Worthless Meat-Sac

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I suppose most of my life I've been a little depressed. Not enough to warrant any one's attention. Just enough to dwindle away any remaining hope, pride or confidence from a once playful child. A once hopeful squirt.

Along the way and at no time, in particular, the lust for life and all it could offer subsided. Reality set in hard and with little push back from myself and for Reality, it was easy to interject a little taste of spiteful consequence into an already uncertain world. 

Ahead, I only saw chaos and unpredictability. All I saw was my own failure, greed and no one to make proud, least of all myself. Who am I to demand such things of myself? Am I not just another human, doomed to a life on this earthly hell? With torments within and torments abroad.

The world, seeking to destroy you throws death and confusion at you. So you accept your fate. I told myself I was just another in a long line of worthless humans. No more important than the distant stars,  a speck of dust on the planet. With no God and no one to impress and no chance for greatness, why even try?

In the background of my mind negativity was always there, demanding more and expecting less. Never enough and never to anywhere. I thrived amidst the opportunities afforded. Blessed and cursed by the world's prescribed options. Adrift and ashamed. 

I am still ashamed of my lack of fortitude and passion. I am still ashamed when I find myself following someone undeserving of my loyalty. But it is not the case that I am just a cog and it is not the case that I have no choices. I have consequences to conjure and futures to inspire.

It is the case that I can accept my frailties and work toward improving the best aspects of myself. To take on tasks that improve my attitude, my mood and that create confidence. The ones that help me appreciate life and find joy. Activities and indulgences that I can take pride in even if I'm not always willing to divulge them to others.

There are positive and negative behavioral feedback loops that one engages in whether one is paying attention or not. If one is paying attention and wants the depression to lessen then it makes sense that one should engage in activities that promote positive psychological feedback.

A great book that I read that facilitated my acceptance of my current state and empowered my dedication to make my life better is called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. Another book I read that helped me rethink my relationships with others is called Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love by Stephan Molyneux. After reading these books I came away with actionable steps to take control over my life in a way that I didn't know was possible beforehand. I started to look at my life as something to be taken seriously as a limited resource that was worth investing in. For more on this topic read my blog about losing 45 lbs and why as well as other blogs about personal development.

Even after about five years of a concerted effort to no longer treat myself as a worthless meat-sac I still get depressed and still, my depression takes the form of a subtle, yet persistent pessimism, nihilism, and doubt. A voice inside my head that looks at my accomplishments, skills, and humanity and judges it all as a pointless endeavor unworthy of continuance. I stop writing, stop learning, stop appreciating myself and I start to doubt that I am worthy of any effort at all. Fortunately, as time goes by and I work at improving my self-esteem these bouts of depression are fewer and far between and I hope that in time positivity and enthusiasm will take on a more dominant role in my psychology.



Links:
https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397

https://www.amazon.com/Real-Time-Relationships-Logic-Stefan-Molyneux-ebook/dp/B004Z8S1TA

https://joesnotesblog.com/blog/2018/10/3/re-post-a-new-lifestyle-how-i-lost-45-lbs-and-kept-it-off

Don't Get Caught Up: A Retail Perspective

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Don't get caught up in other people's emotions. Customers and coworkers will often times act as if they are in the midst of an emergency when they are not. Or they will act childish or rude. Or they will act as if you are the only one who can help them. This is almost never an accurate depiction of their situation. They might be trying to manipulate you into giving them a price break or, worse, they simply have no control over their emotions. Having empathy and sympathy is helpful in understanding and communicating with customers but getting wrapped up in their emotional states means that you stop being in control of your own autonomy and you can unconsciously take on their emotions. If this happens you can find yourself anxious, angry, fearful, hyperactive or otherwise mirroring someone else's emotions unnecessarily. 

When you're in an emotional state that inhibits your ability to look at a situation rationally you will not be able to think around the problem and solve it. Many times there might be no immediate solution available and you end up wasting a lot of time attempting to calm someone down or explain something when you really need to move on in a way that is direct and professional. Sometimes it is important to restart the conversation by explaining what is happening in an effort to regain control of your own participation in the interaction. Being honest about what you think they are expecting or what you think you can do for them can help stop the momentum of an interaction in an effort to lead it back on track to finding a resolution. 

