On Ego and Roles (Thoughts)

When I am working and ask if I can help and the customer responds automatically with "No, I'm fine." When really what they want is for someone to help them find the thing they are looking for but they don't want anyone to think that they are helpless, weak, or can't find it on their own. Inevitably, within a few seconds, they raise my attention with, "Actually, where is the so and so?" 

Sometimes I smile when I filled with a sense of ego. When I accomplish something difficult or figure something out that is meaningful, or when someone says that I did a good job. I am consumed by a sense of pride and confidence. I smile and look inward to congratulate myself. "What a good job I have done!" "They like me!" Then I am struck by another thought and I smile to myself and I accept my pride and release the feeling of ego and move on with life. If I allow myself to live in the past accomplishments I will have a harder time recognizing the current experience and become distracted from those around me who rely on my judgment and expertise. If I forget those around me in pursuit of prolonging my sense of self-worth then I forget to treat people as I would prefer to be treated. I prefer to those around me to acknowledge my existence and be present around me. I want to be a part of their world, not a ghost adjacent. 

My longing to be perfect is a reflection of my dysfunctional ego. An ego that will not be satisfied with anything less than perfection creates an endless cycle of failure. Instead of being satisfied with improvement with an upward trajectory, an inflated ego demands a level of expertise that is only afforded to those that are practiced, educated, and experienced, and only to varying degrees regardless of said experience. 

I get nervous before I stream myself live, offer my opinions to superiors, or try to impress loved ones. I want to control the perception of others in a way that makes me think that they think that I am awesome. That I am wise, courageous, strong, funny, healthy, sexy, and all other archetypes of awesomeness. When I am nervous I forget to be in the moment and I forget to focus on the task at hand. In the back of my mind, I am imagining those that are watching me and attempting to will them into seeing me in a positive light. 

This is illogical for many reasons. Firstly, I am incapable of accurately predicting the thoughts of others. Secondly, I have no control over and shouldn't require control over the thoughts of others. Thirdly, I have to accept that not all people will like me, hate me, love me, think about me, forget me, know me and in fact, most people will never think about me at all. Even those who have met me will rarely think of me twice. And my best friends, family members, and lovers will only think of me occasionally and with only a small fragment of an accurate impression of myself. 

My ego allows me to spite others for not caring enough about me. When I choose not to call a friend and use the excuse that they haven't called me in "who knows how long" or when I say to myself, "if they wanted to talk to me they would call me." My ego tells me that in order to be my friend you have to put in the same amount of effort I put in so when my friends don't put in the effort it is simply a reflection of my effort. My ego tells me that if I text them first then I am the weak one. 

My ego makes me want to show how amazing I am by working harder than anyone else, even though I am lazier than I could be, waste plenty of time, and only marginally work toward bettering myself. When I judge others as being lazy because they don't answer a phone I don't want to answer. When I look around at everyone and think "these lazy fucks!".    

I am full of shit. 

Any desire that is born simply for the need to impress others is shallow and elusive. To understand what others want one would have to constantly be probing and questioning those around them to gain insight into what might impress others. To make your parents proud you have to constantly be assessing their pride in your deeds, or lack of deeds. Maybe your parents are elusive as well. They disguise their pride and your ego becomes lost and confused. 

Roles: 

The ego is an expression of the collective idealism you create around the perception of yourself. The ideal self is postulated within the mind and over time it evolves. Whenever you contemplate yourself as being in alignment with your perceived ideal self your ego is satisfied. 

Be wary of the ideal self as this is generated with others in mind. We generate and develop our conception of ourselves by comparing ourselves to those around us. We impersonate, mimic, and react to the world and we are shaped by its actions. We are told who we are by witnessing the world. We know we are human because other humans look the same and identify as humans. Are parents and siblings become role models and we become like them. Adapting and surviving. But we are not them and so we take different paths and soon we learn of the paths of many others. Through stories, we learn about the lives of others and we incorporate those archetypes into our bank of lives to emulate. "I like that person. I don't like that person." We identify allies and enemies by taking sides in stories and justifying actions. We place ourselves into the story and take on the roles of its characters. We imagine living the lives of these characters and 

These stories are ancient but in the age of information, the stories are overwhelming. From before we are alive we are inflicted with stories. Many of them that are purposely unrealistic in a way that clouds the mind with counterfactuals and contrivances. (This has been an attempt to get the word contrivances into a sentence.)

We can't trust the news to tell us what is really going on. 

