Book Review: The Dichotomy of Leadership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

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This book is the perfect accompaniment to the author's previous release "Extreme Ownership".  In "Extreme Ownership" Jocko Willink and Leif Babin make the case that for leaders to succeed they must take responsibility for everything in their world and while that is an extremely important and difficult lesson to learn, there was more to the story. That is where their new book, "The Dichotomy of Leadership", comes in. In "The Dichotomy of Leadership" the authors dissect real-world situations, both in the military and in business, that illuminate the balancing act that all leaders face. When a leader starts to slide too far to one end of the seesaw they risk falling off the ride. This book is for those that want to continue the fight and lead their teams toward victory. 

Like "Extreme Ownership", this book is broken into chapters, each with three sections: military examples, principles to take away and a real-world example of the lesson from the business world. Each chapter focuses on two opposing forces and breaks down the importance of each side. Then, it illuminates strategies for finding a balance between them. For example, the first chapter is about balancing the need to care about each team member while understanding that each team member is at risk of being killed, in the military case, or being replaced, in the business case. In this chapter, the reader learns that, while a team leader must be connected to their team members they cannot lose sight of the overall goal and mission that they are tasked to accomplish. A leader cannot be so close to someone that they neglect to hold them accountable and they can't be so detached that they engender no loyalty or respect. 

Another example I really enjoyed was in chapter two entitled: "Own it all, but empower others". In this chapter, we get more insight into the lessons that were discussed in "Extreme Ownership". The dichotomy of taking ownership of one's own responsibilities must be balanced with the ability to allow others to take ownership or their responsibilities. If a leader only holds him or herself accountable then they are doing their team a disservice by not creating a leadership mentality among the entire team. On the other hand, if a leader blames their team for every mistake then they are separating themselves from the team and not taking responsibility for their role the team's development.

As one continues to read they learn more and more about different opposing forces and how a leader can successfully identify when they are neglecting one aspect over the other. Each chapter empowers leaders with entertaining and instructional lessons, plucked from the real world, with strategies and tactics to correct the many imbalances that can occur. In chapter nine, A Leader and a Follower, we learn the power of humility and it is only with humility that one can look at one's self honestly and attempt to improve. This book is for those that have the humility to not take their own abilities for granted. By detaching from one's ego one can begin to see things more clearly and this book offers great insights into the many internal and external perils that leaders face.   

While this book can be read without having read its predecessor I think that they are really just extensions of each other. Both "Extreme Ownership" and "The Dichotomy of Leadership" contain the fundamental strategies, concepts, and philosophy that underly all successful leaders. One can choose to lead from a place of authority and may get compliance or one can lead from a place of friendship and they may get loyalty but for a leader to gain all the benefits that come from gaining the respect of their team one must learn to be balanced. A leader that does not take into account the dichotomies inherent in dealing with complex social interactions is bound to fall flat on their face, leaving their team directionless. Do not be that kind of leader. 

For my review on "Extreme Ownership" click here.

Book Review: Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

If humanity is a team then it is on all of us to become better leaders. 

Extreme Ownership is a non-fiction book written by ex-Navy Seal operators Jocko Willink and Leif Babin that both educates and entertains. In each chapter, the writers describe real accounts of their military experiences highlighting key aspects of leadership principles, then they lay out the principles involved in a more abstract way and then illustrate the application of the principles to the business world using real-life examples from their work with high-level leaders in the corporate world. Each chapter highlights a specific leadership trait or strategy such as extreme ownership, decentralized command, cover and move, check the ego, leading up and down the chain of command and much more. 

One of my favorite aspects of the book is its accessibility. This book is the opposite of pretentious as it doesn't attempt to show off with inaccessible vocabulary, self-righteous preaching, or overly complex explanations. Both Jocko and Leif write in a similarly straightforward but not dumbed down style. Even though the sections note which author wrote which it was easy to go from section to section even as the authors change. 

I would say the only negative thing I have to say about the book is that sometimes the chapters would go on a little longer than I needed to understand the point of the section. I am sure that having additional examples and further explanation would be helpful for some but a few times I thought to myself, "I get it already." This didn't take away from the overall experience and even when this occurred soon enough a new section would start and the redundancy was over. 

I am very impressed with the writers' ability to apply military leadership strategies to the business world. As I have been in a few leadership positions at the ground level for a couple of large corporations and as I enjoy learning about military history, culture and tactics, I found both the military stories and the corporate business lessons equally compelling. 

The military stories are very detailed offering an in-depth perspective on the realities of our most recent war in the middle east. Most stories focus primarily on the action of front-line soldiers but the stories in this book focus more on what the leaders deal with as well as the effects it has on everyone up and down the hierarchy. I really appreciated the level of interpersonal communication and respect that is portrayed in these sections. 

