6 hours, my mind began twisting the cacophony  into impending doom. Sometimes it was screams in the distance but mostly I anticipated bears or cougars skulking around the tent looking to attack and eat me as soon as I fell asleep. Even as I attempted to sooth my self with a rational outlook the intensity of my fear was unstoppable. 

The next day as the light grew and I regained my sanity the fear was replaced by a sense of shame at my lack of courage and psychological control. In the back of my mind I knew that another night was coming and I didn't want to let the fear win. I didn't want to admit to myself or my brother the severity of the anxiety and I was not going to puss out and ask to go home. Fuck that. So we picked up camp and explored more of the trails and settled on a new site closer to the trail head and along a swift river. We were no more than an hour from the car and with hours of daylight we could have easily just went home and part of me wanted that more than anything. We came here to camp and be in nature and I knew that to give in to the fear would not only be esteem shattering but disappointing to my brother. 

As the second day grew to a close I found that as I stayed busy preparing firewood, making spears, or a poor attempt at a bushcraft fence that my mind was calm and unencumbered. After we watched the fire wither away into embers we retreated to the tent for the final night. We played cards for a while but soon I was alone with my thoughts and as I stared into darkness the theater of my mind stormed with a jumble of tension and horror. I wanted to cry but instead clenched my fists with frustration and after hours of torment I realized something. I realized that this was just a symptom of a fundamental personality trait. I began remembering other times in my life where extreme pessimism weighed me down. Times where I felt stuck in my body and out of control of my mind. 

This realization was crucial because I identified the root of my distress. I wasn't afraid of bears or cougars. Instead I have a deftly refined ability to think negatively that has permeated my life in one form or another for a very long time. It has stopped me from speaking my mind, from taking action and living in the moment. So, as I lay there, epiphany in hand, I began an impromptu mantra:

-I do not want fear to run my life.

-I want to be more courageous and brave. 

-I am powerful

I repeated these lines over and over in my head until I became relatively relaxed. Not completely relaxed, but I could see that I was telling a story of despair in my head and that the real story would not end so tragically. I accepted all the emotions I was having but identified fear as only diminishing my will and power. 

Fear was the only problem. I could fight a bear. Fuck bears! I had my brother to help me and I had a spear right out side the tent. I would murder a bear or at least go out fighting. Also, as we later googled, the odds of being attacked out in the woods are super fucking low. In fact one article explained that being in the woods may be the safest place a human can be. Throughout this trip I realized how brave and compassionate my brother is. We were very in sync and I learned how similar we are and I love his ability to enjoy life. 

Now I have to catch myself as I create stories of horror and remind myself that I will not let fear run my life. Fuck fear. 

Human Behavior: A Retail Perspective

When I watch people and try to understand the motivations and underlying psychological processes involved in everyday stupidity I am often baffled and frustrated by the seemingly obvious yet complete absence of common sense, logic, reasoning and simple observation in others. People, and I am sure I am guilty of plenty of stupidity, do the most ridiculous things in economic environments. Both customers and employees can often make even the simplest task superbly arduous.

I am not going to bore you with a list of examples of ridiculously stupid things people do while trying to navigate a merchant's wares because I have no doubt that you can come up with a half a dozen before you finish reading this sentence. You might be thinking of a time when a customer asked you where they might find the thing that is right in front of them, or asking you if your product is alphabetized when even a quick and rudimentary test of this hypothesis would instantly answer the question, or said it is illegal to not have a display item in stock. So, instead I will make a list of the variables I try to remember when I have my wits about me and stave off the inclination to scream.

1. People are stupid.
If 50% of people in the general public are below average cognitive abilities, as scored by a variety of IQ tests, then 50% of people are simply not working with the required equipment to make the kind of economic and practical decisions afforded them. For example, people will get insurance on something that worth a small amount and not on something worth a much larger amount because the smaller number is less money not more valuable. But it is the more expensive item that will be more expensive to replace and for the most part a smarter person won't get insurance on something they plan on taking care of anyway. They trust that they can manage their environment successfully and mitigate the risks. A lesser intelligent person does not think rationally about the future but relies on an instinct about the here and now. This is a generalization and may not apply to everyone but it certainly is something I think about when trying to understand human behavior.

2. People are Ego managers
People are often times very concerned with maintaining a perspective of themselves that is completely positive. Telling them they are wrong or explaining a deficiency in their thinking sparks defensive maneuvers and they may lash out, or retract entirely, imagining you as an attacker. They may bolster their claims with unwarranted certainty or hurl accusations. Or, even before speaking to them they will attempt to dominate the conversation with demands either veiled in awkward levity or aggressive expectation. Most people haven't taken a hard look at their flaws and assumptions about themselves enough to go through the world with humble curiosity. Is that so crazy to expect?

