Worthless Meat-Sac

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I suppose most of my life I've been a little depressed. Not enough to warrant any one's attention. Just enough to dwindle away any remaining hope, pride or confidence from a once playful child. A once hopeful squirt.

Along the way and at no time, in particular, the lust for life and all it could offer subsided. Reality set in hard and with little push back from myself and for Reality, it was easy to interject a little taste of spiteful consequence into an already uncertain world. 

Ahead, I only saw chaos and unpredictability. All I saw was my own failure, greed and no one to make proud, least of all myself. Who am I to demand such things of myself? Am I not just another human, doomed to a life on this earthly hell? With torments within and torments abroad.

The world, seeking to destroy you throws death and confusion at you. So you accept your fate. I told myself I was just another in a long line of worthless humans. No more important than the distant stars,  a speck of dust on the planet. With no God and no one to impress and no chance for greatness, why even try?

In the background of my mind negativity was always there, demanding more and expecting less. Never enough and never to anywhere. I thrived amidst the opportunities afforded. Blessed and cursed by the world's prescribed options. Adrift and ashamed. 

I am still ashamed of my lack of fortitude and passion. I am still ashamed when I find myself following someone undeserving of my loyalty. But it is not the case that I am just a cog and it is not the case that I have no choices. I have consequences to conjure and futures to inspire.

It is the case that I can accept my frailties and work toward improving the best aspects of myself. To take on tasks that improve my attitude, my mood and that create confidence. The ones that help me appreciate life and find joy. Activities and indulgences that I can take pride in even if I'm not always willing to divulge them to others.

There are positive and negative behavioral feedback loops that one engages in whether one is paying attention or not. If one is paying attention and wants the depression to lessen then it makes sense that one should engage in activities that promote positive psychological feedback.

A great book that I read that facilitated my acceptance of my current state and empowered my dedication to make my life better is called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. Another book I read that helped me rethink my relationships with others is called Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love by Stephan Molyneux. After reading these books I came away with actionable steps to take control over my life in a way that I didn't know was possible beforehand. I started to look at my life as something to be taken seriously as a limited resource that was worth investing in. For more on this topic read my blog about losing 45 lbs and why as well as other blogs about personal development.

Even after about five years of a concerted effort to no longer treat myself as a worthless meat-sac I still get depressed and still, my depression takes the form of a subtle, yet persistent pessimism, nihilism, and doubt. A voice inside my head that looks at my accomplishments, skills, and humanity and judges it all as a pointless endeavor unworthy of continuance. I stop writing, stop learning, stop appreciating myself and I start to doubt that I am worthy of any effort at all. Fortunately, as time goes by and I work at improving my self-esteem these bouts of depression are fewer and far between and I hope that in time positivity and enthusiasm will take on a more dominant role in my psychology.



Links:
https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397

https://www.amazon.com/Real-Time-Relationships-Logic-Stefan-Molyneux-ebook/dp/B004Z8S1TA

https://joesnotesblog.com/blog/2018/10/3/re-post-a-new-lifestyle-how-i-lost-45-lbs-and-kept-it-off

30 Days of Fiction: 1

Jack sat facing Jill who was determined to convince Jack that he was wrong about the message of the play they had just watched. Jack was just wrong to think that the play should have ended differently. It had ended perfectly and tragically and Jill would not allow Jack his feeble understanding of the message. Jack was insisting that the end was needlessly shocking and left the viewer with a sense of pointless despair but obviously he just didn't get it.

"I'm just saying that I like stories with a little hope. I don't like when writers add some shock at the end of the story to end everything and prove that they are in control and teach the audience they can't predict things. It's like a 'look what I can do' to the audience. It seems like a cop out." Jack tried to explain.

"That's not it at all. You just don't get it." Jill continued as they drank their coffee, adding fiery energy to the conversation. "Real life is unpredictable and tragic and the author is trying to tell us that. Telling us to live without regret. I think it's beautiful and wonderful."

"I thought it was great until the end. The acting was good and they did a lot with that small stage. It had a fun, happy tone the whole time until the end when they just throw sadness into your face and say 'ha, ha, fuck you' for thinking this would end like most stories'."Jack said with a scowl of disgust at the emotional manipulation the playwright was attempting. "And," He tried but was interrupted by Jill.

"Your crazy, it wasn't about 'fuck you audience'", She said mockingly. "It was about love. Your just wrong. I don't understand where your getting this from." Jill was irritated to the point of anger.

"Whatever." Jack said tired of arguing. "Let's talk about something else."

"Fine. But you just don't understand that sometimes life is like that," Jill said, not talking about something else.

"I understand what life is like and how life is tragic but I don't want to watch a show that for 90% of it takes me on a path of normal happy and hope and then drops a random death and divorce bomb on me and then expects me to leave happy. I like stories with hope!" Jack was exasperated. What was the point of paying to watch something that tricks you into being sad at the last minute?

Jill responded angrily, "Your fucking stupid! No one is tricking you! Your just not open.."

Jack interrupted, "Why are you so passionate about forcing me to think like you do? Can't you just get that we have different takes on the play and that is fine? Jesus Christ."

"Whatever. Your wrong." Jill said slightly deflated at Jack's comment but still resolute. She looked down and they both sat in silence for a moment not looking at each other.

After a few tense but necessary moments they looked at each other and eventually produced labored smiles. Jack reached his hand out to Jill on the table and she took it quickly.

"Let's go home." He said.

When they got to their little apartment they immediately parted ways dispensing with belongings and ignoring each other. The ride home had been silent as neither one wanted to start another conflict and now that they were home they both hoped to find something to distract from the previous events. Jack was the first one to turn the TV on and Jill began to make soup for one.

"Are you hungry?" She asked expecting to make another bowl of soup.

"No. I'm fine. Thanks." Jack said with the excitement of a sloth.

Jill came an sat next to Jack and they watched comedies for about an hour with little to no laughter between them. Then someone spoke.

"Hey," Jill said looking at Jack. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Jack asked not looking over.

"You know what I'm talking about." Jill responded matter-of-factly.

"I don't know," Jack confessed in a sorrowful tone.

"Your not happy," Jill said finally broaching the subject she had dreaded for a while now.

"I don't know. I'm depressed and don't know what to do and I can't talk to my mom and I don't know why," Jack slumped over burying his face in the sofa armrest pillow. He began to cry.

"You need to do something." Jill tried to console him. "You should talk to your mom or something, or get a new job. You're not happy with your job either. You're stressed out and not doing anything."

Jack whimpered,"I know." Then he lifted his head slowly, turned to Jill and fell into her lap. She held him and rubbed his back as he laid there thinking about how useless and confused he was.


The next day he felt better and so did Jill. They slept in and had a nice lunch together and watched TV. This time laughing and making jokes and smiling. That night Jack made his plans and resolved to change things. He started researching exercise programs, diet books, books on self esteem and psychology. He would read more and stop eating such shitty food and start living as if he mattered.

"I'm going to start reading more and I'm going to stop eating fast food and work out all the time." Jack said to Jill with wide eyes full of excitement.

"Your going to read? OK, Sure." She said with incredulity. "Gluten, dairy. Those are the problem. You should start eating gluten and dairy free."

"What?" Jack said dismayed. "OK" he said undeterred and went back to the laptop making his plans. He would buy a kettle bell and go on walks. Maybe get a bike.

Later that month Jack and Jill broke up. They talked about having different expectations and desires. Jack felt like he had used Jill for companionship and sex and Jill felt that too. She had used him too and they both agreed to move on to something new. They cried and hugged and it was the end of their time together.