The corporate lessons were engaging in a different way. They also offered an insight into a world that most will never be a part of and that many think of negatively but the book shows the humanity that exists in these elite organizations. High-level corporate managers are people that have to make very difficult decisions and they don't always know what to do or how to do it. I am inspired by the simple yet difficult solutions that arose from corporate leaders applying the principles outlined in this book. 

Extreme Ownership builds on the idea that to be a great leader you must start with the war inside yourself. It challenges you to take a hard look in the mirror to discover who you really are and what you could be. Once you can take responsibility for yourself and the effect you have on others then you can start to become a great leader. 

Leadership is a heavy burden and should be taken seriously and this book offers a no-bullshit guide that is entertaining, inspiring and practical. I recommend it to anyone interested in personal development as well as those taking on leadership roles. The principles and strategies outlined in this book can help leaders break through the fog of uncertainty to produce tangible results. If humanity is a team then it is on all of us to become better leaders. 

On Getting Older and Living Up To Values

Something no one told me about when I was growing up was that as you get older you start to identify and develop your values. Then, as you are doing this, you also start to look at yourself and if you are critical you realize that developing your values is complicated and that living up to your own values is very difficult. So difficult that you find that you are forever in a loop of evaluating your actions, determining how shitty you are compared to the way you want to be. Then you either try to adjust your value system to justify your actions or you demean yourself for being too weak to live up to your own values.

Then you realize that your self-esteem is directly related to your ability to live up to your own values which means that it is now your responsibility to develop your own self-esteem. Now that you can't blame others (your parents) for how you feel about yourself you have to look at your own actions and begin to do the things that will make you feel that you are living up to your own values. This requires taking a hard look at the morals and virtues that you determine to have value and will make you the kind of "hero of your own story," as Joe Rogan might put it.

So, you look at your health, because you want to be the kind of person that looks like they care about themselves and maybe even the kind of person that is attractive to others. You start to exercise and eat better food and you find that in a few months you are actually doing a thing that makes you less depressed, less resentful and you stop thinking so much about the past and start looking at the future as something that might matter and that you might matter but then you look at your job. Your job is shit and working for those corporate robots makes you feel like you are wasting your life and contributing nothing to the world.

You decide to write more, make Youtube videos, and learn new skills. You take up hobbies and spend time maintaining friendships with people because you want to be the kind of person that has deep relationships with people you respect. Then you decide to have hard conversations with your parents which only goes to prove that they don't know more than you and will never provide the kind of leadership and guidance that you needed and still need so you come to realize that only you are in charge of yourself and that's it and that you are kind of alone. This puts all the responsibility on yourself to make your life the best it can be but since that is subjective and complicated you just continue to work and do things that increase your self-esteem by convincing yourself that you are capable of accomplishing difficult and somewhat meaningful things because you want to be the kind of person who others look at and see what you have done difficult and meaningful things.

All the while a nagging doubt, pessimism, and hauntingly nihilistic voice speaks up saying "you're just going to die in the end, it doesn't matter and you are worthless". Then you do as many pushups you can do or you smoke a cigarette or you get a little drunk but in the back of your negative mind you still want to live up to your values and you know that if you feel like shit it is your fault. There are things you can do to not feel like a shitty person so if you feel like shit it is because you want to feel like shit and you would only want to feel like shit if you think that is what you are but you don't think that. Someone else does. Someone in your life made you feel that deep down you are a worthless piece of shit and although it haunts you you know that it's not true.

Because you want to be the kind of person who doesn't believe the negativity implied by a childhood of neglect and abuse. You want to be the kind of person who overcomes negativity and does something worthwhile in the world even if you only accomplish convincing yourself that you are worthwhile. So you keep learning new skills, doing things that are difficult like taking responsibility, working and creating value in the world. You try to live up to the virtues you hold paramount. You try to live how you would want everyone else to live. You want to have integrity, bravery, and strength. You want to be unrelentingly honest with yourself and practically honest with others. You want to be wise and patient. You want to be humble but confident. You want to be the kind of person that others look to for guidance and leadership. You want to be better than your parents. Better than others. Better than yourself.

Sometimes you get confused and forget who you want to be and you are just yourself. At those times you just act and others get to see the true you and you get to forget yourself and who you want to be. You stop criticizing and stop thinking and stop pretending. You stop faking it and just make it. You just are. And then you realize you just told someone to stop being a pussy ass little bitch and you go back to realizing that you don't know shit and your kind-of a terrible person.