This reminds me of the leadership principle of detachment from the book "Extreme Ownership" by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin. The concept of detachment is very important in retail as you represent a company that's goal is to sell products and create loyalty; not to have emotionally driven conversations with people who aren't interested in buying products or who think that it is appropriate to spew their problems onto you because you're obligated to interact with them.

If you have self-respect and maintain a professional demeanor you will not allow situations with customers to get heated or derailed too far. If a customer or coworker becomes abusive or disrespectful then it is up to you to hold them accountable and let them know that you do not accept that kind of behavior. 

I remember a time when I had to stop a customer from yelling at me and assert myself in order to regain control of the situation. I was working at a movie theater and part-way through a screening the projector malfunctioned and the speakers started making a loud screeching sound, disturbing many of the customers. I was a manager at the time and as I started issuing apologies and raincheck tickets I had an older man start to scream at me about how the sound hurt his ears and how angry he was, which was obvious. I listened for a few moments and then had to respectfully but assertively explain to the customer that I would not be able to do anything for them unless they stopped yelling. I told them that I understood that they were upset but that I would not allow them to continue to berate me. My tone and demeanor must have communicated my seriousness as the man stopped screaming and I was able to issue them compensation. 

One of the best things one can do in a situation where others are being excessively emotional is to be calm and to listen. Allowing someone to vent for a moment can be instructive but at a certain point, you must reestablish your authority and explain what you will do next. As an employee of any business, you are in charge of dictating what will and won't, can and can't happen for someone that is having an issue. Sometimes, this means explaining that you are not the best person to help them, which is another reason to not let a conversation linger too long without interrupting. Upset customers become more upset if they find that they stood in the wrong line or ranted and raved to the wrong person. By listening and remaining calm you can get straight to the matter and come up with a solution. 

It is also important to explain the process that you are using to solve a problem. If you come up with an idea to solve a problem you should not just enact the solution without letting the customer know. By explaining step by step what you are about to do or what you think will help you allow the customer to join you in the pursuit and show that you are on their side. Leaving them in silence or without knowing what you are doing creates confusion and may lead to them thinking that you have abandoned them. If they think this or think that you are incompetent then they will look somewhere else and usually with more fuel for their anger. 

All of this does not mean you should not have fun conversations with customers and coworkers, but even when you are generating rapport you should be able to detach and get a sense of whether you need to complete the sale or if you have time to continue the conversation or if you need to address something else. There might be something going on that requires your assistance. You may be able to simply tell a nearby customer where a product can be found. Taking a few seconds to check out your environment can help you stay detached and make you able to react to new situations.

Stay calm and pay attention. This is not easy and it takes a certain amount of discipline and control to maintain. It requires observing yourself in the moment and recognizing what is happening, both inside yourself and in the environment around you. It also means looking back at your decisions with criticism and objectivity. There are times when I have failed to maintain my composure or made a bad decision and it is in those times that I look back and try to prepare for the future. By accepting failures, owning them and looking to others for guidance I have grown better at dealing with the ups and downs of life, in and out of the retail environment. 

Book Review: The Dichotomy of Leadership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

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This book is the perfect accompaniment to the author's previous release "Extreme Ownership".  In "Extreme Ownership" Jocko Willink and Leif Babin make the case that for leaders to succeed they must take responsibility for everything in their world and while that is an extremely important and difficult lesson to learn, there was more to the story. That is where their new book, "The Dichotomy of Leadership", comes in. In "The Dichotomy of Leadership" the authors dissect real-world situations, both in the military and in business, that illuminate the balancing act that all leaders face. When a leader starts to slide too far to one end of the seesaw they risk falling off the ride. This book is for those that want to continue the fight and lead their teams toward victory. 

