My Favorite Photos from 2017

Photo Journal 12/20/2017

Canon 80D with 24-105 F4.0 L Lens, Kenko Extension Tubes. 

Photo Journal 12/16/2017

Photos from hiking around Powell Butte, Portland, OR

Dialogue Practice 2: Jordan Peterson, Inequality and Government

Calvin and Danny are walking in a forest with cameras.

Calvin: I think you would enjoy the Jordan Peterson podcast. He talks about human behavior and philosophy. He's a clinical psychologist, a researcher, and a professor. He's a fucking genius. He talks as if he's thought about whatever it is more than anyone else has. It's like he's going out of his way to explain complicated things in a way that most people would understand. He uses metaphors and stories to illustrate ideas.

Danny: I love Peterson. He's great. I  was just listening to the one where he is talking to a researcher about income inequality. And how it isn't inequality in general but relative inequality that causes more crimes. If men feel like there is no hope of making it up the hierarchy then they resort to violence. They double down on the virtues of strength and courage by intimidating others and robbing and killing.

Calvin: They show everyone how important they are by rising in the physical strength hierarchy instead of the financial one. That is a problem for sure. People have to have hope or they become disillusioned with life and begin to resent it. The really poor don't have much to lose if they steal or do other violent shit. Especially if it means they can make some money.

Danny: I think we need to have lots of job opportunities and we have to legalize or decriminalize all the drugs. Make drugs legal and allow people to sell it and the government can make a little off the top like they always do and teach people the dangers of drugs and teach kids to be choosy who they fuck because if you have a kid with a meth addict, good luck paying for that kid. Gotta get rid of easy access welfare for shitty moms and dad's who can't afford children so that there are consequences to making bad decisions.

Calvin: More jobs, more accountability, and more freedom.

Danny: And less taxes.

Calvin: Yeah. Give me my fuckin money back. That's why I think we should go to a flat tax for people above a certain level. It's the fairest and it forces the government to determine what is really important and keeps them as big as the rest of society. They get to be 20% partners for managing the public's shared assets. Or whatever percentage makes sense.

Danny: I think that no matter the tax rate there is no mechanism for a revolutionary idea like that take be implemented and the people who would implement it would be the most negatively affected by it so there is no incentive for them to do it. The government does not make drastic changes. The government is huge and slow and not designed to make big "scary" changes. It could be disastrous, by the way. Who knows what would happen with all that wealth just piling up in free people's hands.

Calvin: But what happens when the rich decide to overthrow the government? If a really fucking rich guy decides to create an army of robot drones to take over the government then doesn't the government have to, at the least, have a big enough military budget to stop anything like that from happening? In order to maintain power in a region, a government has to maintain physical superiority and some regulation on the use of violence. Either it maintains a monopoly on power or it has to highly regulate the production and possession of guns and bombs and militaries and such.

Danny: And such. I agree. So there is nothing we can do to change the government system?

Calvin: Not really. Maybe you can vote on a few things or people and locally you matter more but the system has deep roots and a lot of support. And revolutions mean violence so that is not a good alternative. I think the only way is through time and patience and people will gradually steer toward peace. I think we all long for peace but find ourselves amongst violence and dangers. So we adapt and survive.

Danny: As long as people choose negotiation over force there can be peace. Do governments, with their monopoly on force, create a safe space for commerce. Since they enforce laws they make sure that people pay their debts or steal or murder their competition. How do you have a foundation for the creation of free trade without some sort of authority?

Calvin: Maybe humans can grow out of the instinct to survive at any cost or things become so good and people have so much hope for the future that they don't need to fight. I don't know.

Danny: I don't either. Oh, look at that!

They two pull their cameras to their eyes and start snapping photos of the deer running through the meadow.

Dialogue Practice 1: Star Wars Episode 8

Act 1
Scene 1
Interior: Kitchen: Morning
Abernathy and Baxter are eating cereal and discussing the new Star Wars movie. Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi.

Abernathy: Kylo isn't going to die in the second movie. He might lose a body part or get some more scars, or something but there is no way he dies. This isn't the last movie and he's the main bad guy.

Baxter: Obi-wan died in the first movie.

Abernathy: Yeah, but he's old. He taught Luke what he needed and wanted to become a ghost so he let himself die. Kylo isn't Obi-Wan. He's young and powerful. He's interested in taking over the universe, not becoming a ghost teacher.

Baxter: You're not wrong about that. So he might lose a limb?

Abernathy: Or he will be more powerful than ever and no one will be able to touch him. Except at the end, when he meets up with the newly trained Rey.

Baxter: Or, he loses a thumb. And then he gets a robot thumb.

Abernathy: Why does something bad have to happen to Kylo, anyway?

Baxter: Because he's the bad guy.

Abernathy: So. It's the good guys that have to overcome adversity in order to become strong enough to defeat the bad guys, who always seem more powerful at first but in the end, it's their flaws that kill them. Jealousy, greed, an abundance of rage. For example. Whereas the good guys overcome their flaws by facing them and conquering them. The villain doesn't require strife to remain a villain.

Baxter: But it feels good when the bad guy gets hurt or dies.

Abernathy: Of course it does, but you can't give the audience too much satisfaction all at once or you will have nothing at the end. No satisfying death scene or triumphant climax. The bad guy has to get stronger too. But only by doubling down on their flaws which leads to their demise.