Politicians attempt to convince others that they are the hero in a virtue story. A story about how people should act. A story about how people should try to help others. A story about service and chastity. A story about trust and courage. These are just stories. They are not real. Politicians are professional administrators with jobs related to spending the public's money. They determine their own salaries, bonuses, and benefits. 

There are no roles. Your life is not a story. You are an ape on Earth, on your way to death while witnessing the deaths of those around you. You didn't choose to be born and you will most likely remain ignorant to anything deeply true in the universe. You will only tenuously grasp reality and mostly fumble along getting by on sheer momentum, determination, and luck.  

Luck is another word for ignorance. Luck is not knowing the causal link from an outcome to its salient cause. Luck is seeing a result without seeing the effort put into it. It is assigning positive or negative value based on its relative benefit to the individual. 

Pretend I'm Your Friend

 

On Relationships

Most people have two or more "personas". They adapt to their environments by filtering their speech. At work, I have one filter and when I'm at home I have another. Sometimes I omit certain words because they are crass in one environment but perfectly acceptable in another.

My friends and I play a game sometimes. The goal is to shock the other person or people in the group by saying the most offensive, gruesome, or blasphemous thing possible. The more heinous the better. But it also has to be clever and in an attempt at humor. If someone says something stupid they are ridiculed by the others so the horrible things uttered have to be something the others will understand and appreciate as purposely horrible. The idea is to make fun of the easily offended, ourselves, and to challenge and understand each other's perspectives.

I would say that the quality of a friendship is marked by the level of freedom you have to communicate and be honest. The lower the filter the better the friend. This is why some siblings are not friends. Why some husbands and wives are not each other's best friends. People play roles in relationships and being honest can break the role and challenge their place. If someone does challenge their role in the relationship and the relationship can not adapt to this change then it will suffer.

Your best friend is oftentimes the person you can talk about you're family and spouse about in a way you might not be able to with anyone else. This is why high-quality friendships are so valuable. It gives a person a refuge to experiment with their thoughts as we don't always know what we think about something until we verbalize it and doing this with someone who can listen and offer constructive analysis will allow someone to understand their thinking better than just blurting out something in a moment of emotional distress toward someone they usually use a filter for.

Honest communication is about trust because our secrets are only secrets because of the perceived judgment of others. We hold back and filter our thoughts to hedge our bets about how others will respond. We don't use taboo language around people we don't know very well because we know that words can start fights. So we slowly test the "waters" using language. We throw in a lesser curse word like "ass" or "butthole" in an effort to gauge the other's reaction. If we are safe we might throw out a "shit" or "fuck" or a somewhat controversial idea to see what happens. Good communication is a dance with each person reading the others' moves and attempting to engage in a harmonious way. A bad conversation is the opposite, where both try to lead or one isn't paying attention or one is trying to antagonize the other.

As the dance continues the two will start to feel freer as they have created boundaries around what language works. The content of the conversation is only part of the equation of communication. Each person is doing at least two things. One is attempting to understand what the other person is saying. This can take focus and conscious effort. Listening is a skill. Although at times it can take less focus and comprehension can be effortless if the words are familiar and the topics mundane.

The second thing that a speaker is doing, other than listening is watching and reading the other person's body language and tone. Facial expressions, eye gaze, stance, and other factors are all being subconsciously attended to and studied in an effort to discern friend from foe. To see a potential attack coming or to find signs that make it safe to loosen up the filters and become more friendly. Although this instinctual process is far from perfect and we are often lead astray evolution has honed these instincts in the direction of survival so they are more often accurate.

When a person pushes the bounds of common etiquette with harsher words than would normally come out of a stranger people can often be perturbed. The normal behavior of strangers is to tread lightly until rapport is established. By being polite and respectful with their words and physical space they are saying to others that they know how to play the game. When someone treads too hard against these social mores they are testing the boundaries of others. If someone pushes too hard they can be met with any amount of disdain. From a look of contempt to a shot to the head, people don't take kindly to being tested or perceived disrespect.

Friends, on the other hand, can look past the words used and look for the spirit in which they were said. People infer meaning and intent when communicating. Sometimes people do this so much that they try to finish each other's sentences. This is rude in that it breaks up the flow of the speaker's thoughts and can derail a thread of thought. The person who is being interrupted has not established boundaries with the person who keeps interrupting them. This can often be because the speaker is also prone to interrupting and so allows it in others. Hypocritical people who interrupt others often don't like it when you interrupt them. This is due to a lack of self-awareness or some kind of narcissism where rules apply to others and not to the self.

Friends will typically give the benefit of the doubt when someone says something that is either uncharacteristically or surprisingly rude, harsh or offensive. 