Like "Extreme Ownership", this book is broken into chapters, each with three sections: military examples, principles to take away and a real-world example of the lesson from the business world. Each chapter focuses on two opposing forces and breaks down the importance of each side. Then, it illuminates strategies for finding a balance between them. For example, the first chapter is about balancing the need to care about each team member while understanding that each team member is at risk of being killed, in the military case, or being replaced, in the business case. In this chapter, the reader learns that, while a team leader must be connected to their team members they cannot lose sight of the overall goal and mission that they are tasked to accomplish. A leader cannot be so close to someone that they neglect to hold them accountable and they can't be so detached that they engender no loyalty or respect. 

Another example I really enjoyed was in chapter two entitled: "Own it all, but empower others". In this chapter, we get more insight into the lessons that were discussed in "Extreme Ownership". The dichotomy of taking ownership of one's own responsibilities must be balanced with the ability to allow others to take ownership or their responsibilities. If a leader only holds him or herself accountable then they are doing their team a disservice by not creating a leadership mentality among the entire team. On the other hand, if a leader blames their team for every mistake then they are separating themselves from the team and not taking responsibility for their role the team's development.

As one continues to read they learn more and more about different opposing forces and how a leader can successfully identify when they are neglecting one aspect over the other. Each chapter empowers leaders with entertaining and instructional lessons, plucked from the real world, with strategies and tactics to correct the many imbalances that can occur. In chapter nine, A Leader and a Follower, we learn the power of humility and it is only with humility that one can look at one's self honestly and attempt to improve. This book is for those that have the humility to not take their own abilities for granted. By detaching from one's ego one can begin to see things more clearly and this book offers great insights into the many internal and external perils that leaders face.   

While this book can be read without having read its predecessor I think that they are really just extensions of each other. Both "Extreme Ownership" and "The Dichotomy of Leadership" contain the fundamental strategies, concepts, and philosophy that underly all successful leaders. One can choose to lead from a place of authority and may get compliance or one can lead from a place of friendship and they may get loyalty but for a leader to gain all the benefits that come from gaining the respect of their team one must learn to be balanced. A leader that does not take into account the dichotomies inherent in dealing with complex social interactions is bound to fall flat on their face, leaving their team directionless. Do not be that kind of leader. 

For my review on "Extreme Ownership" click here.

Smiling: A Retail Perspective

This is not attractive

This is me relaxed

I suffer from permanent bitch face. I look serious and mildly annoyed when my face is at rest. A few weeks ago I decided to make a conscious effort to smile more while at work. I never liked the idea of smiling for other people. The idea of pretending for the sake of other's comfort always seemed inauthentic and dishonest. I just told myself that I'm not a "bubbly" kind of person. I provide good customer service through expertise, not emotional positivity.


I decided to try an experiment though, not for others' sake, but for my own sake. To utilize smiling as a tool and the goal was to provide better customer service, attract people instead of repelling them, and to see what kind of effects a simple smile might produce. The effects were immediate.

The first step was to practice smiling in the mirror and when no one was around. I tried to think of something funny or pretending that I just heard a joke. This technique works very well. Instead of just looking like I'm squinting or grimacing or trying too hard. By smiling with the eyes and just a little bit of an upward grin creates a subtle and convincing smile.

After beginning to employ this new tool I found immediate results. It doesn't seem like it should be surprising but I was genuinely surprised that when I was smiling and someone looked at me it seemed that most people couldn't help but smile back. If I added a bit of eyebrow raise they couldn't help but engage with me as I approached them asking if they needed any help.

My interactions started off positive instead of neutral or dismissive. Even if someone wasn't particularly excited to interact they usually would put on a quick fake smile and politely say no thanks. There are still those that do not care much about interacting regardless of a positive face but the vast majority of people respond in a positive way to someone smiling and looking happy to help.

The second thing I noticed was more subtle but undeniable. The words that came out of my mouth while I was smiling sounded happier and more enthusiastic. When I don't smile and simply ask someone if they need anything it just sounds like an unemotional statement but when I smiled the words took on a more upbeat tone and I think a slightly higher pitch. I think that this comes across less threatening and more approachable. This effect even works over the phone. Smiling while talking changes the inflection to a more positive expression.