Baxter: I wonder if Chewbacca will die?

Abernathy: Jesus Christ! Does someone have to die? Han Solo just died! There is no way they kill off Chewbacca this soon. Maybe at the very end. No. He'll probably have kids after the war and name them Han and Leia or something stupid. Chewbacca. What is wrong with you?

Baxter: If they kill Chewbacca there would be an even greater reason to hate Kylo Ren.

Abernathy: That's true but it's overkill. If anyone dies it will be Luke. He's old and perfectly suited to die for the cause. Probably saving Rey against Kylo as his rage and cunning are too much for her as of yet.

Baxter: As of yet?

Abernathy: Yeah, she needs Luke's sacrifice to push her over the emotional edge so she can defeat Kylo. And since he isn't a father he has no motivation to redeem himself like Vader, whom he idolizes, which is ironic because if he knew about how Vader changed his mind at the end of the third movie he might not have ended up a bad guy. He was trained by Luke, then seduced by Andy Serkis and then became drunk with power and it seems no one told him that Vader threw the emperor over the edge and renounced the dark side?

Baxter: No I meant, who says "As of yet"?

Abernathy looks at Baxter scathingly. Abernathy stands up, walks to the door where he picks up his briefcase and opens the door.

Abernathy: Have a good day at school.

Baxter: Keep it 100.

Act 2
Scene 1

Exterior: Backyard: Evening
Abernathy and Baxter are playing hacky sack discussing the new Star Wars movie.

Abernathy: I'm not sure why the androids always have a sense of humor. Maybe it's because their AI is so advanced that they have personalities. What do you think?

Baxter: I think they can say things that people can't say. So they show how silly humans are. They can talk about how emotional humans are or something. Which is funny. Cause it's true.

Abernathy: It is weird that the androids tend to break up the drama. Maybe that's because they are so smart and logical that they can say things that people would normally not out of courtesy or ego.

Baxter: Yeah. Maybe they are like people with Aspergers. Really smart but socially awkward. C3PO is pretty Aspergery.

Abernathy: The one in Rogue One was one of the only funny characters in that. They are wild cards for the writers. A robot doesn't have the same emotional connection with the audience so it doesn't have to have a normal story arch or payoff. It stands on its own in a way. It's an outsider to the rest of the characters.

Baxter: R2D2 is definitely Autistic.

A Little Bit of Trauma Goes a Long Way

Getting bitten by your friend's dog sucks. Before this year I had never been bitten by any animal but earlier this year my friend's little rascal bit me in the calf. I grew up with dogs and had my own for a few years. I think that dogs are by far the most amazing companion pets but I now have a wariness that I did not have before. When I am on the street or out in public and I see a stranger's dog I do not assume that it is friendly anymore. Now I imagine it attacking me. The thought is fleeting but it was never there before. The purely innocent perception that I once felt toward the creatures as a species has been forever altered and I think it is for the good. 

It is important to be confronted with reality from time to time and while it can be traumatizing it can teach a permanent lesson. In this case, the lesson is to be on your toes and pay attention. Also, to trust your gut. Prior to getting bitten, there were many warning signs but my brother, the dog's owner and I did not want to admit that there was a real problem. The dog had nipped at multiple people long before we took the camping trip where the fateful bite occurred. Even the day we set out on the trip the dog was agitated and nearly bit my brother's hand. 

Some background on the dog. My friend had purchased the whippet-mix from the pound in the hopes of rescuing it and from what I was told it hadn't had any issues before he got the dog. It was around 3 years old at the time and I think it had issues that it's prior owners did not disclose or it was treated very poorly early on in its life but I don't know for sure. Either that or it is just fucked in the head, or both but either way, the dog has severe aggression problems.

The experience itself seemed to come out of nowhere but as I mentioned above I should have seen it coming and should not have been complacent. We had settled into our campsite and the dog and its owner were at the site while my brother and I walked to the car to get something. We walked back to the site where the dog was on a long lead. As we approached the dog ran full speed at me and closed the distance in milliseconds. Whippets are bred for speed. It bit down on my left calf for just a moment and broke through my jeans and skin leaving distinct bite marks and a little blood. It was more surprising than painful and its owner jumped up immediately took control. I wasn't worried about any diseases as dogs from pounds have all their shots but thinking back it would have been a good idea to get checked.

I was impressed with my friend, who took responsibility for the situation and apologized profusely over the next couple of days. He and the dog slept in the car that night and he took it home in the morning. When he returned we had a relatively good time hanging out and camping. Given the situation, we were all a little down but we made the best of it. We finished up the weekend and my friend explained how he was planning on taking the dog through extensive training and was going to work with vets to make sure the aggression wasn't due to any physical problems.

Personally, I think that the dog is a lost cause. I could be wrong and it might be my bias but in my experience, an adult dog with major aggression problems may not be fixed and becomes more trouble than it's worth. My friend is not so inclined and I commend him on his resolve and commitment to keeping a troubled dog and trying to make the best of it. Unfortunately, it may create barriers in his relationships and social life but I'm sure he can work around it. I am not interested in being around that dog again and it has permanently changed the way I think about dogs.

