Podcasts I listen to as of 4/14/16

I love podcasts! They are On Demand Radio! Whether I'm in the shower, car, on a walk, or at work I am always listening to podcasts. I try to balance the information I get so I listen to educational podcasts and I listen to more comedic podcasts. I love the variety and freedom in podcasts. Here is a quick list of the podcasts I listen to regularly right now.

I listen to all of these on my phone with the Android app Podcast Addict but you can get them on iTunes, directly from these websites or with other apps and options to fit you. Check them out and let me know what you're listening to! @JoeGrins on twitter.

Educational:
1. The Tim Ferriss Show
http://fourhourworkweek.com/podcast/
-Interviews with top performers.

2. The Joe Rogan Experience
http://podcasts.joerogan.net/
-Interviews with entertainers, scientists and others.

3. Star Talk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson
http://www.startalkradio.net/
-Science talk about the cosmos.

4. Philosophy Bites
http://philosophybites.com/
-Short interviews with philosophers about a topic.

5. Freedomain Radio with Stefan Molyneux
http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/
-Conversations, Call ins, Interviews about philosophy, culture, politics, relationships and more.

Comedy/Entertainment:
1. Doug Loves Movies
http://douglovesmovies.com/
-Doug Benson hosts a movie trivia show.

2. Your Mom's House
http://yourmomshousepodcast.com/
-Christina Paxsitzky and Tom Segura are comedians.

3. Superego
http://www.gosuperego.com/
-Improv showcase.

4. Fleeting Thoughts Podcast (Shameless Plug)
http://www.fleetingthoughtspodcast.com/
-Channing Cornwall and I have conversations about life.

5. Spouting off with Josh Gray (Shameless Plug for brother)
http://www.joshdgray.com/sojg/
-My brother interviews people.

6. Day Job Gamescast (Shameless Plug)
http://www.dayjobgamers.com/
-Video game conversations.

Thanks for reading!

Secret Diaries (Thoughts are like a river)

Kids keep secrets in diaries. I wonder why kids would need to keep so many secrets. Is a diary a poor substitute for true connection? If a child lives in a household full of open and honest communication I imagine they would have little need for a secret diary. They may have a diary for writing down thoughts but only a child who feels ashamed would need to conceal their thoughts in a book. Humans need to communicate so much that in lieu of another's ear people will write down their thoughts in an effort to satisfy the need to communicate. And for a moment the thoughts can rest.

Thoughts are like a river. The waters can be calm, barely indicating any potential danger but in an instant the waters are raging and thrashing along its banks. Emotions and thoughts torrent through the mind slicing a deeper and deeper river. And even in the rocky and narrow parts the river is not stopped. It rejects the obstacles and forces its way with still more violence and vigor. But sometimes the river comes to a head and a pool of stagnant muck accrues. The river is slowed and fills the space. The dam can only hold the river's weight and might for so long before the river finds a way over, under, around or through the dam.

It is somewhat sad to think that writing in a secret diary is the only way to ease the river along. I spend a lot of time managing my internal torrents of thoughts and perceptions. Sometimes I write them down in a notebook or on a blog. When I was young I made sure to hide myself from the judgement of others but now I long to connect. I want to express myself honestly and more fully. I want the river of my thoughts to never pool at the head of a complacent dam.

Living in the moment:Some thoughts

To me living in the moment is very difficult. I am constantly interjecting stimulus into an otherwise quiet moment. I turn on the TV before I get my coffee. I turn on podcats, music or audiobooks when I walk, work and drive. I watch youtube on my lunch and play games while I use the bathroom. But in those moments when I am not injecting entertainment I try to remember that the present moment is real and it might actually matter.

Remembering the moment means slowing down and trying to understand the thoughts that arise. It means not planning the next words to speak, tasks to complete or previous experiences. It means listening to the environment and reacting without pretense or script. This is very difficult when most of my activities are habitual and have become automatic.