3. People do not see things from other perspectives
People often times are incapable of seeing things from another's perspective. When they see someone that works somewhere they see them as a means to their end. They see them as a tool to do as they desire. (This is partly a product of the modern corporation bending over backwards for years for customers that do not deserve courtesy.) Many people have never worked in a customer service field, with other people directly, or understand how businesses work and many people, in the general public, have really never had a job. They've never been someone who serves others so their empathy is not informed by this experience.

4. Some people are genuinely mentally handicapped
Sometimes I encounter people on the cusp of judgement between thinking they are a deliberately obtuse individual or they might genuinely need my help. It takes a moment of often times my frustration is relieved when I come to realize that this person isn't being a jerk but simply needs a bit of assistance. They do not have the social or cognitive skills to be perfectly polite or understand that I am busy with something else. This is actually a wonderful thing to happen because then I can't blame them for my frustration, I can only blame myself for not being patient.

5. Lastly, (for now), I choose to be here
I am not a slave to my job and choose to go everyday knowing that I will encounter an assortment of inane and sometimes insane people. This is my doing and I should remember this above all else. I choose to look at everyone as if they are time bombs of unpredictable behavior and potentially dangerous intent. I should remember that my own defenses and judgments inform my thoughts and can rule my emotions. I should remember that I can, if I want, simply leave and go take a walk up a mountain if it becomes too much to handle. I have to ask myself if the money is worth the internal turmoil? And if it isn't then I should act, not act out.

Podcasts I listen to as of 4/14/16

I love podcasts! They are On Demand Radio! Whether I'm in the shower, car, on a walk, or at work I am always listening to podcasts. I try to balance the information I get so I listen to educational podcasts and I listen to more comedic podcasts. I love the variety and freedom in podcasts. Here is a quick list of the podcasts I listen to regularly right now.

I listen to all of these on my phone with the Android app Podcast Addict but you can get them on iTunes, directly from these websites or with other apps and options to fit you. Check them out and let me know what you're listening to! @JoeGrins on twitter.

Educational:
1. The Tim Ferriss Show
http://fourhourworkweek.com/podcast/
-Interviews with top performers.

2. The Joe Rogan Experience
http://podcasts.joerogan.net/
-Interviews with entertainers, scientists and others.

3. Star Talk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson
http://www.startalkradio.net/
-Science talk about the cosmos.

4. Philosophy Bites
http://philosophybites.com/
-Short interviews with philosophers about a topic.

5. Freedomain Radio with Stefan Molyneux
http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/
-Conversations, Call ins, Interviews about philosophy, culture, politics, relationships and more.

Comedy/Entertainment:
1. Doug Loves Movies
http://douglovesmovies.com/
-Doug Benson hosts a movie trivia show.

2. Your Mom's House
http://yourmomshousepodcast.com/
-Christina Paxsitzky and Tom Segura are comedians.

3. Superego
http://www.gosuperego.com/
-Improv showcase.

4. Fleeting Thoughts Podcast (Shameless Plug)
http://www.fleetingthoughtspodcast.com/
-Channing Cornwall and I have conversations about life.

5. Spouting off with Josh Gray (Shameless Plug for brother)
http://www.joshdgray.com/sojg/
-My brother interviews people.

6. Day Job Gamescast (Shameless Plug)
http://www.dayjobgamers.com/
-Video game conversations.

Thanks for reading!

Secret Diaries (Thoughts are like a river)

Kids keep secrets in diaries. I wonder why kids would need to keep so many secrets. Is a diary a poor substitute for true connection? If a child lives in a household full of open and honest communication I imagine they would have little need for a secret diary. They may have a diary for writing down thoughts but only a child who feels ashamed would need to conceal their thoughts in a book. Humans need to communicate so much that in lieu of another's ear people will write down their thoughts in an effort to satisfy the need to communicate. And for a moment the thoughts can rest.

Thoughts are like a river. The waters can be calm, barely indicating any potential danger but in an instant the waters are raging and thrashing along its banks. Emotions and thoughts torrent through the mind slicing a deeper and deeper river. And even in the rocky and narrow parts the river is not stopped. It rejects the obstacles and forces its way with still more violence and vigor. But sometimes the river comes to a head and a pool of stagnant muck accrues. The river is slowed and fills the space. The dam can only hold the river's weight and might for so long before the river finds a way over, under, around or through the dam.

It is somewhat sad to think that writing in a secret diary is the only way to ease the river along. I spend a lot of time managing my internal torrents of thoughts and perceptions. Sometimes I write them down in a notebook or on a blog. When I was young I made sure to hide myself from the judgement of others but now I long to connect. I want to express myself honestly and more fully. I want the river of my thoughts to never pool at the head of a complacent dam.