I love dogs and I feel bad for the dog that bit me. I'm sure that it was not treated well and was either intentionally or unintentionally trained to act the way it does. While the event did create a bit of a tension my friend's reaction to it was appropriate and I harbor no ill will toward him. I still think of him as a friend and hope that his dog gets better. This experience has helped me understand how a little bit of trauma can permanently change how you think about the world and its possibilities. In a small way, I understand dogs, people, and the world better because of it.

That is a picture of the cutie that bit me.

Also, here are a couple of videos of a dog I used to own named Wowzer whom I love very much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3tOoeiQst8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUhK6kei8pM

Imagining what I might ask Sam Harris about his belief in Determinism

I get how you can stick with determinism and still hold people accountable purely as a logical way to maintain society but how do you hold yourself responsible if you truly believe that you are not the author of your behavior and thoughts? When you accomplish a goal how do you celebrate when there is no "one" to celebrate? When you make a mistake who do you blame if you truly believe that there is no "self". Do you go to bed at night attempting deeply to convince yourself that the thoughts in your head are completely out of your control? Isn't meditating an example of how thoughts influence behavior? And mediating, in turn, influences thoughts and behaviors but who decided to start meditating? If thoughts cannot affect behavior then why attempt to control them, understand them or otherwise think of them in any positive regard. They are just the whisperings of neurological fireworks. Just a show to keep some observer busy? When you sit to write, isn't that an example of thoughts directly influencing outward behavior? Then why is it so hard to imagine that thoughts can also affect the world? I guess Sam Harris doesn't think that thoughts cannot affect the world, just that there are no authors to thoughts. That they are outcomes of prior causes and effects and no more under our control than a rock falling down a mountain can control how it falls. But people can control how they fall? They build things and experiment and communicate. How is that not an example of the massive difference between people and everything else? If the universe is simply a series of perfectly predictable causes and effects then humans are no different so just because humans do things differently doesn't make them special or different. If the universe is fundamentally unpredictable due to the uncertainty inherent in physics doesn't that mean that determinism can't be true? Or at least that there is some room for chaos and uncertainty. Which might be where consciousness and free will preside. IDK. Maybe free will is a non-absolute term that simply refers to the perception that a conscious effort has been made toward realizing a goal. Or it is the ability to recognize the difference between the current state and an ideal state and working toward bridging that gap? Maybe it is just another name for taking responsibility even when we know we don't control everything.

More than Justice

Why are we not satisfied with the prosecution of a mass shooter or terrorist? 

Maybe it is due to the mysterious nature of these crimes that we crave additional action. They come out of nowhere and strike the innocent with violence that shocks and infuriates. These acts remind us that we are not in total control over the environment and that the barbarism of our past has not been lost to modernity. While violence in the world is going down we still find ourselves subject to nature's wrath but when it is by human hands we seek explanation and prevention. 

But how can you prevent psychopathy, sadism and violent ideology? Many want to take away the tools of such violence but this does not seem to satisfy the masses. Maybe it is because deep down we know that no matter the restrictions people are clever enough to circumvent them. Maybe, deep down we know that no matter what we do we won't be able to stop these kinds of acts of violence. We distract ourselves with ideas of prevention because we don't want to admit the terrible truth that what creates these kinds of people is a combination of biological predispositions and environmentally mediated influences. To regulate is reactionary and by the time the terrorist kills or the active shooter shoots it is too late. We have to go deeper, to the life of these people, not just their last acts. 

All the mechanisms that could prevent these acts are in the communities, families and cultural values that the people that commit them have experienced. Why do we not blame those that encouraged the violence? Why don't we blame the family that ignored their child or abused their child, creating in them a resentment and hatred of others? Why don't we blame the religious leaders and apologists for not disavowing all that would commit these acts? 

We do not do this because we don't want to admit that we are the problem and that the problem is amazingly difficult to solve. There is no one solution to solving these issues. Things can only change when we are brave enough to stand up to violent ideologies, hold parents accountable and understand biological predispositions.  

We must also realize that no matter what we do to regulate, teach and influence others the universe is cruel and we all die. As long as we care about each other we will experience sorrow and anger and it is in those times that we need to look at our own roles in the destruction of civilization. What we do in our day to day lives has an effect on the world around us and it is in the daily decisions that we define our values.

Maybe the next time we encounter the aftermath of a mass shooter or terrorist bombing we will understand that it is the society that we have created, the decisions of individuals and the cruelty of nature that we see in those acts and begin to take responsibility for the world around us. 

The Myth of Why Men Shave

A long time ago men used to be proud of their beards and even more proud of their skills in combat. They were warriors and their beards were symbols of their strength and power.

Then one day, during a great battle, one man grabbed another man by the beard and pulled his face into an ax. 

From then on men were afraid that their beards would be used against them, so they decided to shave their beards and always keep them short. It was known that, "The man with the smoothest face has the sharpest blade." The men carried their blades for a time but as things changed and blades turned to words they put down their weapons and put on suits and ties and took on a new battle. That's why business men always have smoothest faces. 

But as time goes by and life becomes more comfortable and conflict is in decline the men are growing their beards back. 

Optimism and Play

“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.” Yoda

Engineer life around play. If you can choose your way through life then why choose to see everything as work when you can choose to see life as an opportunity to play? I want to choose to play more in my life even though I don't fully understand what that means for a 33-year-old man in 2017.