I think as I get older the time it takes to get over mistakes grows shorter and the total number and severity of the mistakes tend to go down with a few monumental exceptions.

I hope that I pick the right values and I hope I am strong enough to live up to them.

How and Why I Quit Biting My Nails

I know what everyone's been wondering. And I mean everyone. They've been wondering about my fingernails. They look normal now which is saying a lot considering a year ago they were horrifying. They looked like the mutilated remnants of a carnivorous beast. They were as scarred as the creature tormenting them and creating in them a physical manifestation of what happens to the soul when repressed emotions, self-doubt and anxiety rule the mind.

I started biting my nails when I was very young. I know this because I can remember biting them when I still lived in California. We moved from California to Oregon when I was 6 so I was definitely under that age. If I were to guess I think I was more like 3 years old. Even as the memory is fading with time it remains one of my most vivid early memories.

One night my parents were fighting and screaming at each other. I was in a room, possibly all alone, and I remember a soft blue light coming through a window near me. I was worried and I imagined my father throwing my mom through the window and her falling to her death. This was all in my imagination but the fear was real and I can remember biting my nails then.

Since then biting my fingernails became a constant part of my life. It got to the point that they never really bled or hurt anymore even when they got so low the nail was just a sliver. I would nibble at them constantly and when I wasn't nibbling I was scanning them for imperfections and edges to later devour. Sometimes I would notice myself doing this and others would tell me I was doing it. The sound of it was nauseating to some and frustrating to others.

The look of my nails was concerning to most but to me, my nails were just a product of a deeply ingrained compulsion. One that I would most likely never stop engaging in. I am 32 now and for at least 25 of those years biting my nails had been an automated behavior. I was ashamed of my lack of self-control, of repressing the roots of my anxiety and feeling helpless to change.

But things do change. A couple of years ago I decided to take care of myself and stop punishing myself for not living up to an ideal I hadn't defined yet. I never felt good enough and I'm sure I didn't feel safe for a lot of my life but I began to ask myself questions to better understand who I want to be and where I'm from. How much of my current situation is my fault? I decided I would start to test myself as if I could achieve something good for myself and maybe help others too.

I started to look at the virtues and principles that I was actually living by and asking myself what virtues and principles do I want to live by? How do I act in accordance with my ideals and not let excuses and history drag me down? How do I live with meaning, purpose, and love and not with guilt, anxiety, regret, and resentment?

People who care about their future protect it by how they act today. So I decided I would lose weight. Not to look better but in order to be stronger, more disciplined and live longer. Looking better is a nice bonus and a long life will be hell without the muscles to keep you going. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months and after a while maintaining my weight was less of a challenge and I decided I needed a new self-esteem boosting challenge. A few months into 2016 I decided to tackle a big one.

Instead of attempting to quit my nasty nail biting habit overnight I simply gave myself until the end of the year. I wasn't going to give myself a hard time if I bit my nails because the goal was to be mindful of my commitment​ to quit and work on paying attention to my actions. A couple weeks in and I was already biting my nails less and the more I notice myself noticing myself biting my nails the more I noticed myself biting my nails and I could stop more and more.

I've made it well past 2016 and I've nearly completely stopped biting my nails. Every once in a while I nibble a bit and I still constantly monitor the tips of my fingers but I think I'm doing well. I've had to learn how to clip and file them which has been interesting because it always seemed like a solely feminine thing to do. Now I see it as another tool for maintaining my commitment to not biting my nails.

I believe that it's good for the brain to engage in novel tasks and new challenges and I also think living according to one's values strengthens self esteem. Taking freedom and personal responsibility seriously takes self awareness, curiosity and effort.

On the Instability of the Modern World

Long ago, when parents knew what the future held, they tought their children how to live. They understood the seasons, how to hunt and farm, where to find water and they knew how men came to have wives. The circle of life was hard yet predictable.

Then came the rise of cities and specialization. Everyone stopped doing everything and now people only did certain things and others did the rest. Parents knew less about what to teach their children and with time their children had less in common with their parents.

As time went on the changing tide grew more and more rapidly and no one knew what to expect or what to teach. People had less in common with each other at every level. Specialization dividing every unit of knowledge until information itself became unstable and with the future in flux the masses seek the old ways.

Anything to join a group with a cause. Teaching anything that seems to point to a future more stable than the present. Clinging to those that sell timeless truths knowing that time is plunging forward into the unknown. As humanity seizes forward the old have less to offer the young and the young split apart into islands of self indulgence and discovery.

With rapid change comes instability but the roots of morality ground our actions and guide our future even in the midst of the unknown. With ruthless self reflection and unwavering personal responsibility one can make a difference. This does not change the past or even those around you and may have no effect on the world, but it matters to the individual that looks at life and wonders what it all means.

