Something I learned from Freedomain Radio and Stefan Molyneux : Slowing down

Slowing down and remembering myself in the moment is difficult but important and I think I can get better at this. I found myself looking in a mirror tonight and wondering why I felt anxious and defensive. My mind was creating self defense scenarios where I was answering for myself and defending my position but there was no immediate danger. I felt that my intellect would be challenged and I was bracing myself for these fantasized adversaries. When I thought about this as a curious fact I took a deep breath and remembered who I am. Or tried to remember who I am as I am still discovering who I am. 

I believe that slowing down my thoughts and trying to understand them and even throwing them away sometimes helps me to feel my emotions and discover myself. I am learning to recognize when intellectual justifications start to spill out of my mouth like rabid wasps that I need to slow down and remember myself in the moment. Remember that if I am responding based on learned behaviors and that the only way to change is to recognize these behaviors and accept them as a fact but not that the conclusions that my brain interjects to justify these behaviors are not facts necessarily. 

When I find myself on a verbal roller coaster of prescribed talking points and repeated explanations or defending myself against imagined foes I try to remember try to relax and feel my emotional state. I try to identify my environment and those around me and I try to remember how and who I want to be. I want to be calm and patient. I want to have clarity of thought so that I can express myself honestly. I don't want the pace everyone around me to dictate how I will respond or how I should feel. If someone else is angry or uncomfortable I do not need to instantly try to blame someone or create an story explaining it all away. I really don't know what's causing these emotions and the person expressing them to me probably doesn't know exactly why either. I should be curious and ask questions. Find out more and think more about the facts and the conjectures and...  

Freedom is better than Ambition

I have been trying to understand why I am not motivated to do greater and more lucrative things and why I'm mostly content in my life financially. I make enough money to live and my debt isn't out of control and yet part of me wonders why I do not long for more.

I was verbally and physically abused as a child. My father yelled and screamed at everyone in my family. My mother used to throw things, like clocks, at him and I was told that he hit her once. I remember how my father would start to drive faster when he was angry. My father spanked me and sometimes with implements like this paddle with holes and names on it. My mother spanked me as well with spoons and spatulas.  So my entire childhood was a series of frightening moments that were completely unpredictable. I was in perpetual alert mode most of my childhood. 

After my parents were separated and I would appear for my court ordered visitation with my father I was always very afraid of his potential for violent outbursts and his feverish religious rants. He would simultaneously rant about how GOD wants this and GOD wants that and demean my decisions, opinions, ideas and general sovereignty. He was GOD by the way. I remember when I was about 13 we were in a Fred Meyer and he tried to hold my arm to detain me and I yelled out that he was hurting me to scare him into letting me go. He would hold me hostage in the car and rant and yell about how horrible everything was and how no one was doing what GOD wants or some other nonsense. 

Eventually I graduated and moved to Portland and soon to Eugene. He has remarried and lives in Texas with his christian accountant wife who supports him financially. She isn't a Christian Accountant, she's and accountant who is also a christian. Just wanted to clarify. 

I think that soon after my parents were divorced I started to feel less and less stressed and worried about my father and his rage. Slowly I began to relax and began to live life more freely.

So, I think that when the monster in my life was no longer a threat I became somewhat content. Maybe not fully content but with at least a relatively stable amount of peace I became alright with just living and not judging myself based on expectations for the future. Any of my childish dreams to be a fireman or architect were at least temporarily if not permanently squashed by my childhood monster. I do not desire a lot of money, just enough to control my life to live without horrible people in it. To be able to decide who to share my life with is very important to me. To be able to express myself without shame or retribution is very important to me. 

When I was young it never occurred to me that if I was really good at something that I could put my skills to use for the world. It definitely never occurred to me that I should become rich or famous. My dad is an intellectually stunted and lazy artist and my mother is an intelligent workaholic. I am a little of both. 

On Fear. Again.

I wrote a note about fear about a week ago but it was erased when I decided to purge my phone of pictures and videos. So I will try to rewrite it from memory and see how it turns out.

I hate when people say that fear is the problem. That "there is nothing to fear but fear itself." I do not believe this. I think that these are the words of a manipulator trying to have you suppress your instincts and go against reason. Those who do not wish you to fear war and inhumanity wish for you to embrace it. To embrace the violence inflicted in the name of patriotism and nationalism.