Forgetting my youthful exuberance is a tragedy I hope to avoid but sadly I forget it's power.

I believe at some point our self-consciousness builds and if it is not put into balance with objectivity we forget to live openly. In filtering our behavior to match a self-imposed social expectation we lose the joy that comes from a lack of inhibition. Many turn to alcohol to regain this feeling but I would like to attempt to implement the philosophy of play in every endeavor I engage in. This will be exceptionally difficult but I think that deep down inside myself there is an optimistic child that is not completely lost to the sands of maturation and socialization.

The best part about this psychological disposition toward life is that a creative person can play anywhere. As an adult, you don't have to do many things. You have to eat, sleep and live and there are endless combinations of potential solutions for accomplishing these basic requirements. In America, once you have the money to pay your bills consistently you are free to do whatever you want. Of course, you are limited by the resources you have to acquire objects and experiences but at no time are you required to feel a certain way about yourself and life by an outside source. You are free to view your circumstances in whichever way you choose and whether you are pessimistic or optimistic will determine your outlook and emotional reactions. I believe optimism is a prerequisite to play and pessimism is a prerequisite to nihilism and the negative definition of work.

You can choose to see yourself as a victim of life or as a player of life but either way, it is a choice that affects your well being as well as the well being of those around you. Take responsibility for your life and become its master or you will be a slave to the negative emotions and outcomes of a life lived in the dreary landscape of nihilism.

Victims require villains. Villains are to be feared. Fear leads to hate and resentment. Resentment festers and violence ensues. The dark side can only be mitigated by the light of hope.

At least that is what I keep telling myself and I think it really matters. I am not predisposed to thinking this way but I will try.

Reasons to be optimistic:

45 Benefits of Optimism by 

https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2010/03/24/benefits-of-optimism/https://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2010/03/24/benefits-of-optimism/

Stuart Brown: Play is more than fun

Bro Virtue Signalling

"Bro Virtue Signalling, or BVS, is when someone who is super cool also espouses virtues in a cool way. It is important that the signal is not preachy or trying to actually make someone feel worthless. It has to be empowering being perceived as being a "big deal". 

I thought of this while listening to The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and the Your Mom's House podcast. In both of these podcasts the comedians that host them make fun of each other in the direction of persuading them of the value of good health. The fat shaming event that Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura engaged in earlier this year went viral and became a huge story. What's interesting is that the entire campaign was centered around a bet between the two out of shape comedians to lose weight. Whomever got the lower BMI rating would win and while the contest went on people from all over the world got in on the jokes and jeering. 

This kind of subtle promotion of the virtue of healthier living with the use of crude and "bro" humor is one of the reasons why these comedians and podcasts are so popular. They are not devoid of ethics. They simply hide their virtue signals among vulgar language and sometimes brutal masculine japery. It speaks to the complicated nature of communication and friendship. Friends, especially males, do not always come straight out and say, "I care about you and I think your weight it is unhealthy," but instead say the same thing by saying, "I bet you can't run a mile, because your so fat." It's blunt and to those listening may come off as rude but it's bite is in proportion to the care the one has for the other. 

Another example of this can be seen in the crowning of champions for various activities on the Your Mom's House Podcast between the two hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura (husband and wife). In between the fart jokes and insane YouTube clips the two comedians throw in little virtue signals that promote a healthier lifestyle without being preachy. They have a running joke that one of them is the "water champion" and while no one is a clear winner the real goal of the competition is to promote the healthy behavior of drinking more water. Considering the two just had their first child I think that this is another example of how adults can mature while remaining true to themselves.

I highly recommend you check out these podcasts:

http://www.yourmomshousepodcast.com/

http://podcasts.joerogan.net/

Asshole Ideologies

Some causes are worth fighting and dying for, but some causes are merely justifications for assholes to group together to enact their hatred on others. They resent humanity, life and their own lack of worth so they project their insecurities and malice outward to those their cause deems evil. And in the name of slaying the "evil" they become evil. Their misguided morality leads them to cause chaos and harm to the innocent and guilty alike. They're not guided by reasonable moral principles but instead they lash out at their enemies whom they have labeled their enemy based on superficial reasons. They hate those that do not share their race, gender, political affiliation, religious beliefs, or sexual orientation and boil all of ethics into an use vs them race to the grave.

As the violence escalates and ideologies clash it is up to individuals to decide whether or not they will be an asshole today. What's an asshole you ask?

Assholes wear masks because they do not want to be responsible for their actions. Assholes go to pick a fight when the other person clearly doesn't want one. Assholes blow up civilians because they know that if they were to enact their irrational war on their true enemy they would lose in a second. Assholes shoot drive cars into crowds hoping to hurt and kill people with signs. Assholes go around hating on people instead of building them up or ignoring them. Assholes don't negotiate. Assholes sign away lives in wars for selfish and psychotic reasons. Assholes sign laws into place for the sake of votes alone, neglecting philosophical principles and decency.

Assholes steal your stereo face plate but leave the stereo. You stupid mother fuckers!

Ideologies that include justifications for violence based on superficial features are problematic for anyone interested in peace.