It is no wonder that the youth feel like pioneers and the old feel angst as the young replace them. It is no wonder that the old have failed to prepare the young for a world they can't predict and never saw coming. Holding on to the past only helps if it acknowledges the truth of the changing of the world and accepts the limits of our knowledge. Those truths that ground morality must remain while the forces that stifle connection must wither or else the future is lost to the chaos that comes from technological advancement.

A New Lifestyle: How I lost 45 lbs and kept it off.

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I changed how I think about myself. I lost 45 lbs in about a year. I try not to eat for relief from boredom. I eat when I'm hungry and I know better what that feels like. I try to never eat fast food. I make salads most nights and pair it with fish, chicken, potato salad or something decent. I almost never eat candy and I never drink soda except maybe a mountain dew or sprite on a very rare occasion.  I barely ever drink beer or liquor. This article is about how I lost the weight but more importantly, it explains why. 

Motivation:

Prior to my weight loss, I lived in a state of perpetual hedonism. I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted and I spent my time doing what felt good because in my mind I was going to die anyway, so why not. I felt like life was short and I had a pessimistic look at my own abilities and future. My confidence and self-esteem were shrouded in confusion, regret, avoidance, and denial. I felt pointless but as long as I engaged in freedom of consumption I could get by and what's wrong with that? 

A couple of years ago I started listening to some very powerful people, two of which I would like to credit for shaping my thinking in a positive way. Joe Rogan and Stefan Molyneux. Both of these men speak about taking responsibility for your actions, taking control of your life, making a difference in the world, morality, relationships, and both men have a passion for what they are doing. They provided a wonderful model for what being a man could be like and I have been woefully void of great male role models in my life. These men helped me gain a sense of power and challenged my thinking in a fundamental way. And I am still learning from these men and men like them today. 

Stefan Molyneux, in particular, helped me challenge the value of my relationships and the truth of my past. I feel like I woke up one day and realized that I didn't know myself or my history very well and this ignorance had led me to a life I didn't want or deserve. After examining my family and childhood I saw the life I led and began to stop accepting my fate. I started holding my parents responsible for the decisions they made and the neglect and abuse they allowed in my life. I started to see that I wasn't the one who deserved to suffer but I deserved to flourish in all that life can offer. I was worth the effort my parents neglected to make so now I had to make the effort for myself. Once I started to hold them responsible for their actions I started to accept responsibility for my own actions. What is true for them is true for me. So I took responsibility. 

The Plan:

About a year or two into taking personal responsibility I decided to make a change in my habits. I decided that I would try to read more and work toward being healthier. I was planning on a trip to New York with my long-term girlfriend and my plan was to enjoy the trip and when I get back it would be the start of making real change. I didn't have any specific goals but I knew that I wanted to start a new lifestyle. 

I started looking into dieting and exercise. I decided that I would stop eating fast food and replaced it with nightly salads and low-calorie microwave lunches. I stopped eating candy and chocolates, bread and sugary drinks.

Also, I decided to do exercises that were easy to do every day and in my small apartment. I didn't try to go full bore into a specific program but instead started very slowly with body weight exercises. I made sure to do push-ups, sit-ups/crunches, and pull-ups every day. Making sure to push myself without getting frustrated. 

Also, I decided to make a monetary commitment by buying a nice hybrid bicycle. This investment in my health prompted me to continue my efforts. If I spent money on it I would feel worse by having it go to waste. Later, I decided to try kettlebells after hearing the versatility and effectiveness they might offer. I got a 15 lb kettlebell and followed a workout video a few times a week.

I grew into these activities slowly and saw results very quickly. I started to see noticeable results within a few months and I felt better mentally. My self-esteem and confidence grew as my body started to shrink. I thought I would be good if I got to about 150 lbs which is what I weighed in high school but when I got to 140 after about 9 months I realized that I was a different person than when I started out. I enjoyed eating well and exercising. I became stronger and more attractive. I had done something difficult and knew that I had made a permanent change in my psychology. Many people talk about making a change or getting in shape and I actually did it. 

2 Years Later:

It has been almost 2 years since this transformation of lifestyle and I am more passionate about it than ever. I maintain a healthy diet and exercise almost every day. I am continuously looking for better dieting behaviors and exercise options that work for me and my goals. I am learning about the slow carb. diet outlined by Tim Ferris in his book "The Four Hour Body." I have maintained my current weight of about 140 lbs. and just want to lean up a bit. I am still the same person I was before but I am more mindful and optimistic. I am not a gym rat and I don't exercise to the point of exhaustion but I work on it every day and take responsibility for my actions.