Secret Diaries (Thoughts are like a river)

Kids keep secrets in diaries. I wonder why kids would need to keep so many secrets. Is a diary a poor substitute for true connection? If a child lives in a household full of open and honest communication I imagine they would have little need for a secret diary. They may have a diary for writing down thoughts but only a child who feels ashamed would need to conceal their thoughts in a book. Humans need to communicate so much that in lieu of another's ear people will write down their thoughts in an effort to satisfy the need to communicate. And for a moment the thoughts can rest.

Thoughts are like a river. The waters can be calm, barely indicating any potential danger but in an instant the waters are raging and thrashing along its banks. Emotions and thoughts torrent through the mind slicing a deeper and deeper river. And even in the rocky and narrow parts the river is not stopped. It rejects the obstacles and forces its way with still more violence and vigor. But sometimes the river comes to a head and a pool of stagnant muck accrues. The river is slowed and fills the space. The dam can only hold the river's weight and might for so long before the river finds a way over, under, around or through the dam.

It is somewhat sad to think that writing in a secret diary is the only way to ease the river along. I spend a lot of time managing my internal torrents of thoughts and perceptions. Sometimes I write them down in a notebook or on a blog. When I was young I made sure to hide myself from the judgement of others but now I long to connect. I want to express myself honestly and more fully. I want the river of my thoughts to never pool at the head of a complacent dam.

Living in the moment:Some thoughts

To me living in the moment is very difficult. I am constantly interjecting stimulus into an otherwise quiet moment. I turn on the TV before I get my coffee. I turn on podcats, music or audiobooks when I walk, work and drive. I watch youtube on my lunch and play games while I use the bathroom. But in those moments when I am not injecting entertainment I try to remember that the present moment is real and it might actually matter.

Remembering the moment means slowing down and trying to understand the thoughts that arise. It means not planning the next words to speak, tasks to complete or previous experiences. It means listening to the environment and reacting without pretense or script. This is very difficult when most of my activities are habitual and have become automatic.

One thing I try to do is recognize the moment and reset my thougts. Breathing and listening seem to be good ways to do this. Asking myself, "how do I feel right now" or "am I sad, why am I sad?" Or asking questions about my environment and the people around me. "Who is this person, what are they trying to say, and how do they feel?" By trying to see things from another's perspective you can take yourself out of the tendency to be self conscious and unempathetic. 

A New Lifestyle: How I lost 45 lbs and kept it off.

Sign up to get notified when I post a new blog and other updates!

I changed how I think about myself. I lost 45 lbs in about a year. I try not to eat for relief from boredom. I eat when I'm hungry and I know better what that feels like. I try to never eat fast food. I make salads most nights and pair it with fish, chicken, potato salad or something decent. I almost never eat candy and I never drink soda except maybe a mountain dew or sprite on a very rare occasion.  I barely ever drink beer or liquor. This article is about how I lost the weight but more importantly, it explains why. 

Motivation:

Prior to my weight loss, I lived in a state of perpetual hedonism. I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted and I spent my time doing what felt good because in my mind I was going to die anyway, so why not. I felt like life was short and I had a pessimistic look at my own abilities and future. My confidence and self-esteem were shrouded in confusion, regret, avoidance, and denial. I felt pointless but as long as I engaged in freedom of consumption I could get by and what's wrong with that? 

A couple of years ago I started listening to some very powerful people, two of which I would like to credit for shaping my thinking in a positive way. Joe Rogan and Stefan Molyneux. Both of these men speak about taking responsibility for your actions, taking control of your life, making a difference in the world, morality, relationships, and both men have a passion for what they are doing. They provided a wonderful model for what being a man could be like and I have been woefully void of great male role models in my life. These men helped me gain a sense of power and challenged my thinking in a fundamental way. And I am still learning from these men and men like them today. 

Stefan Molyneux, in particular, helped me challenge the value of my relationships and the truth of my past. I feel like I woke up one day and realized that I didn't know myself or my history very well and this ignorance had led me to a life I didn't want or deserve. After examining my family and childhood I saw the life I led and began to stop accepting my fate. I started holding my parents responsible for the decisions they made and the neglect and abuse they allowed in my life. I started to see that I wasn't the one who deserved to suffer but I deserved to flourish in all that life can offer. I was worth the effort my parents neglected to make so now I had to make the effort for myself. Once I started to hold them responsible for their actions I started to accept responsibility for my own actions. What is true for them is true for me. So I took responsibility. 

The Plan:

About a year or two into taking personal responsibility I decided to make a change in my habits. I decided that I would try to read more and work toward being healthier. I was planning on a trip to New York with my long-term girlfriend and my plan was to enjoy the trip and when I get back it would be the start of making real change. I didn't have any specific goals but I knew that I wanted to start a new lifestyle. 

I started looking into dieting and exercise. I decided that I would stop eating fast food and replaced it with nightly salads and low-calorie microwave lunches. I stopped eating candy and chocolates, bread and sugary drinks.

Also, I decided to do exercises that were easy to do every day and in my small apartment. I didn't try to go full bore into a specific program but instead started very slowly with body weight exercises. I made sure to do push-ups, sit-ups/crunches, and pull-ups every day. Making sure to push myself without getting frustrated. 

Also, I decided to make a monetary commitment by buying a nice hybrid bicycle. This investment in my health prompted me to continue my efforts. If I spent money on it I would feel worse by having it go to waste. Later, I decided to try kettlebells after hearing the versatility and effectiveness they might offer. I got a 15 lb kettlebell and followed a workout video a few times a week.

I grew into these activities slowly and saw results very quickly. I started to see noticeable results within a few months and I felt better mentally. My self-esteem and confidence grew as my body started to shrink. I thought I would be good if I got to about 150 lbs which is what I weighed in high school but when I got to 140 after about 9 months I realized that I was a different person than when I started out. I enjoyed eating well and exercising. I became stronger and more attractive. I had done something difficult and knew that I had made a permanent change in my psychology. Many people talk about making a change or getting in shape and I actually did it. 

2 Years Later:

It has been almost 2 years since this transformation of lifestyle and I am more passionate about it than ever. I maintain a healthy diet and exercise almost every day. I am continuously looking for better dieting behaviors and exercise options that work for me and my goals. I am learning about the slow carb. diet outlined by Tim Ferris in his book "The Four Hour Body." I have maintained my current weight of about 140 lbs. and just want to lean up a bit. I am still the same person I was before but I am more mindful and optimistic. I am not a gym rat and I don't exercise to the point of exhaustion but I work on it every day and take responsibility for my actions.

Feelings About Death

I found out that someone died. I felt the sudden certainty of death. I felt like I should stay up and live. I felt sadness for the dead and for the living who feel the consequences. I saw the void that death leaves. It helped me feel mortal. One day I will be dead and soon others I know will die. This death may be the first significant death I have felt. I felt depressed like a suddenly deflated balloon. It put into perspective the importance of the present and the time that I have now.