Emotional update

I can't have fun anymore. Not like I used to. I get stressed out when people act out of control and frivolous. I judge others with a rightcheous ego-flattering pompousness. I think I'm smarting and better than them. I'm emotionally sensitive to the people around me and feed on their feelings. I am a control freak. I believe in my mind that I am right and note worthy.

I just left my roomate's Xmas party because a fight broke out. Does that make me weak? I couldn't sit there and let these people take me down. I fear the police and the blame I might be placed with since I live there. This one young female supposedly tossed beer on a male. Who knows why? But he gets pissed and the other girl's who are the male's friend come to his rescue. Squacking and yapping they elevated the hate until it erupted with two females pulling hair. Like bitches. I dive into the fray and speak my mind. I yell back and attempt to peel t9he two beasts from each other. No one respects my wishes and with everyone entitled and drunk no one sympathizes with my tenderness.

How dare these people that I barely know affect me so thoroughly? How dare I let myself be affected by these drunkards? I am not interested in an environment full of ill tempers and immature interactions. Violence is abhorant and emotionally draining. Controlling those that choose to be violent is too costly and futile.

So I leave them for sanctuary in wal mart. I can breath here and I am relatively safe. How long do I wait to go back home to face the disaster that accompanies those people? Do my actions require an explanation? I am an emotional creature and other people affect my well being. Fuck all those that disturb my peace.

Come what may, Edited and REPosted

What may...     

Come to pass will last until the past comes back to me.

In my dreams I see strange things but what do they mean?

It seems to be nothing.

But if I'm wrong am I strong enough for the long haul to come?

Understanding the demanding pressure that comes from just standing.

Sitting, sleeping or just quietly listening.

The glistening gleam in the seam of my pupil.

The scoopful of death upon life's lonely scream.

Lean on me constantly and I'll fall from the weight of this great thing you call fate.

With Jealousy, Greed, An abundance of weed. Without seed, stem or need.

NEED?

That need to be free.

That need to be me.

Unless it's not meant to be.

In my rearview I see a backwards eye whose red matches the red from the cruiser's lights.

Police at my back but they just want to pass to I laugh.

DOGS VS HUMANS: Which species is better adapted?

DOGS VS HUMANS

Which species is better adapted?

Dogs are the people and the state is the dog walker.  Leashes are the laws, policemen and jails. The dog feels freedom at times but whenever that leash tightens the dog knows that it has a master. The dog walker makes the decisions and determines the level of freedom but the dog is not free.  Let the dog off the leash and anything can happen.

1.       Food

-Dogs with a home should get plenty of food. An unlucky few dogs have cruel owners who use them for fighting or breeding and do not treat them well.

-Dogs with no home must fend for their food in cities or in nature.

-Humans rely on money in most cultures or stealing for food. Many go without food but many eat until they grow fat and useless and throw away food. Some dogs also eat too much and grow unhealthy.  

-Humans and dogs can eat essentially the same things.

Advantage: Humans

2.       Water

-Dogs rely on humans for this as well as food.

-Humans mostly rely on other humans to provide drinking water. Or they create well or use rivers.

Advantage: Humans

3.       Shelter

-Dogs can take shelter in most places.

-Dogs have fur and do not require robust heating and cooling systems.

-Humans are not suited for all climates and require clothing for warmth.

Advantage: Humans

4.       Hygiene/Disease

-Dogs are prone to genetic issues but humans also have the same issues.

-Genetic diversity establishes better long term evolution for both.

-Dogs encounter more germs than humans and have developed immunities and defenses far superior to humans.

Advantage: Dogs

5.       Vision

-Dogs see better in the dark because of their superior hearing and smell and adaptation to night hunting and such nocturnal activities.

-Human vision is superior during the day and humans do a lot with their vision.

-Humans have created vision improving devices.

Advantage: Humans

6.       Deaths

-Humans kill themselves at alarming rates.

-Suicide is a human trait.

-Humans kill each other over silliness and greed.

-Dogs kill each other over food and mating.

-Humans also kill each other over food and mating.

-Cancer kills both species.

-Humans destroy their bodies with poisons and smoke.

-Dogs are killed by humans. (Neglect or otherwise)

Advantage: Dogs

7.       Sweating

-Humans are efficient sweaters.