One thing I try to do is recognize the moment and reset my thougts. Breathing and listening seem to be good ways to do this. Asking myself, "how do I feel right now" or "am I sad, why am I sad?" Or asking questions about my environment and the people around me. "Who is this person, what are they trying to say, and how do they feel?" By trying to see things from another's perspective you can take yourself out of the tendency to be self conscious and unempathetic. 

A New Lifestyle: How I lost 45 lbs and kept it off.

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I changed how I think about myself. I lost 45 lbs in about a year. I try not to eat for relief from boredom. I eat when I'm hungry and I know better what that feels like. I try to never eat fast food. I make salads most nights and pair it with fish, chicken, potato salad or something decent. I almost never eat candy and I never drink soda except maybe a mountain dew or sprite on a very rare occasion.  I barely ever drink beer or liquor. This article is about how I lost the weight but more importantly, it explains why. 

Motivation:

Prior to my weight loss, I lived in a state of perpetual hedonism. I ate what I wanted, I drank what I wanted and I spent my time doing what felt good because in my mind I was going to die anyway, so why not. I felt like life was short and I had a pessimistic look at my own abilities and future. My confidence and self-esteem were shrouded in confusion, regret, avoidance, and denial. I felt pointless but as long as I engaged in freedom of consumption I could get by and what's wrong with that? 

A couple of years ago I started listening to some very powerful people, two of which I would like to credit for shaping my thinking in a positive way. Joe Rogan and Stefan Molyneux. Both of these men speak about taking responsibility for your actions, taking control of your life, making a difference in the world, morality, relationships, and both men have a passion for what they are doing. They provided a wonderful model for what being a man could be like and I have been woefully void of great male role models in my life. These men helped me gain a sense of power and challenged my thinking in a fundamental way. And I am still learning from these men and men like them today. 

Stefan Molyneux, in particular, helped me challenge the value of my relationships and the truth of my past. I feel like I woke up one day and realized that I didn't know myself or my history very well and this ignorance had led me to a life I didn't want or deserve. After examining my family and childhood I saw the life I led and began to stop accepting my fate. I started holding my parents responsible for the decisions they made and the neglect and abuse they allowed in my life. I started to see that I wasn't the one who deserved to suffer but I deserved to flourish in all that life can offer. I was worth the effort my parents neglected to make so now I had to make the effort for myself. Once I started to hold them responsible for their actions I started to accept responsibility for my own actions. What is true for them is true for me. So I took responsibility. 

The Plan:

About a year or two into taking personal responsibility I decided to make a change in my habits. I decided that I would try to read more and work toward being healthier. I was planning on a trip to New York with my long-term girlfriend and my plan was to enjoy the trip and when I get back it would be the start of making real change. I didn't have any specific goals but I knew that I wanted to start a new lifestyle. 

I started looking into dieting and exercise. I decided that I would stop eating fast food and replaced it with nightly salads and low-calorie microwave lunches. I stopped eating candy and chocolates, bread and sugary drinks.

Also, I decided to do exercises that were easy to do every day and in my small apartment. I didn't try to go full bore into a specific program but instead started very slowly with body weight exercises. I made sure to do push-ups, sit-ups/crunches, and pull-ups every day. Making sure to push myself without getting frustrated. 

Also, I decided to make a monetary commitment by buying a nice hybrid bicycle. This investment in my health prompted me to continue my efforts. If I spent money on it I would feel worse by having it go to waste. Later, I decided to try kettlebells after hearing the versatility and effectiveness they might offer. I got a 15 lb kettlebell and followed a workout video a few times a week.

I grew into these activities slowly and saw results very quickly. I started to see noticeable results within a few months and I felt better mentally. My self-esteem and confidence grew as my body started to shrink. I thought I would be good if I got to about 150 lbs which is what I weighed in high school but when I got to 140 after about 9 months I realized that I was a different person than when I started out. I enjoyed eating well and exercising. I became stronger and more attractive. I had done something difficult and knew that I had made a permanent change in my psychology. Many people talk about making a change or getting in shape and I actually did it. 