This looks genuine and positive

Another positive effect is that the more I smile the more I become emotionally more positive. I have heard of this effect from somewhere before so it might be an expectation bias but it certainly seems to be true. Smiling on purpose and more often seems to have a feedback to the brain convincing it that things are better off making you genuinely happier. This makes sense in that when you do things that add to your sociability you attract more positivity and engage in better interactions with others. This is highly desirable for social creatures that depend on others for success and our biology seems to reinforce this behavior.

Another positive effect of smiling is creating a bit of positive attention from females. When I smile at females many of them smile back which reinforces confidence in my ability to interact with attractive women. I come across as more approachable and confident with women and because I sound more friendly the interactions are more personal.

Also, when employing a smile it seems easier to add jokes or personal stories as the entire interaction is more friendly. If the customer responds well to the smile then it allows them to be more personal and tell me what they need as well.

Too much and it looks sarcastic

After about a week of practicing this technique at work, I started to find myself smiling when I wasn't at work and I found that the same results took place. When I would just walk around a store smiling people would smile back. I think when a person gives eye contact with a smile it comes across as both confident and attractive. People wonder what you might be like or why you are happy. Positive people want to be around positive people and negative people secretly want to be positive so you represent a kind of ideal when you smile and display confidence with eye contact.


What I have learned after doing this is that you don't want to smile too much which is also true of eye contact. Too much smiling, especially if the topic turns serious comes across as disconnected or unempathetic. The same is true if the topic turns fun. If you don't smile when someone says something they think is funny you can come across as unemotional, dismissive and unempathetic.

This is not a cure-all for customer service interactions. Some customers do not care at all that you are happy and I imagine that some of them are annoyed that you are happy as they are not. Body language is a very powerful communication device and understanding the effects of different behaviors helps one get the results one wants from social interactions.

I am reminded now of a Ted Talk about body language about not being your authentic self (below). When your job is to interact with others coming across as unapproachable will not lead to positive results so consciously altering your body language might not be completely authentic but it is a form of self-control that can help you better get along with others and get better results in life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zpf8H_Dd40

Book Review: Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

If humanity is a team then it is on all of us to become better leaders. 

Extreme Ownership is a non-fiction book written by ex-Navy Seal operators Jocko Willink and Leif Babin that both educates and entertains. In each chapter, the writers describe real accounts of their military experiences highlighting key aspects of leadership principles, then they lay out the principles involved in a more abstract way and then illustrate the application of the principles to the business world using real-life examples from their work with high-level leaders in the corporate world. Each chapter highlights a specific leadership trait or strategy such as extreme ownership, decentralized command, cover and move, check the ego, leading up and down the chain of command and much more. 

One of my favorite aspects of the book is its accessibility. This book is the opposite of pretentious as it doesn't attempt to show off with inaccessible vocabulary, self-righteous preaching, or overly complex explanations. Both Jocko and Leif write in a similarly straightforward but not dumbed down style. Even though the sections note which author wrote which it was easy to go from section to section even as the authors change. 

I would say the only negative thing I have to say about the book is that sometimes the chapters would go on a little longer than I needed to understand the point of the section. I am sure that having additional examples and further explanation would be helpful for some but a few times I thought to myself, "I get it already." This didn't take away from the overall experience and even when this occurred soon enough a new section would start and the redundancy was over. 

I am very impressed with the writers' ability to apply military leadership strategies to the business world. As I have been in a few leadership positions at the ground level for a couple of large corporations and as I enjoy learning about military history, culture and tactics, I found both the military stories and the corporate business lessons equally compelling. 

The military stories are very detailed offering an in-depth perspective on the realities of our most recent war in the middle east. Most stories focus primarily on the action of front-line soldiers but the stories in this book focus more on what the leaders deal with as well as the effects it has on everyone up and down the hierarchy. I really appreciated the level of interpersonal communication and respect that is portrayed in these sections. 

The corporate lessons were engaging in a different way. They also offered an insight into a world that most will never be a part of and that many think of negatively but the book shows the humanity that exists in these elite organizations. High-level corporate managers are people that have to make very difficult decisions and they don't always know what to do or how to do it. I am inspired by the simple yet difficult solutions that arose from corporate leaders applying the principles outlined in this book. 