-Humans and dogs both need water to cool and replenish lost water.

-Both are warm blooded and require energy for cooling and heating.

-Dogs sweat with their tongue. This is silly.

Advantage: Humans

8.       Life Expectancy

-Dogs live between 10-30 years depending on variables.

- Humans live from 50-100 years. (Far superior life spans)

Advantage: Humans

9.       Control

-Most dogs are controlled by masters. These masters vary in kindness, discipline, punishment, training, etc…

-Most humans are controlled by governments. These governments vary in tactics, philosophy, kindness, punishment, economic philosophy, etc…

-Humans believe themselves to be free.

-Dogs know who their masters are.

Advantage: Unknown

10.   Smelling

-Duh (Humans suck)

-Duh (Dogs rule)

Advantage: Dogs

11.   Intelligence

-Humans created intelligence by naming the thing they do to make thoughts into things.

-Dogs only display intelligence in relation to humans. Humans name things to be intelligent.

-Dogs that survive and mate are successful for their species.

- Dogs that do as they are told are usually more likely to live longer and better lives, although non-obedient dogs often have weak owners and these dogs do well.

Advantage: Bullshit

 

12.   Successful Mating

-The majority of dog breeding is controlled by humans.

-Dogs can breed at will in isolated situations. (When they escape or are free to roam)

-Humans just breed.

-Some human breeding is controlled.

Advantage: Humans

13.   Talking

-Dogs do not talk.

-Humans talk way too much.

Advantage: Humans

14.   Listening (Comprehension/Language)

-A well trained dog will convincingly mimic what a human does when it listens.

-Humans vary in their listening ability.

Advantage: Humans

15.   Stars?

-Dogs do not know what stars are. Their necks are restrained and their perspective is limited.

-Some humans have dedicated everything to them.

Advantage: Unknown

16.   Consciousness

-Dogs may be conscious but what would be the thing in their heads if not a language?

-Is language required for consciousness?

-Do dogs simply have a raw, unbridled and/or primitive language?

-Do humans have consciousness? Do they understand consciousness? Does consciousness exist?

-Is consciousness a word for something else entirely? Like Free will or inner thoughts or the soul?

Advantage: Unknown (Maybe it is better to not be conscious)

Scorecard thus far out of 16:

DOGS: 3

HUMANS: 9

Unknowns: 4

To Be Continued...

17.   Loyalty

18.   Usefulness

19.   Harm to world

20.   Harm to own species

21.    

Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

Emotion and Reason balance precariously on a plank:

All at once I am overcome with emotion.  I feel weak and lonely and angry at the world and at myself and I hate my emotions. I hate the frustration and sadness. I hate the hate.  I think about her and I think about how I used to feel and how it is all gone. I think about how it won’t be the same ever again.  My reaction doesn’t make any sense intellectually. To feel this way or think these things is not logical but logic is not a part of these emotions. These are instincts that need no reason or excuse or words to explain them. They rise from within the primal brain and flood the synapses with doubt and anxiety. My body is physically changed bringing hopelessness and despair to the forefront of my mind.

All at once my mind returns to me and I am living with reason again and I respect the emotions that helped me express and enlighten my mind. My fears, doubts and misunderstandings about the world and myself are illuminated and reflected upon. I can create compartments and organize my thoughts again and I can think about the future and its possibilities. My reason is not fearful or sad. My reason is contemplative and deep. A creative machine that churns and fluctuates like a million spiraling spheres rotating around an axis.

But…

All of a sudden, after accomplishing some intellectual goal or the excitement from finding that one enlightened thought that is so perfect, I am pulled back into an emotional abyss.  But these emotions are good and create confidence in me. Calm floods my mind with hope and joy and a smile comes easy. The mind is clear and the world is absorbed more fully with less thought and judgment. Thoughts are not too complicated because the world is not too complicated and everything is ok.

Soon I will be alone again without a sufficient distraction and it will come on slow in the silence of those moments that will eventually lead up to a new emotional bought full of fear, frustration and helplessness.

My personal balance beam teeters back and forth with waves of uncertainty and confusion. I seek peace when centered but find madness at the margins. My ocean deepens and the waves change but throughout the years the teetering remains. Hopefully, with age, I will learn to love both sides of the beam.