2 Years Later:

It has been almost 2 years since this transformation of lifestyle and I am more passionate about it than ever. I maintain a healthy diet and exercise almost every day. I am continuously looking for better dieting behaviors and exercise options that work for me and my goals. I am learning about the slow carb. diet outlined by Tim Ferris in his book "The Four Hour Body." I have maintained my current weight of about 140 lbs. and just want to lean up a bit. I am still the same person I was before but I am more mindful and optimistic. I am not a gym rat and I don't exercise to the point of exhaustion but I work on it every day and take responsibility for my actions.

Feelings About Death

I found out that someone died. I felt the sudden certainty of death. I felt like I should stay up and live. I felt sadness for the dead and for the living who feel the consequences. I saw the void that death leaves. It helped me feel mortal. One day I will be dead and soon others I know will die. This death may be the first significant death I have felt. I felt depressed like a suddenly deflated balloon. It put into perspective the importance of the present and the time that I have now.

4 Man Dates in 3 Days

Man Date 1: Impromptu Talk with Dave
Wednesday started with sending a consultation letter to a therapist. I was nervous to reach out to a man to talk about my "problems" but I've learned that when I feel uncomfortable I am probably learning or growing so I decided to just do it. I was off that day and become bored sitting in my apartment so I decided to do the lamest thing possible, go to the mall the walk around. I went to the mall and stopped by a store that a couple of friends work and chatted for a while, then I decided to see if my friend Dave was working.

When I entered the store the woman behind the counter recognized me and informed me that I was on the list of people that could interrupt Dave if he is busy in the back room. I felt very good about this. Dave came out from the back room and we proceeded to have an almost 2 hour conversation on everything from yo-yoing to the sexual market value of aging women. Every once in a while I go to the mall to have these types of conversations and distract Dave from his duties and we end up having very candid and engaging conversations about the realities of life. He is very open to talking about business, love, technology, politics, and even religion. What a wonderful way to spend a couple hours waiting for date number 2.

Man Date 2: Dinner, Movie and Podcasting with Channing
After chatting with Dave I headed to Applebee's where I met the wonderful Channing, my co-host and confidant. We become friends when we worked together and hit it off immediately. Later I decided I wanted to start a weekly podcast and Channing and I started the Fleeting Thoughts podcast. If anything it is a great excuse to meet up and hang out regularly since we don't work together anymore and we have a great time talking about pop culture, politics, religion, sex, racism, and any all manner of ridiculousness. Sometimes we are silly and sometimes we are serious but we are always enjoying the experiences. At least I know I am.

I can tell Channing anything. Just the other day I confided in him and subsequently the podcast world that I lost my virginity at the ripe age of 23. This fact was a complete secret that I made sure to never divulge previously but I felt comfortable telling Channing while recording the podcast and the discomfort I felt initially was quickly replaced by a kind of freedom and release. I have gotten off track but essentially every time I get to hang out with Channing is a cherished opportunity. He is truly a great friend.

The date night in question did include dinner at Applebee's, which was great, watching the mediocre western "Jane Got a Gun" and then recording our podcast. Our conversations are fluid and dynamic and for the most part we do not edit ourselves other than to keep from getting sued or due to subconscious efforts to maintain a certain "self", which is hard to avoid.

Man Date 3: The One That I Can't Quit
I told my friend Anthony I would come watch him play in a high average pool tournament at a local bar. I was supposed to be in the tournament too but I couldn't make it to the second night so I gave my spot to another person on our team. I just bring this up to brag. When I get to the bar I find Anthony and his girlfriend in the smoking area and as I walk up I see that they are fighting. Something about, "I just got here, what did I do," coming from his girlfriend. I swiftly leave the area and go inside to wait. I sit for a moment when I see that he is sitting at a table on the other side of the bar so I head over to say hi.

We greet each other and have somewhat pleasant banter. Another player from our team came to watch and we all sit a a table waiting for Anthony to play. At one point I bring up that I'm trying to learn Spanish and Anthony and his girlfriend proceed to argue about who knows Spanish better and they just start saying random phrases in Spanish until Anthony leaves the table to get beer.