Extreme Ownership builds on the idea that to be a great leader you must start with the war inside yourself. It challenges you to take a hard look in the mirror to discover who you really are and what you could be. Once you can take responsibility for yourself and the effect you have on others then you can start to become a great leader. 

Leadership is a heavy burden and should be taken seriously and this book offers a no-bullshit guide that is entertaining, inspiring and practical. I recommend it to anyone interested in personal development as well as those taking on leadership roles. The principles and strategies outlined in this book can help leaders break through the fog of uncertainty to produce tangible results. If humanity is a team then it is on all of us to become better leaders. 

How and Why I Quit Biting My Nails

I know what everyone's been wondering. And I mean everyone. They've been wondering about my fingernails. They look normal now which is saying a lot considering a year ago they were horrifying. They looked like the mutilated remnants of a carnivorous beast. They were as scarred as the creature tormenting them and creating in them a physical manifestation of what happens to the soul when repressed emotions, self-doubt and anxiety rule the mind.

I started biting my nails when I was very young. I know this because I can remember biting them when I still lived in California. We moved from California to Oregon when I was 6 so I was definitely under that age. If I were to guess I think I was more like 3 years old. Even as the memory is fading with time it remains one of my most vivid early memories.

One night my parents were fighting and screaming at each other. I was in a room, possibly all alone, and I remember a soft blue light coming through a window near me. I was worried and I imagined my father throwing my mom through the window and her falling to her death. This was all in my imagination but the fear was real and I can remember biting my nails then.

Since then biting my fingernails became a constant part of my life. It got to the point that they never really bled or hurt anymore even when they got so low the nail was just a sliver. I would nibble at them constantly and when I wasn't nibbling I was scanning them for imperfections and edges to later devour. Sometimes I would notice myself doing this and others would tell me I was doing it. The sound of it was nauseating to some and frustrating to others.

The look of my nails was concerning to most but to me, my nails were just a product of a deeply ingrained compulsion. One that I would most likely never stop engaging in. I am 32 now and for at least 25 of those years biting my nails had been an automated behavior. I was ashamed of my lack of self-control, of repressing the roots of my anxiety and feeling helpless to change.

But things do change. A couple of years ago I decided to take care of myself and stop punishing myself for not living up to an ideal I hadn't defined yet. I never felt good enough and I'm sure I didn't feel safe for a lot of my life but I began to ask myself questions to better understand who I want to be and where I'm from. How much of my current situation is my fault? I decided I would start to test myself as if I could achieve something good for myself and maybe help others too.

I started to look at the virtues and principles that I was actually living by and asking myself what virtues and principles do I want to live by? How do I act in accordance with my ideals and not let excuses and history drag me down? How do I live with meaning, purpose, and love and not with guilt, anxiety, regret, and resentment?

People who care about their future protect it by how they act today. So I decided I would lose weight. Not to look better but in order to be stronger, more disciplined and live longer. Looking better is a nice bonus and a long life will be hell without the muscles to keep you going. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months and after a while maintaining my weight was less of a challenge and I decided I needed a new self-esteem boosting challenge. A few months into 2016 I decided to tackle a big one.

Instead of attempting to quit my nasty nail biting habit overnight I simply gave myself until the end of the year. I wasn't going to give myself a hard time if I bit my nails because the goal was to be mindful of my commitment​ to quit and work on paying attention to my actions. A couple weeks in and I was already biting my nails less and the more I notice myself noticing myself biting my nails the more I noticed myself biting my nails and I could stop more and more.

I've made it well past 2016 and I've nearly completely stopped biting my nails. Every once in a while I nibble a bit and I still constantly monitor the tips of my fingers but I think I'm doing well. I've had to learn how to clip and file them which has been interesting because it always seemed like a solely feminine thing to do. Now I see it as another tool for maintaining my commitment to not biting my nails.

I believe that it's good for the brain to engage in novel tasks and new challenges and I also think living according to one's values strengthens self esteem. Taking freedom and personal responsibility seriously takes self awareness, curiosity and effort.

A New Lifestyle: How I lost 45 lbs and kept it off.