What if all the sentences for criminals were voted on by large numbers of people online? After a trial takes place and someone is found guilty, the public is given a set of choices for sentencing and the outcome is determined by a mix of public vote and judge consensus. Certified judges would get paid to listen in on the trials and determine whether or not the public came to an acceptable decision. If the public were to write-in a sentence that was outrageous then the judges would reject the decision and it would go up again or be put to a smaller judgement pool of deciders. I think the American public would eat this idea up in a second.

That last paragraph aside I wonder how I would instill my value system in others if I could. How would I justify my moral presuppositions? How would I convince someone that they are wrong when they believe so passionately that what they are doing is right. So much so that they are willing to kill and/or die to prove it? I do know that it is impossible to have the kinds of conversations that lead humans toward more peace when you are being bombed, poisoned, bashed, stabbed, gassed or otherwise threatened by someone else's ideological battle ax.

Maybe I just haven't seen enough strife or misery in my life to feel the need for the hopeful embrace of ideological warfare but I think that part of what has lead to more and more people living lives free from violence comes from sticking to universal moral principles such as respect for property rights which includes bodily rights. It's not that you punish someone for breaking laws but that you protect those worth protecting from those that would take their property, life or general freedom.

Paying attention: A Retail Perspective

Click here to get more!

Try to not ignore anyone.

This does not mean give everyone your undying attention but it does mean when the door opens you look up and see who is there. A second's worth of eye contact is enough for those walking in to know that you know that they exist. It also tells the customer you are currently helping that you pay attention to more than just your immediate surroundings. Situational awareness is practiced with deliberation in the military and police because being aware, even if only subconsciously through practicing attentiveness, can prepare someone for potentially dangerous encounters. The good news for retail is that it also creates an increased sense of personal service and attention for normal customers.

For anyone working in retail or any other occupation that requires the facilitation of large numbers of people I recommend doing your best to say "hi" or nod or otherwise make customers know that you know they are there. You can't help everyone at once but a customer who thinks they do not matter will become resentful and bitter. They will remember all the times they were ignored by family, teachers, and friends and they will demand your attention or walk away. They may mutter, scream or leave in a huff and it will have been a general failure.

It is also important that employees take ownership of their space through their physical and ocular presence. Paying attention and being proactive are the best ways to provide great customer service while maintaining authority and supports a degree of safety. While paying attention alone is not a full-proof method for warding off evildoers, it is part of the foundation that builds a well-rounded worker and person. 

30 Days of Fiction: 18

A single dim light could be seen in the darkness. I could see it pulsating in and out as I drew nearer to the source and it grew brighter. A tall figure began to take shape and soon I stood a few feet away from a tall man in a long dark overcoat. His face was covered by the brim of a wide black hat until he lifted his face as if he just realized I was there.

"You him?" he said as he lift the right side of his coat to reveal a Colt peacemaker. He put the cigarette out on the leathery holster and looked up. 

"I'm the one you've called for. To come out to the edge of this field. In the shade of these trees to meet," I said, hoping he would mistake my nervous chatter for rugged indifference. 

The man looked me up and down with distrust and curiosity and then said, "Well, alright. Come with me, then."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what this is all about, Mister Carter," I said and added quickly, "with all do respect."

His face softened slightly after my "with all do respect" and he walked forward and leaned in close. He took a firm grip on my shoulder and whispered, "You'll see." He smiled as he turned and started to walk into the darkness of the forest. I was compelled to follow. After about twenty minutes of slow, silent meandering through black cottonwood and red alder another glowing light was beginning to grow and widen. 

Approaching the raging bonfire my heart quickened as the figures of men began to take shape against the light. They circled the fire, all with the same hats, jackets and soulless eyes and among, somewhere, was the one I had followed here. Stepping closer to the fire, almost joining them, I began to notice that they were all the same. Not just in dress but in their faces as well. Fifteen clones all looking at me, waiting for me to take that last step. 

What happens if I join them, I asked myself. Would I become one of them or would they devour my flesh and through my bones in the fire? Or should I run for it? 

Just then a voice came from one of them and none of them saying, "All you need to do is take one more step and we will tell you why you are here. Why you have been chosen.  I will tell you everything. But first, you must join us in the circle."

They stared and my foot began to rise up and I stared at it as it dropped forward compelling the rest of my body forward. As soon as I felt the ground underneath me the world began to spin and the bright light of the fire faded sharply to black. 

A moment later I was back in my room, my eyes adjusting to the darkness and my mind adjusting to the rude awakening of reality. 

30 Days of Fiction: 17

Thomas Kilborn sat as far back as he could in his lazy boy recliner thinking about what to do next. He'd been staring at the ceiling for about twenty minutes but was no closer to making a decision then he was thirty minutes ago, which was when he put himself in the position of having to make this decision. Was it to be the pink one or the black one? Ultimately he would have both soon enough but this exact opportunity would likely never present itself again. There might be more opportunities to bask in the glorious feeling that indulging himself in these delights lends itself but it would only be an attempt at impersonating this event and therefore never be as sweet. This was it. His only chance to make the right decision and he had to make it soon.

