Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

All at once I am overcome with emotion.  I feel weak and lonely and angry at the world and at myself and I hate my emotions. I hate the frustration and sadness. I hate the hate.  I think about her and I think about how I used to feel and how it is all gone. I think about how it won’t be the same ever again.  My reaction doesn’t make any sense intellectually. To feel this way or think these things is not logical but logic is not a part of these emotions. These are instincts that need no reason or excuse or words to explain them. They rise from within the primal brain and flood the synapses with doubt and anxiety. My body is physically changed bringing hopelessness and despair to the forefront of my mind.

All at once my mind returns to me and I am living with reason again and I respect the emotions that helped me express and enlighten my mind. My fears, doubts and misunderstandings about the world and myself are illuminated and reflected upon. I can create compartments and organize my thoughts again and I can think about the future and its possibilities. My reason is not fearful or sad. My reason is contemplative and deep. A creative machine that churns and fluctuates like a million spiraling spheres rotating around an axis.

But…

All of a sudden, after accomplishing some intellectual goal or the excitement from finding that one enlightened thought that is so perfect, I am pulled back into an emotional abyss.  But these emotions are good and create confidence in me. Calm floods my mind with hope and joy and a smile comes easy. The mind is clear and the world is absorbed more fully with less thought and judgment. Thoughts are not too complicated because the world is not too complicated and everything is ok.

Soon I will be alone again without a sufficient distraction and it will come on slow in the silence of those moments that will eventually lead up to a new emotional bought full of fear, frustration and helplessness.

My personal balance beam teeters back and forth with waves of uncertainty and confusion. I seek peace when centered but find madness at the margins. My ocean deepens and the waves change but throughout the years the teetering remains. Hopefully, with age, I will learn to love both sides of the beam.

Overwhelming yet Revitalizing: Painful yet Enlightening

Video Game Industry Tactics: Booklets and Strat. Guides

 

The informational booklets that come with new games are becoming smaller and smaller. Most games come with a decent sized informational booklet that explains the controls, story synopsis, and other miscellaneous tid-bits that help the gamer get oriented with the game. Lately, though, these booklets have little to no information pertaining to actual game content. Except for some warranty and copyright information the insert is excitingly baron.

Why is this becoming the norm you ask? I will tell you.

This is because some piece of shit executive wanted to save money and make money all at the same time. Now keep in mind that this probably wasn’t an executive’s idea in the first place but some exec signed off on it. By decreasing the number of pages used in the booklet the company saves money which is reason enough to make that move. Second thing, by offering strategy guides they can capitalize on the gamer’s need for information supposing that the gamer does not think to go on the internet. If the gamer decides to go on the internet they have connections with the websites that offer the walkthroughs and wikis and the websites sell ad space for the video game industry. Thus, the industry wins. 

 AND some games don’t need any bloody additional information. Just play the game and figure it out or go online and use someone else’s work.  It’s not a big deal. Games should be fun because of the content of the game and information should be available when needed and as needed. Games should be about engrossing adventures, glorious rampages and thought provoking experiences, not about extra bullshit.

Religious rants and the word god.

Religious rants and the word god.

 I am a poor Buddhist because I fear the quietness in my mind.

I am a poor Christian because I do not believe in old stories.

I am a horrible Muslim because I do not believe in old stories.

I am a horrible Mormon because I don’t trust white leaders.

I will never be a catholic because gold is gaudy and ridiculous.

I am not an atheist even though I do not believe in god. I actually have a problem with the word god. I don’t think it means anything and I think it can mean anything so it is useless. When someone thinks that they do not believe in god they are saying they do not believe in a word that has no real meaning. When you acknowledge that the word is blindingly ambiguous you can acquire better knowledge of what you are talking about.

Before there was a word god there was a concept of god. And that concept had a clear meaning the people using that word. But when they said it they did not say god. They said the word for god in their language and it was understood before anyone had to write it down. If you have a religion you think that you know what the word god means. You go to church and read books about your god but you do not know what that word means.

The concept of god came at a time when people had very few words and the word god was powerful and deep. In each culture a new concept would emerge that described important and powerful things and soon the concept turned into worship and adoration. Some people built statues and monuments to celebrate their gods; their concepts. To some, gods had to be named and organized and for some god is one thing and for others god means everything or is it nothing and to some it means the earth and yet to some others it means the sun or moon or money or sex or fame or anything. Seriously it is a useless word.

So when someone asks if I believe in god what do I say? Do I say I do not believe in god when I do not know what that word means?  I have concepts of things and names for things and I can be content to not know things and name things that I do not know things I do not know. I do not desire to do anything more than to try to know what others mean when they say the words god or gods and try to understand why it matters. I think that there are more precise and creative ways to explain things than to continue to use this word GOD.

I am a poor agnostic because I am unsure that there is an answer to be unsure of. Maybe even the placing of a yes or no designation to the existence of something is the first mistake. Seeking is not the mistake but maybe inferior words and thinking lead to useless things.   

I will always dream of what it would mean to know things.

I will always dream of what it would mean to know things.

If I had all the money and power in the world I would have dreams. These are these dreams:

I would build a time machine that was a huge spaceship and it would hold my collections of things that matter. Information technology would be the most important and possible video equipment as well and it would need food and life support systems, obviously. My spaceship would be able to go back and forth through time and travel throughout the universe evolving and my ship would adapt to new information about reality and interface with my mind and body as if it were part of my body but I could separate from my ship and move about the planets and times that I travel.

I would go back to the Egyptians and see how they moved such large stones and built such mighty structures. I would ask them why they did what they did and how their language came about.  I would ask them about their culture and I would record it all.

I would go the South America and see the Mayans and discover their secrets. I would ask them about the sky and about their mountains villages.

I want to see Pangaea from a satellite view and take a real picture. I want to set up a time lapse film from 20,000ft above the earth spanning the entire lifespan of the earth. I want to show this film to children in schools.

I don’t want to use anthropological theories or archeological evidence or geological timelines to create a digital representation of what the best western minds have to offer on the history of the planet. No, I want to see if happen. I want to watch the world grow and the plants evolve into animals and the animals evolve into oil.

I want to hear what a pterodactyl sounded like.

I want to take my ship into the ocean and watch islands form into continents and then go above the land and watch life grow and change.

I would see what it was like to be entertained by burning witches and fights to the death.

I want to film and record it all and travel in and out of time and throughout the fabric of space discovering the nature of things.

I want to see what things were like before the big bang. See if there was any big bang.

I suppose that with all the money and power in the world I would covet knowledge. I would seek to know everything even if that meant there was really nothing at all to know. I would want to be able to come back to the time I belonged to originally and be able to astound people with the things I know of the universe. 

But for now I have to be content with the theories and the philosophies that I find and research. I am content with the search for impressive knowledge here on earth and in my back yard and on TV. I will listen to interesting things that I find on iTunes or see on Youtube. I will listen to books on things that are informational and entertaining. I will be open to all ideas but I will filter out the things that don’t seem true to me. I will be wrong much of the time about most things but I will continue to learn things about the world. I will learn things about myself through the learning of things about the world and create a biased perspective.