I am going to stop myself there. Essentially my relationship with this man is strained to put it mildly. I have known his since 5th grade and for a long time I thought we was a respectable guy. After his divorce a few years ago he has been a completely self destructive, self centered, shell of a man. His girlfriend is horrible, he makes terrible choices and drowns his sorrows in booze and ego trips. It has become harder and harder to have Anthony in my life and he sucks which sucks.

Man Date 4: A bit of Culture with Joey
Joey is a long time friend and we decided to go see the play "The Book of Mormon" at the Hult Center. Before the show we met two of his friends for dinner at a swanky, downtown Japanese restaurant for sushi. His friends dressed up and we had a wonderful time eating expensive sushi and talking about video games and our jobs. They were going to the play as well to celebrate a birthday.

Afterward we walked to the theater in the rain and made it just in time to get our seats. I have seen a lot of on and off Broadway shows in New York, including "Wicked", and "Doubt" and I am fairly certain "The Book of Mormon" was the best play I've ever seen. What may have been even more enjoyable was watching Joey laugh and applaud during the show with unabashed excitement. The play had every bit of irreverent silliness of pointed satire I would expect from the creators of South Park. It was wonderful.

After the play there were real Mormons outside handing out real stupid Mormon books. Then we walked across the street and down the block to a bar where Joey's friend had an art showcase. The artist had used slabs of wood to paint eerie scenes from the movie "The Shining". We four sat at a table expounding on the trappings of adulthood and getting older while watching college age drinkers filling up the bar. It was too "happening" for us so we decided to get out of there for something quieter so we went to a bar called the Wetlands. There we ate some late night food and continued talking about life and work. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening.

Then Joey took me back to his place, where my car was, and we chatted a little about relationships and fitness before I left for my home. Joey is the opposite of my friend Anthony. Joey was divorced a few years ago too but instead of falling into self loathing he decided to get healthy and make changes for the better. He takes life more seriously now and with more conscious effort to be better. He is looking out for himself more and he isn't trying to deny the past. Instead he is working toward a better future for himself and he's the kind of person I am glad to be around.

I wrote this because my relationships are important and because most people have no idea what men do or how men think. I want to share how I feel about my male friends and express how important it is that I do not take them for granted or as obligations. My relationships can be a mixed bag full of amazing insights and frustrating revelations and sometimes I even have fun.

I have a secret.

I walk around the mall watching people. As I do this I am listening to Doug Stanhope on my sweet Bluetooth headset and walking with swift purpose. The purpose is really a hoax for I don't have any need of anything the mall might have other than the potential to satiate my voyeurism. I walk among them with a secret. Am I to keep it?

I wonder who notices me and what they think. Maybe they think, who is this shorter than average 30 something man walking with such purpose? What does he know that we, the public, don't? Why does he seem so confident and aloof?

Well,  I can only assume that my secret is really a sense of pretentiousness. A sense of superiority.  I am not sure what justifies this swagger. I am not accomplished or wisened. I am not kind or giving. I am decent at best but I certainly think a lot about what is better and what is good and I deem most as subpar.

I think the machismo I harbor and restraint must be a compensation.  A way of masking the fear of judgment and rejection. A way to wall off others. I automatically assume I know that most people are not worth my time. Because my time is precious, and yet I waste so much time with mediocre successes and dispassionate work. Why cut myself off to others and then sit back and admit it to blogs? Is there a pretentiousness to that as well? Constantly patting myself on the back for my introspection. Is that who I am?

Since I was young, looking out at the playground at all the kids running around, I have been observing others like a hawk on a wire. I could never imagine that anyone could think like I do. That anyone had a mind like mine. That I was special. And maybe that has sustained my ego even amongst the myriad of bad decisions and lack of ambition. I can look inside and tell myself that I am unique and interesting. That it's the thought that counts. But as I get older I think the actions matter more but what have I done? What have I done that is even remotely intellectual or brave? What have I done that will last and be remembered?  Have I done anything to be proud of? I'll keeping thinking. 

I attempt so much to be unlike the rest, the masses, that I'm not sure who I am. In staying away from the mainstream and struggling to perch above it all I have squandered my precious time. I have more time but what to do with it? What matters in a world divided and a mindset apart?