He dropped his head suddenly sending his body down and his head forward as the chair rapidly transformed from a pseudo-bed into an infinitely plush chair. He stood up and waved his finger at the sky swiftly, shaking his head from side to side in a fevered show of positivity and revelation. He meandered around the coffee table and slinked into the next room where the source of his indecision and resulting apoplexy was now residing. He fixed his gaze on the pink one and he couldn't tell if it was mocking him or not. It seemed to be mocking him with it's feminine brightness and judging undertones but maybe not. He did not like the pink one. Of that he was sure.

Just then, in a moment of weakness he entertained a peripheral temptation and focused his gaze on the brown one. It was just as menacing as the pink one and he began to pace faster around the table where his potential victims lay helplessly. The brown one was so dull and ugly, how could he not eat that one? He was thinking this when another thought came barging into his mental mayhem that was his mind and he was struck with another revelation. Was it inevitable that he would devour one or more of these mortal creatures or could he spare them, just for now, and take them later? It would be a good exercise in self control.

He squirmed out of the room as swiftly and clumsily as he had entered it a few minutes earlier and into the living room. Back in his chair he sat with his head cradled by his soft hands and he did his best to think about something else. Cars, no. Baseball, no. But when knives came up he began to follow a train of thought through a winding trail of brands, steels, materials and purposes, which ultimately led to knowledge that knives are used to cut things. He remembered how much he wanted to cut one of them or maybe, if he had no self control this time, he would cut into both of them and pay no mind to the satisfaction of taking them slowly. He wanted to just take them both now and be done with it.

Slowly he arose like a devious demon and slinked over to the counter as quietly as he could. When he felt how well his socks masked his steps he smiled and in no time he was grasping a long silver blade. As he brought it up it shimmered for just a moment before Thomas began his final trek toward the culmination of his contemplation. The end to the torment caused by his own indecision. His heart began to beat uncontrollably in his chest and his eyes widened as the two of them came into view. He felt the power of the tightly gripped knife in his hand and the anticipation of that wonderful feeling he would feel during the act was intoxicating, filling him with warmth.

Without hesitation the strong blade slammed down on the pink one severing it in two, nearly equal, parts revealing it's insides and a red paste began to ooze onto the table. Then, with another swift, vertical blow the brown one was split in twain but this time a dark brown liquid began to poor madly out of the wound mixing with the red paste, conducting a kind of sick alchemy of sweet, sticky goodness. Thomas began to cackle and dance around the table chanting, "hey yuh, hey yuh, hey yuh," like a barbarian at a victory feast as bits of red and strings of brown spattered onto the ground and cabinets.

He stopped his triumphant dance when he felt the event had been properly celebrated, which turned out to be immediately after he noticed the mess he was creating and remembered how much he hated cleaning up, and then looked down on the soft, gooey, clumps on the table and realized that he hadn't solved his problem at all. Now there were two pink ones, and two brown ones, which was worse than before. Then, Thomas remembered that there was a quarter in the drawer at his six o'clock and in one quick jump he twisted around now facing the opposite direction. The drawer was full of miscellaneous items, odds and ends and just a second after he pricked his hand by something sharp he felt the quarter lying on the bottom.

In another death defying spinning jump move he was facing his victims once more and his mouth began to water. The coin flipped precipitously and in slow motion toward the sky, then back down and spun on the edge of the counter for just a moment before falling to the floor. Thomas lurched downward nearly impaling himself on the blunt side of the tabletop and looked at the coin. Heads it was and with joyous resolve he stood up, also in slow motion, and grabbed the top half of the chocolate filled eclair and with generous gusto jammed it into his gaping mouth. For minutes to come, underneath the sugary treat, could be heard the sound of many muffled and glorious giggles.

Mosquitoes and Pride

Zen and the Art of Mosquitoes

We had been seriously planning the trip for a couple of weeks and the anticipation and excitement grew as the day came closer. By Thursday, the day before the big trip, My brother, his wife, their son and I were all ready to backpack and camp at Waldo Lake. I bought a new hatchet, sleeping pad, pillow, buff and my brother had given me a new sleeping bag and I do enjoy new gear. (Side note: I continue to confuse the word sleeping bag with the word backpack. They are related but distinct items and yet they are inexorably connected in my mind.) Josh and I had been there before and it was amazing. My brother, his friend Martin and I arrived at the boat launch at dusk, traveled by boat in the pitch black, slept on a peninsula, found a beach the next day, canoed around the crystal clear lake and went on an epic day hike. It was an amazing trip and one that I was not hesitant to duplicate in any way.

We drove for four hours and at the end of an extremely long and rock strewn road we stopped at the Koch Mountain Trailhead in the Willamette National Forest. (Side note: A mid sized black bear crossed in front of us on the way up and I will never forgive myself for not catching it on film. I had the camera right there, plenty of battery and tons of storage. I guess you never know what will happen out in the Pacific Northwest Wilderness.) If I had the predilection for being loyal to a particular plot of land it would be to the PNW even though it can be a scary and unpredictable place. 

At the beginning of the trailhead we noticed a few mosquitoes buzzing around so we quickly sprayed and lotioned ourselves and each other with repellent and made our way down the trail. It was about a mile and a half to our prospective campsite, which was a site to behold, with it's easy access to swimming, hiking trails and it's wide open floor plan with ample enough space for a tent or two, a hefty fire pit and what not. Or at least it would have been if we had a moment to enjoy it. 