People also know how to pretend to be friends. This is oftentimes what is happening between two new coworkers. They have the pressure of filtering themselves correctly in the workplace environment, which is actually at least three environments. The first environment is the one that involves clients. The second is the one that involves peers. The third is the one that involves hierarchies and bosses. And there are more I'm sure. The new coworkers also have the added pressure of trying to get to know their coworkers. They have to be able to pretend to be a stranger's friend. This is usually awkward as real friendship is gained over time and with experience and so the awkwardness that is felt is due to the inauthenticity.

A stranger is not a friend and so pretending someone is a friend in the workplace is a kind of guise. A ruse that if played wrong can be disastrous. Navigating this type of scenario is probably best done by not caring about making friends but instead caring about being a good team member. By volunteering to do jobs and help others one creates the best kind of coworker relationship, one that takes the job seriously. If one never tried to be besties with others they remain neutral and honest. They should have a plan in mind as to why they are working there and part of that plan should be to cooperate with others.

A friend applies their morality to their friends and a friend should be honest about their moral philosophies and stand by them enough to disavow a friend that strikes too hard at the values they uphold. This does not mean that a friend shouldn't be open to new ideas or be challenged but it does mean that there is a certain point at which a person should make a stand. A moral pushover or weakling can not be respected by people being honest.

Pretend I'm Your Friend

When looking at the intellectual work of others it is nearly impossible to not immediately judge the words through a filter of judgment based on current biases. This is an impediment to understanding the content from the perspective of the person communicating it. This means that the meaning and purpose of the content will probably be misinterpreted. In order to learn from others, we must lower our subjective judgemental filter and attempt to ingest the content from a more objective perspective. A great way to do this is to pretend that the other person is already your friend.

This means that you take the stance that the other person most likely thinks of themself as smart enough to have an opinion and morally righteous enough to offer advice. If it were a friend you would at least start from a place of respect and attempt to hear the spirit in which the content is being communicated. Is the person trying to help? Is the person uniquely qualified to know something about the subject? Is the person just hungry or upset or drunk? Suppressing your own instinct to react immediately, especially in a defensive way, can allow the person to express their idea fully. If you allow someone to express their idea fully then you can expect to express your rebuttal or thoughts fully as well. If you interrupt them then you can expect to be interrupted back. Or in reading something contentious or from someone you disagree with, you can better see where the person is coming from by pretending the person is not an evil person but instead just a type of friend. Maybe not your best friend but at least someone you can listen to.

When I hear something or read something that seems on its face to be completely ridiculous and wrong I try to remind myself to pretend that the other person is a friend and see what happens. Sometimes this doesn't change the outcome of the experience but it at least allows me to not immediately create a villain in which to fight. This helps with controlling the emotions that I experience that get in the way of understanding. Many times the result is as dismissive as it would have been but it doesn't take over my mind and allows me to move onto something else without so much energy wasted. Sometimes doing this actually allows me to understand the other person in a way that gives me a glimpse of their perspective, leading me to empathize or relate to them in a way that leads toward a paradigm shift. Even if just a small one. The best-case scenario is you make a new friend. I worst-case scenario is that you understand your enemy better.  

30 Days of Fiction: 1

Jack sat facing Jill who was determined to convince Jack that he was wrong about the message of the play they had just watched. Jack was just wrong to think that the play should have ended differently. It had ended perfectly and tragically and Jill would not allow Jack his feeble understanding of the message. Jack was insisting that the end was needlessly shocking and left the viewer with a sense of pointless despair but obviously he just didn't get it.

"I'm just saying that I like stories with a little hope. I don't like when writers add some shock at the end of the story to end everything and prove that they are in control and teach the audience they can't predict things. It's like a 'look what I can do' to the audience. It seems like a cop out." Jack tried to explain.

"That's not it at all. You just don't get it." Jill continued as they drank their coffee, adding fiery energy to the conversation. "Real life is unpredictable and tragic and the author is trying to tell us that. Telling us to live without regret. I think it's beautiful and wonderful."

"I thought it was great until the end. The acting was good and they did a lot with that small stage. It had a fun, happy tone the whole time until the end when they just throw sadness into your face and say 'ha, ha, fuck you' for thinking this would end like most stories'."Jack said with a scowl of disgust at the emotional manipulation the playwright was attempting. "And," He tried but was interrupted by Jill.

"Your crazy, it wasn't about 'fuck you audience'", She said mockingly. "It was about love. Your just wrong. I don't understand where your getting this from." Jill was irritated to the point of anger.