Overwhelming yet Revitalizing: Painful yet Enlightening

Video Game Industry Tactics: Booklets and Strat. Guides

 

The informational booklets that come with new games are becoming smaller and smaller. Most games come with a decent sized informational booklet that explains the controls, story synopsis, and other miscellaneous tid-bits that help the gamer get oriented with the game. Lately, though, these booklets have little to no information pertaining to actual game content. Except for some warranty and copyright information the insert is excitingly baron.

Why is this becoming the norm you ask? I will tell you.

This is because some piece of shit executive wanted to save money and make money all at the same time. Now keep in mind that this probably wasn’t an executive’s idea in the first place but some exec signed off on it. By decreasing the number of pages used in the booklet the company saves money which is reason enough to make that move. Second thing, by offering strategy guides they can capitalize on the gamer’s need for information supposing that the gamer does not think to go on the internet. If the gamer decides to go on the internet they have connections with the websites that offer the walkthroughs and wikis and the websites sell ad space for the video game industry. Thus, the industry wins. 

 AND some games don’t need any bloody additional information. Just play the game and figure it out or go online and use someone else’s work.  It’s not a big deal. Games should be fun because of the content of the game and information should be available when needed and as needed. Games should be about engrossing adventures, glorious rampages and thought provoking experiences, not about extra bullshit.

Religious rants and the word god.

Religious rants and the word god.

 I am a poor Buddhist because I fear the quietness in my mind.

I am a poor Christian because I do not believe in old stories.

I am a horrible Muslim because I do not believe in old stories.

I am a horrible Mormon because I don’t trust white leaders.

I will never be a catholic because gold is gaudy and ridiculous.

I am not an atheist even though I do not believe in god. I actually have a problem with the word god. I don’t think it means anything and I think it can mean anything so it is useless. When someone thinks that they do not believe in god they are saying they do not believe in a word that has no real meaning. When you acknowledge that the word is blindingly ambiguous you can acquire better knowledge of what you are talking about.

Before there was a word god there was a concept of god. And that concept had a clear meaning the people using that word. But when they said it they did not say god. They said the word for god in their language and it was understood before anyone had to write it down. If you have a religion you think that you know what the word god means. You go to church and read books about your god but you do not know what that word means.

The concept of god came at a time when people had very few words and the word god was powerful and deep. In each culture a new concept would emerge that described important and powerful things and soon the concept turned into worship and adoration. Some people built statues and monuments to celebrate their gods; their concepts. To some, gods had to be named and organized and for some god is one thing and for others god means everything or is it nothing and to some it means the earth and yet to some others it means the sun or moon or money or sex or fame or anything. Seriously it is a useless word.

So when someone asks if I believe in god what do I say? Do I say I do not believe in god when I do not know what that word means?  I have concepts of things and names for things and I can be content to not know things and name things that I do not know things I do not know. I do not desire to do anything more than to try to know what others mean when they say the words god or gods and try to understand why it matters. I think that there are more precise and creative ways to explain things than to continue to use this word GOD.

I am a poor agnostic because I am unsure that there is an answer to be unsure of. Maybe even the placing of a yes or no designation to the existence of something is the first mistake. Seeking is not the mistake but maybe inferior words and thinking lead to useless things.   

I will always dream of what it would mean to know things.

I will always dream of what it would mean to know things.

If I had all the money and power in the world I would have dreams. These are these dreams:

I would build a time machine that was a huge spaceship and it would hold my collections of things that matter. Information technology would be the most important and possible video equipment as well and it would need food and life support systems, obviously. My spaceship would be able to go back and forth through time and travel throughout the universe evolving and my ship would adapt to new information about reality and interface with my mind and body as if it were part of my body but I could separate from my ship and move about the planets and times that I travel.

I would go back to the Egyptians and see how they moved such large stones and built such mighty structures. I would ask them why they did what they did and how their language came about.  I would ask them about their culture and I would record it all.

I would go the South America and see the Mayans and discover their secrets. I would ask them about the sky and about their mountains villages.