An hour in and the group's enthusiasm was still intact and when we made it to the site we looked at the beautiful lake, made camp and then jumped in the freezing water to cool off. I'd be willing to guess that this particular lake was the remnant of a long dead glacier and I'm certain it is about 5,500 feet above sea level, so it was cold as fuck. Also, it was barely summer so it hadn't had any time to warm up from the previous season. 

Back at camp we made fire and food and quickly realized the fire was not enough to ward off the thousands and thousands of mosquitoes that were frantically attempting to suck our blood. While smacking and slapping ourselves crazy we decided to wait them out in the tent, assuming that these things probably had a bedtime. Later in the evening we found out they don't really give a fuck about anything other than eating you.  Other then to make one mad dash to get supplies, put the food in a tree, stoke the fire and try to pee while persistent buzzing and whirring beasts pecked at every part of you, we stayed in the tent all night. Our only hope was that they would lessen in the morning.

View From Waldo Lake

They did not. The morning was no better and I would have sworn that these mosquitoes were freshly born and doubly motivated. So we planned our escape. My brother and I packed everything outside the tent while the other two packed everything inside the tent. We did have some effective deet repellent which made it more bearable but it was still a frenzied race against the hordes. We worked as a team and packed up in record time. The trail back to the safety of the car was mostly uphill so we had to take a couple of quick breaks before we made it to our sanctuary. Tired and weary we drove back in solemn relief. That first coffee was delicious. 

Back at home we compared bites and looked up remedies online. It became a disciplined practice to refrain from scratching all the red pestering bumps and I found myself trying to find anything to distract myself from the desire to scratch. We looked at pictures and video from the trip and generally chilled out. It was an arduous adventure and it was too bad that the mosquitoes won the day but we all learned something about camping at Waldo Lake in the early summer. 

Creeks and Pride

The next day my brother and I decided to make the most of the sun and day off so we got our swimming gear together and made our way to Sandy River. After searching for the perfect spot we ended up finding something very off the beaten path. We parked by a trail off the road, away from the masses of summer enthusiasts and found a creek flowing toward the main river. We followed the creek a ways until we found a spot that was just deep enough to shallow dive and keep cool. I have always enjoyed diving into rivers and lakes and to me there are few activities I enjoy more. I remember when I was a teen my friend Anthony and I would spend hours on the extremely dark and deep river that flows alongside the small, rural town of Elkton, where he lived. The idea of just laying in shallow water seems mostly pointless so I was very excited that we could find such a cool spot and the fact that not many others knew about it was even better.

The water was somewhat murky and dark but not too deep. Maybe a little over four feet but a shallow dive was all I wanted. As we began to swim my brother divulged his trepidation and anxiety induced by the potential dangers of swimming in such an environment. He was worried that there might be something "down there" that might cause harm which was something that I almost didn't think of at all. All I wanted to do was make sure I wouldn't hit my head on a rock and other than that I was ready to go. I suppose I was surprised to find out that there was something that I was not anxious about but that my brother was. He was always the brave one, the risk taker and certainly someone I look at as being capable of anything. For most of my life I've felt nervous, anxious and awkward so finding out that I contained a superior amount of chutzpah in regards to a something gave me just a tinge of pride. 

Overall I really enjoyed the entire weekend, mosquitoes and all. There is something about self inflicted adversity coupled with the pride of overcoming that adversity that helps redefine what is possible and how strong you can be.  Consciously attempting to maintain a positive attitude when things don't go as planned is a worthwhile endeavor and something I want to discipline myself more to do. As I sit and look at all the red bumps all over my body I can look at them with pride and know that they are just another example of how I can work harder to develop myself as a strong and capable person. What doesn't kill you can make you weaker, it can make you stronger or it can make you the same, because those are the options. Or it can make you weaker in one area and stronger in another, maybe? Maybe it was just the boost in vitamin D that influenced my positive outlook over that weekend. No one will ever know.

Media Supplements:
My first trip to Waldo Lake:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1Az1t31H8s

This year's trip video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xotcZE08oFo&t=2s

Waldo Lake

Creek Trail

30 Days of Fiction: 16

He walked into the dingy bar like he owned the joint, partly because he was the owner and partly because he was so full of self-made confidence that most people thought he owned things when he was around. He loved owning that bar, even if he wasn't there more then once a month lately it was still his favorite. The bar was his baby, his first business and his first real love. The place had a smell all it's own and it reminded him of long nights serving drinks and the many drunken bastards that he had dispatched during the early years. Those were the days.

He had made something from nothing and now he owned a string of bars and restaurants spanning three states and over twenty locations but this was the only one that looked like it hadn't changed since the 90's and he liked it that way. All of his other properties were new and had a theme of some sort that his marketing managers cooked up but this one still had the barely working jukebox in the corner and graffiti covered bathrooms. It was everything he used to be and still was.

"Hey, Jack!" the man with a fine navy blue suit said as he walked up to the bar tender Jack.

Jack had been there since the beginning but never wanted more than to tend the bar and he loved him for that. Jack wasn't ambitious like he was and he didn't talk much but he was strong and smart. They met in boot camp and after their respective stints on the front lines against totalitarianism were over the man had called him up and offered him a job at his newly purchased bar. Jack said 'why not' and hadn't left the place since. The man made him part owner a few years later after he had moved onto purchase more and more properties.