Fear is a biological response to danger. This emotion is responsible for the continuation of our species. We fear death and disease and so we invent medical science. We fear tigers and we run away and invent the spear. Fear is a change in physiology that responds automatically to ensure survival through the release of hormones, neurotransmitters, and other biological mechanisms. These allow the person to run quicker, think faster, or see better. But too much fear and the inability to escape or fight back can be detrimental to the psyche.

Fear is an essential part of the human experience. It indicates danger and helps a person make decisions. I think that hate is a reasonable response to fear. Hate allows one to fight back and protect one's self. And I think the opposite of fear is love. We cannot love and fear the same person. Just like we cannot love and hate the same person.

When I was young I was in a state of perpetual fear. When my parents would yell and scream at each other I was in fear. When my dad would rant and rave at me about how god thinks this and god thinks that I was in fear. When my dad would yell and beat my brother I was in fear. When my brother would beat on me or when his friends would hit me I was in fear.

I am now trying to understand the difference between my past and my present and future. I have no reason to fear my dad or my brother or bullies or anyone in particular. I have no enemies and I am responsible and mostly law abiding. I do a good job at work, I could do more, but nothing to fear there. I am afraid of being a victim of crime and/or violence. The odds of me getting raped are pretty low.

So what am I afraid of? Why do I bite my nails all day and night? Why do I dread confrontstion and worry about getting fired?

I believe that my body has adapted to an environment that was full of unpredictable violence and abuse. I am in a persistent state of vigilance and skepticism. I do not trust people right away and I am cauteous in public. I act as if at any moment I could be in a life or death situation. But it seems that the more I understand this phenomenon and understand how my past is not my present or my future the more I forgive myself for being afraid and the more I can see things are not so scarey anymore.

Singing and Dancing Part 1

My self destruction is not loud and exciting. It is not quick or consuming. My self destruction is muted and boring. It is an occasional ciggarette or drinking session. It is self inflicted sleep deprivation. It is sleeping in and wasting a day. Ultimately, my self destruction is a series of mental battles where no one wins and everybody worries.

My lack  of motivation is tempered by my mild depression and existential deliberations. My potential is squandered with every excuse to procrastinate.

I could fulfil all my desires if I put out the effort I am capable of. But instead I come up with excuses and negative scenarios to stop myself from acting. I think that by being patient and waiting for favorable outcomes I will achieve things. This is a lie of disempowerment. This is what keeps me alone and unfulfilled. This is the lie that keeps me uninspired and longing.

I do not risk to venture away from my bubble of imposed security and sheltered states. I stand in the center of my world and look around and judge everything for its possible disaster. How will this end in my feeling self defeated?

I do not know how to share the wins because I do not feel like a winner. I do not celebrate and seek out achievement because I feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough. I loath myself but do nothing to break out and change. I don't know how to be aggressive and confident because I have never cherished those times when my aggressiveness and confidence paid off. I define myself based on the lie that fear pays off and patience is a virtue. I am too weak to achieve my goals and I am too weak to feel passionately about any goals.

I know that passion and drive make successful people but what should I drive for? Why should I be passionate about something? Am I simply not passionate about myself? Do I condemn myself based on years of self doubt and notions of inadequacy? Do I remember all the nervous times and all the times I abstained and use these as examples of how to act?

Why use that model? I should use the memories of when I did badass shit. I should think of myself as one who does what he wants and achieves what he wants.  The one who brushes off failures and moves on to the next challenge. I should think of myself as a doer. I should risk my own impoverished feelings and make a move. Take a stand. Why not?

Emotional update: Journal type entry

Lately I have been feeling a new level of enlightenment. I have been reaffirming myself as a man and an adult and as a person. I have been trying to live with the attitude that I am in control of my attitude. And trying to learn to be happy with the person I have become. I am not a screw up. I think my friends and family really love me. I am trying to enjoy new experiences and people. Trying not to judge too much. I am trying not to be paranoid about getting into trouble. I still feel a huge pressure to be perfect and respectable. I am trying to accept that I do a good job. And that I have become a good person. I am trying to get past the self hate and fears of rejection and inadequacy as a man. I am trying to get out of my own head and just have fun and not worry. I want to believe in myself and have something to strive to do. I still do not know what makes me happy enough to pursue it as a job.