I want to see Pangaea from a satellite view and take a real picture. I want to set up a time lapse film from 20,000ft above the earth spanning the entire lifespan of the earth. I want to show this film to children in schools.

I don’t want to use anthropological theories or archeological evidence or geological timelines to create a digital representation of what the best western minds have to offer on the history of the planet. No, I want to see if happen. I want to watch the world grow and the plants evolve into animals and the animals evolve into oil.

I want to hear what a pterodactyl sounded like.

I want to take my ship into the ocean and watch islands form into continents and then go above the land and watch life grow and change.

I would see what it was like to be entertained by burning witches and fights to the death.

I want to film and record it all and travel in and out of time and throughout the fabric of space discovering the nature of things.

I want to see what things were like before the big bang. See if there was any big bang.

I suppose that with all the money and power in the world I would covet knowledge. I would seek to know everything even if that meant there was really nothing at all to know. I would want to be able to come back to the time I belonged to originally and be able to astound people with the things I know of the universe. 

But for now I have to be content with the theories and the philosophies that I find and research. I am content with the search for impressive knowledge here on earth and in my back yard and on TV. I will listen to interesting things that I find on iTunes or see on Youtube. I will listen to books on things that are informational and entertaining. I will be open to all ideas but I will filter out the things that don’t seem true to me. I will be wrong much of the time about most things but I will continue to learn things about the world. I will learn things about myself through the learning of things about the world and create a biased perspective.

Hippy Shit

Why loving others is selfish and being selfish is good:

When we love others we are expressing the love that we feel and wish for ourselves. We love ourselves and we love others when we can see ourselves in them. The “connection” that people talk about is a realization of similarity or a realization of the commonality of existence; a fading of the line between selves.  We see a glimmer of ourselves in another’s body and we become them for a moment.

We seek to love our own existence and we assume it is good to seek a binding between our belief in existence and our belief in love. Maybe when we can find love in ourselves it is then that we can get love from and give love to others. We must find something in ourselves that is worth loving or we cannot see the things that make people worth something. The more love there is in the self the more love the self can find in others.

This is why we must learn to find self-worth and inner love before we can see others as we see ourselves. We must learn to be humble and appreciate the failures and insecurities in ourselves before those things can be appreciated and loved in others. I think it is impossible to be completely selfless but if you can be selfish enough to love others as you love yourself then others would love you as much as they love themselves and then a maximum of selfishness would mean a maximum amount of love reciprocated amongst people.

Strings of words: String theory of words:

Strings of words:
String theory of words:
Words become strung together. They make things that mean things and some strings are not strings. They can be withered strings; weak and lean or they can be beautiful strings that mean beautiful things. Ugly strings have mixed up dreams of things in streams that mean nothing.  Bad strings and good strings, they are all strings unless words are alone. Lonely words are lonely things and words alone don’t mean a thing. Strings of words do many things but some strings are not strings; some things are not things.

Future Funerals

As I sweat and breath heavily on the exercise machine the future funerals of my precious loved ones flood through my mind in a series of horrible imaginings. I do not cry immediately but I feel a twinge of my future and imagine my emotional surrender. It is only an idea, only an attempt to predict and prepare for this inevitable reality. I can pretend that these things won't happen or that I might die before I have to deal with it but I know that is useless. I imagine my mom, sister, brother, best friend and imagine the news I will get one day and for each I experience just the smallest bit of what the real thing will be like. I slow down and close my eyes and remind myself that this morbid contemplation is just a thought. I clear my mind of these thoughts and try my best to forget myself and my fears. I hit the next button on the IPOD to something upbeat and positive.

You know your a Capitolist...

You know you’re a capitalist society when you lock up prostitutes but someone makes a fuck film and it’s a legitimate job. Making money is the only thing that matters in America. Even the most spiritually minded people seek riches, fame and power. America doesn’t have Buddhists, monks or meditators. You have to leave the US to find anyone whose dream life doesn’t involve wealth, fame or power or all these things at once. In America we are all taught the value of working hard to make money and maybe if you work hard enough and do what you can to support that consumer culture you can be rich and famous and powerful.  

You know you’re a capitalist society when weed is illegal because if it were legal there would only be one major market for it instead the two when it is legal and illegal at the same time. Cops make money off the stolen drugs and by taking the people with it to jail.  