"Whatever." Jack said tired of arguing. "Let's talk about something else."

"Fine. But you just don't understand that sometimes life is like that," Jill said, not talking about something else.

"I understand what life is like and how life is tragic but I don't want to watch a show that for 90% of it takes me on a path of normal happy and hope and then drops a random death and divorce bomb on me and then expects me to leave happy. I like stories with hope!" Jack was exasperated. What was the point of paying to watch something that tricks you into being sad at the last minute?

Jill responded angrily, "Your fucking stupid! No one is tricking you! Your just not open.."

Jack interrupted, "Why are you so passionate about forcing me to think like you do? Can't you just get that we have different takes on the play and that is fine? Jesus Christ."

"Whatever. Your wrong." Jill said slightly deflated at Jack's comment but still resolute. She looked down and they both sat in silence for a moment not looking at each other.

After a few tense but necessary moments they looked at each other and eventually produced labored smiles. Jack reached his hand out to Jill on the table and she took it quickly.

"Let's go home." He said.

When they got to their little apartment they immediately parted ways dispensing with belongings and ignoring each other. The ride home had been silent as neither one wanted to start another conflict and now that they were home they both hoped to find something to distract from the previous events. Jack was the first one to turn the TV on and Jill began to make soup for one.

"Are you hungry?" She asked expecting to make another bowl of soup.

"No. I'm fine. Thanks." Jack said with the excitement of a sloth.

Jill came an sat next to Jack and they watched comedies for about an hour with little to no laughter between them. Then someone spoke.

"Hey," Jill said looking at Jack. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Jack asked not looking over.

"You know what I'm talking about." Jill responded matter-of-factly.

"I don't know," Jack confessed in a sorrowful tone.

"Your not happy," Jill said finally broaching the subject she had dreaded for a while now.

"I don't know. I'm depressed and don't know what to do and I can't talk to my mom and I don't know why," Jack slumped over burying his face in the sofa armrest pillow. He began to cry.

"You need to do something." Jill tried to console him. "You should talk to your mom or something, or get a new job. You're not happy with your job either. You're stressed out and not doing anything."

Jack whimpered,"I know." Then he lifted his head slowly, turned to Jill and fell into her lap. She held him and rubbed his back as he laid there thinking about how useless and confused he was.


The next day he felt better and so did Jill. They slept in and had a nice lunch together and watched TV. This time laughing and making jokes and smiling. That night Jack made his plans and resolved to change things. He started researching exercise programs, diet books, books on self esteem and psychology. He would read more and stop eating such shitty food and start living as if he mattered.

"I'm going to start reading more and I'm going to stop eating fast food and work out all the time." Jack said to Jill with wide eyes full of excitement.

"Your going to read? OK, Sure." She said with incredulity. "Gluten, dairy. Those are the problem. You should start eating gluten and dairy free."

"What?" Jack said dismayed. "OK" he said undeterred and went back to the laptop making his plans. He would buy a kettle bell and go on walks. Maybe get a bike.

Later that month Jack and Jill broke up. They talked about having different expectations and desires. Jack felt like he had used Jill for companionship and sex and Jill felt that too. She had used him too and they both agreed to move on to something new. They cried and hugged and it was the end of their time together.

I expect people I deal with to be respectful

02/03/2017 at 1 am

Yesterday my brother and I had a meeting with a friend about a recent photo shoot and some other design and business stuff. It was a great conversation about future goals and potential collaborations. After the meeting my brother and I talked about what is important in a business relationship and number one is communication. You have to be on the same page from conception to payment or one party might start to attribute intentions and motivations that might not be accurate. It is easy to assume that someone else is disregarding you on purpose but they are more likely just busy, unaware, or sometimes they are straight up unprofessional.

That is why it is important to stay in communication during a project and afterwards to make sure that everyone was happy with the collaboration. Business deals should be win win even when there are compromises are there are always compromises which is why it is also important to set standards. I expect people I deal with to be respectful, prompt and honest. I expect a high degree of integrity from myself and that allows me to expect it of others. I make mistakes but it I am stronger and healthier when I own them and I respect others that strive do the same.

My brother and I also discussed how important it is to be flexible and personable in relationships. In every project you hope will exceed the clients expectations and generate fruitful future business, have some fun and do work that matters. Finding good people who are willing to work with you to further each other's goals is ideal and it is important to not take good collaborators for granted. It is equally important to make sure that you aren't being taken for granted or advantage of. Hence, communication and standards play a major role in developing positive relationships. It's also important to take good advice and not let ego get in the way.