I still beat myself up for seeing what makes men attractive to women. I still call myself a faggot anytime I do anything less than super manly. I still hate my Shitty body. I still don't want to admit that I'm still depressed about being alone. I do not want to admit that I should eat better and exercise. I am over my ex but I am afraid of woman again.

This time for new reasons and old reasons. Old reasons: small penis syndrome makes me embarrassed of my dick and its attractiveness to women. Its been a little over a year since I have kissed someone I really wanted to kiss. I do not make any move any any female I am attracted to. I make excuse after excuse to dismiss every female I interact with. I realized I enjoy the shit out of masturbation. But I want to be with a female super duper intimately. I am a pussy when it comes to asking someone out. I almost don't think I should try, afraid it will all go shitty again. I have brief moments of false victory when a girl will smile at me or talk with me. When I think I was cool or charming with a female. But the is about it. I might chat with a female for a while but I would never tell them the truth about my wickedly sexual desires. And even if I did they would just laugh but really I know that some of the females I am social with might find me attractive and some females have thought about me in romantic and sexual ways.
New reasons: I do not trust woman or myself as a judge of women. I do not know what a want in a woman or what I want in a relationship. It seems like everyone goes through other people like they are testing out a car. I feel like I am better than that. Sometimes I think that women would be lucky to be with me. But I am really worried that my kindness will be ignored or mistreated or taken advantage of. And I will spend all my money and time and it will end up in loneliness and confusion.

I have been thinking that something good will happen soon. That my waiting for a mate will pay off. But I still do very little to make this happen. I just do what I do and if I strike someone's fancy then maybe something good will happen.

I pretend that happiness is the goal to life. I pretend that I live in the moment. I pretend that I am confident. I pretend that I know what is going on. But I am afraid that my pretending will be found out. And someone will say I caught you. I knew you were a fuck up. I knew you couldn't do it.

I pretend to be smart and able. What I need to realize is that at this point I am not pretending any more. I am living my life the way I always pretended life was supposed to be. And I want to be able to admit that and be validated by others as a successful man. I have never been in real trouble in my life and yet it feels just around the corner. I feel weak when I express these thoughts and I feel more alone when I find myself incapable of expressing them to others.

I am alone in my tightened and stressed membrane, paralyzed by doubt I recoil like a snake into a den of my own making.

When relating myself to the world I need to be less judgemental and more forgiving of everything. I need to accept that I am a good man.

I hate silence

I sit alone a lot. Sitting by myself with the tv distracting me from my thoughts. But it doesn't succeed and my thoughts break through like a silent waterfall. Slowly turning on me and becoming entwined with bullshit and self doubt.

Emotional update

I can't have fun anymore. Not like I used to. I get stressed out when people act out of control and frivolous. I judge others with a rightcheous ego-flattering pompousness. I think I'm smarting and better than them. I'm emotionally sensitive to the people around me and feed on their feelings. I am a control freak. I believe in my mind that I am right and note worthy.

I just left my roomate's Xmas party because a fight broke out. Does that make me weak? I couldn't sit there and let these people take me down. I fear the police and the blame I might be placed with since I live there. This one young female supposedly tossed beer on a male. Who knows why? But he gets pissed and the other girl's who are the male's friend come to his rescue. Squacking and yapping they elevated the hate until it erupted with two females pulling hair. Like bitches. I dive into the fray and speak my mind. I yell back and attempt to peel t9he two beasts from each other. No one respects my wishes and with everyone entitled and drunk no one sympathizes with my tenderness.

How dare these people that I barely know affect me so thoroughly? How dare I let myself be affected by these drunkards? I am not interested in an environment full of ill tempers and immature interactions. Violence is abhorant and emotionally draining. Controlling those that choose to be violent is too costly and futile.

So I leave them for sanctuary in wal mart. I can breath here and I am relatively safe. How long do I wait to go back home to face the disaster that accompanies those people? Do my actions require an explanation? I am an emotional creature and other people affect my well being. Fuck all those that disturb my peace.