You know you’re a capitalist society when cigarettes and cars are legal but weed and prostitution are illegal. How many people die from weed and prostitution every year? I think prostitutes get raped because it is illegal.  If it were legal then prostitutes could call the police or defend themselves or create communities and systems for safety and society could discuss behaviors that reduce the risks.

http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/news/20030918/marijuana-smoking-doesnt-kill

http://www.car-accidents.com/pages/fatal-accident-statistics.html

http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/tables/health/attrdeaths/index.htm

http://www.saferchoice.org/content/view/24/53/

Youtube has changed the internet.

Users will document their lives, hobbies, experiences and lively hoods.

Youtube has changed the internet. Really it is just utilizing the internet the way it is supposed to be, but Youtube has changed marketing and advertising and the culture of watching pictures. Before, with a simple cable service you picked a package of like 50 channels and you could watch whatever you wanted and commercials would play in between shows and there were way to many and it got really annoying so you flip between a few channels to avoid the ads. And most of the channels you will never watch, they are just there to get in the way. Your experience is diminished because you can’t focus on the show or movie or whatever. Then the internet came and now you can watch all sorts of shows with varying amounts of time allotted to advertising and more freedom to control your viewing experience.

Youtube is a website that keeps track of and posts “views” of each video. This creates a fair representation of how many people have watched or at least started to watch the video.  So you can gather for each video exactly how much it is worth based on views. You would have to subtract for certain variables such as partial views and views made by the owner. Actually I am not sure who the actual owner of the content is on Youtube but someone probably owns that stuff. Hopefully it is the up-loader and not the up-loadee. Then Youtube sells ad space to individuals with “channels.” Just like on cable, except that it’s the entire world worth of videos made by millions of people. Youtube is creating the biggest and best database for human culture and technology. Education, self-help, entertainment, diaries, drama, comedy, food, and anything else you can think of is documented by Youtube and people can make money on their own bullshit videos. J

This is horrible news to big companies that give you package channel deals. It is an old model. They say here’s what you get for this content with no bargaining except if you want more and other channels, and then you can pay more. And all the content provided is controlled by other huge corporations who are related somehow to the local cable provider. So they all get fed off of your need for content. But with this blanketed model they can’t measure very accurately what shows are being watched. They can do surveys and censuses but those are not direct measurements of the data they want. (Stupid model)  

Youtube captures data on everything that happens on the site. Individual up-loaders can view graphs of view histories, advertisers can see who clicks on which ads and Youtube can track what up-loaders are getting the most views. This business model says something different than the old model. This model says here is all the content in the world, ‘now what do you like?’ Now the ads are focused and streamline. Most videos are short and so ads are often very short and the majority of content is rubbish and therefore has no ads. Videos can also be rated and commented on by the audience allowing for a feedback loop between content providers and viewers. This would ideally lead to better content, more efficient processes, more focused marketing, and evolve around the people instead of around large corporations. Add in social media and applications and it cannot fail. Individual websites can fail but digital content will be distributed.

Now onto the hybrid model: EXAMPLES are Hulu and Netflix. These companies provide you with mostly professional grade entertainment. They charge a set monthly price for a variety of services depending on the kind of content the user wants. Hulu also has a free service which I find perfectly adequate although lately I am thinking about upgrading to Hulu Plus because it would allow me more access to more interesting entertainment. The advertisements on Hulu are still short but there are usually too many of them during a show. One good option on some Hulu shows is the option to watch one very long advertisement at the beginning and then you can watch the rest of your show without any comm breaks. Netflix on the other hand does not have any advertisements at all. Not during shows or movies and not on its website. Netflix allows you to stream content through almost all major media devices. From phones to movie theaters and every size, make and model in between the internet content providers are here.

Too bad you still have to pay for internet access. When that is free I will be happy about that.

Entertainment will keep changing but it will only get more mobile and more interesting. It will evolve around viewers instead of around large corporations. Well at least it could or it might just seem like it’s controlled by we the people but really some group is manipulating the system and controlling it from the inside and it’s all based on a lie. In any case it is evolving and creating its own economy and we are all a part of that system. We vote with our wallets and our mices.