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I changed how I think about myself. I lost 45 lbs in about a year. I try not to eat for relief from boredom. I eat when I'm hungry and I know better what that feels like. I try to never eat fast food. I make salads most nights and pair it with fish, chicken, potato salad or something decent. I almost never eat candy and I never drink soda except maybe a mountain dew or sprite on a very rare occasion.  I barely ever drink beer or liquor. This article is about how I lost the weight but more importantly, it explains why. 

Motivation:

Prior to my weight loss, I lived in a state of perpetual hedonism. I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted and I spent my time doing what felt good because in my mind I was going to die anyway, so why not. I felt like life was short and I had a pessimistic look at my own abilities and future. My confidence and self-esteem were shrouded in confusion, regret, avoidance, and denial. I felt pointless but as long as I engaged in freedom of consumption I could get by and what's wrong with that? 

A couple of years ago I started listening to some very powerful people, two of which I would like to credit for shaping my thinking in a positive way. Joe Rogan and Stefan Molyneux. Both of these men speak about taking responsibility for your actions, taking control of your life, making a difference in the world, morality, relationships, and both men have a passion for what they are doing. They provided a wonderful model for what being a man could be like and I have been woefully void of great male role models in my life. These men helped me gain a sense of power and challenged my thinking in a fundamental way. And I am still learning from these men and men like them today. 

Stefan Molyneux, in particular, helped me challenge the value of my relationships and the truth of my past. I feel like I woke up one day and realized that I didn't know myself or my history very well and this ignorance had led me to a life I didn't want or deserve. After examining my family and childhood I saw the life I led and began to stop accepting my fate. I started holding my parents responsible for the decisions they made and the neglect and abuse they allowed in my life. I started to see that I wasn't the one who deserved to suffer but I deserved to flourish in all that life can offer. I was worth the effort my parents neglected to make so now I had to make the effort for myself. Once I started to hold them responsible for their actions I started to accept responsibility for my own actions. What is true for them is true for me. So I took responsibility. 

The Plan:

About a year or two into taking personal responsibility I decided to make a change in my habits. I decided that I would try to read more and work toward being healthier. I was planning on a trip to New York with my long-term girlfriend and my plan was to enjoy the trip and when I get back it would be the start of making real change. I didn't have any specific goals but I knew that I wanted to start a new lifestyle. 

I started looking into dieting and exercise. I decided that I would stop eating fast food and replaced it with nightly salads and low-calorie microwave lunches. I stopped eating candy and chocolates, bread and sugary drinks.

Also, I decided to do exercises that were easy to do every day and in my small apartment. I didn't try to go full bore into a specific program but instead started very slowly with body weight exercises. I made sure to do push-ups, sit-ups/crunches, and pull-ups every day. Making sure to push myself without getting frustrated. 

Also, I decided to make a monetary commitment by buying a nice hybrid bicycle. This investment in my health prompted me to continue my efforts. If I spent money on it I would feel worse by having it go to waste. Later, I decided to try kettlebells after hearing the versatility and effectiveness they might offer. I got a 15 lb kettlebell and followed a workout video a few times a week.

I grew into these activities slowly and saw results very quickly. I started to see noticeable results within a few months and I felt better mentally. My self-esteem and confidence grew as my body started to shrink. I thought I would be good if I got to about 150 lbs which is what I weighed in high school but when I got to 140 after about 9 months I realized that I was a different person than when I started out. I enjoyed eating well and exercising. I became stronger and more attractive. I had done something difficult and knew that I had made a permanent change in my psychology. Many people talk about making a change or getting in shape and I actually did it. 

2 Years Later:

It has been almost 2 years since this transformation of lifestyle and I am more passionate about it than ever. I maintain a healthy diet and exercise almost every day. I am continuously looking for better dieting behaviors and exercise options that work for me and my goals. I am learning about the slow carb. diet outlined by Tim Ferris in his book "The Four Hour Body." I have maintained my current weight of about 140 lbs. and just want to lean up a bit. I am still the same person I was before but I am more mindful and optimistic. I am not a gym rat and I don't exercise to the point of exhaustion but I work on it every day and take responsibility for my actions.