Come What May

What may come to pass will last until the past comes back to me.
In my dreams I see strange things but what do they mean?
It seems to be nothing.

But if I'm wrong am I strong enough for the long haul to come?
Understanding the demanding pressure that comes from just standing.

Sitting, sleeping or just quietly listening.
The glistening gleam in the seam of my pupil.
A scoopful of death upon life's lonely scream.

Lean on me constantly and I'll fall from the weight of this great thing you call fate.

With Jealousy, Greed, An abundance of weed. Without seed, stem or need.
That need to be free.
That need to be me.
Unless it's not meant to be.
In my rearview mirror I see a backwards eye whose red matches the red from the cruiser's lights.
Police at my back but they just want to pass to I laugh.

Think about this: Written 2-24-10

Think about this: If we could look at a proton and we found that written on it was a very small logo and that logo said something like, "IBM: Simulation Particle1," or "Made in China," or "Kay-If you’re reading this call 1800..." What would that do to our idea of reality, God, and "purpose?"

Also, let’s suspend disbelief for a moment and accept the intelligent design idea. Ok, so something super intelligent, maybe future humans who created a perfect simulation that we live in, so what? What's next and where do we go from there? It solves nothing to invoke an intelligence of the universe creating kind.

If the universe was designed by an intelligent thing then humans are not what it cares about. It would seem that stars, gas and emptiness are what are important to that intelligent creator.---If there were no people would there be a need to invoke the idea of an intelligent creator?--- Does intelligence exist and if people are individually intelligent it seems that we are collectively stupid?

If not P then Q… Written 1-19-07

This is a poem I wrote when I was feeling lost in the world of college and I was not sure of what I should do or where I wanted to go.

If not P then Q...

Jumping through hoops and losing interest,

So much of nothing and not enough of something,

Maybe I'm apathetic, or just afraid of commitment,

But I can't decide if I'm here or leaving.

Wasting time with prereques and overlaps,

Wasting money on books and supplies,

Paper or plastic, Ink or machine?

These are a few of my favorite things.

"Whatever," is the cry of MY generation,

Weeping I cry, "Whatever!"                            

Time will tell the tale of my fate,

And I will see what whatever brings.

"The Mark of the Beast" Written 11-26-06

“Mark of the beast”

            This quote comes from Christian doctrine and refers to the number 666, and in the myth of the antichrist refers to a physical marking used to differentiate followers of the antichrist and the followers of god. The actual form of the mark is the subject of debate among those who wish to ignorantly look into a theoretical future.  All of this background interests me minimally at best, but the phrase “mark of the beast” can have a very simple translation and I choose to look at it in a nontraditional way.

            The only beast that has periodically destroyed ‘anything’ and ‘everything’ at whim and for little natural benefit is mankind. Now by anything I mean, for example, that a man in his deepest despair is capable of horrendously irrational decisions manifested by destructive actions: rape and murder come to mind most readily. Anything refers to anything that will satisfy a need or desire. Drugs, money, and food are all motivations that can take over positive social constructions like dignity, decency, or morals. The beast lies within us and like animals we are interested in survival.

            Now by everything I mean that history has shown that warring peoples destroy life on a scale that not even the most explosive volcano, most destructive earthquake, terrible tornado, or any other natural disaster could overwhelm. Today’s weapons technologies have put the world in a state of paranoia and for good reason. If more than one country were to successfully detonate a large nuclear bomb then all human races would, by my prediction, be doomed.  

            The mark, as I choose to loosely translate it, refers to any physical mark that distinguishes one person from another in a unique way, whether it’s a birth mark, a face, a fingerprint etc. Today’s science knowledge has made advances in this area. To be specific, fingerprints have been used to solve crimes. Fingerprints are left behind anywhere a human has been unless they use some strategy to hide these traces, whether it is for sinister means or not.

            Nevertheless, fingerprints mark people and people are beasts to themselves, each other, and everything else. Take a fingerprint analysis and if you can determine that it comes from a human than you have found the mark of the beast. The same goes for anything that identifies humans such as DNA, artifacts, and ancient structures. These are marks on the world and we are the beasts that make them. Whether or not the bible successfully predicts a mark related to the devil we have already shown ourselves to be capable of the worst things.