"How ya doing you old fuck!" the man said with a smile as they shook hands.

"Same as always," Jack said with a smile that most of the patrons would never see.

They both looked around the bar to make sure nothing had changed and when they were satisfied the man looked at Jack, nodded and went to the back room to check the books. A few moments later a couple of leather clad bikers came bursting through the door which slammed against the wall. They continued their raucous conversation as they made their way to the counter where Jack was waiting.

"So I stabbed him in the gut and stood back to watch him bleed," the shorter of the two bikers finished his sentence and then looked at Jack who was not smiling anymore. "Two Whiskeys," he said and then turned to the taller biker to continue his story. "I got three days in the hole for that one," he said and his friend laughed with approval.

Jack poured whiskey into two shot glasses and handed them over but as he turned to put the bottle back the taller biker grabbed at the bottle and said, "leave the bottle." The biker was surprised when Jack's grip did not allow this to happen.

"Don't make trouble," the smaller one said doing his best to look tough. "We'll pay," he said resting his right hand on the top of a very large knife on his belt.

Jack noticed the hand gesture and reluctantly release the bottle to the biker who thought this was a distinct victory.

The smaller one was the talkative type and continued telling story after story about exploits in violence and mayhem while the taller one continued to laugh and agree that his friend certainly was a tough son of a bitch. They drank most of the bottle before they got up to leave. The taller one stared at Jack and pulled his jacket to the side to show a gun tucked under his armpit. Jack looked at it and continued cleaning a glass unimpressed as the two turned with their pride intact, for now, and walked out into the sunlight.

As they approached their Harley Davidson bikes they found that the tires were flat and were outraged. In a huff they turned around to see a man in a bright Navy suit standing in their way.

"Hello boys!" the man said grinning like a school boy in a candy shop. "I was listening to your conversation in the bar and I just had to meet you. You are my kind of people," He started slowly walking forward as he spoke. "You take what you want and you step on those that get in your way. Reminds me of me in a way. I took what I wanted and I made my fortune stepping on those that got in my way. Maybe, one day, you two will do the same."

Just then the taller man began to reach into his coat but the man in the suit was too fast. He ran a few steps, lunged forward and hurled his shoulder into the biker's chest as the gun made a loud pop under the jacket sending a bullet through the biker's left bicep. With a thud the two hit the ground and dust exploded into the air around them. The man in the suit reached over and grabbed the gun off the ground next to him and hit the biker in the head with it knocking him out. Before he could stand up the other biker was on his back, a large knife nearing his throat. In a flash he grabbed the biker's wrist stopping the knife within millimeters of his flesh. With the silver pistol in his left hand he wrapped the pistol against the biker's head rapidly until he too fell to the ground unconscious.

The man stood up, brushed his navy blue suit off and looked down at the two men lying in the dirt. He searched them and found one more knife and a wallet, which he took thirty dollars out of and walked back into the bar. Jack was cleaning the counter and looked up to see the man holding two knives, a gun and some cash.

"Call an ambulance, will you Jack?" the man said as he dumped the items onto the counter.

Jack looked at the man, nodded and walked over the wall where a phone was hanging. The confident man in the suit sat at the counter where a shot of brandy, a cigarette and a lighter were waiting for him. He took the shot, lit the cigarette and examined the shiny pistol while he smoked.

Jack finished the call and walked over the man who looked up and said, "This is a piece of shit. Why do douchbags always have piece of shit firearms?"

"Because they're pieces of shit," Jack said nonchalantly.

They both turned and gazed at the bar contently to make sure nothing had changed. It hadn't.

Thoughts On Storytelling and Consciousness

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
― Henry Ford

As humans developed language they were better able to teach and pass on adaptive strategies for survival.

Storytelling is the most effective way to pass on lessons. It takes the lesson and puts it into context which makes it much easier to relate to and remember. Songs do an even better job of helping people remember by adding patterns and rhyming to the story.

I wonder if people started using language to impart helpful information about survival and emotional states before they were able to observe themselves in a conscious way. It seems that many animals have a language or other form of communication but we do not think of them as conscious or of having a sophisticated self awareness and certainly not free will. This would indicate that language evolved prior to consciousness, if consciousness is a new phenomenon so it is reasonable to think that people were telling primitive stories prior to the modern conception of consciousness.

I think that storytelling may be the precursor to the development of consciousness and the more complex the storytelling the more complex the expression of consciousness can manifest. To tell a story is typically to incorporate time into the information being communicated. It also involves the creation of characters, archetypes and perspectives. If communication can develop from primitive grunts to sophisticated storytelling then it may be possible that consciousness is a product of this development.

This would explain why we are so drawn toward narratives and stories. We understand identities and memories as stories that we tell ourselves and others. The more abstract the language the more abstract the self identity and since abstraction seems to be beneficial it grows and is propagated throughout time ever adapting.

I don't think that consciousness came about like a switch being turned on. I think it is the result of incremental advancements in communication over long periods of time. It is a social and mental adaptation that is much more subtle and illusive than physical characteristics. It hides in the brain and taunts from the shadows.

As humans increased in population they begin to interact with others who do not communicate in the same way and therefor do not think in the same way. They would have differing principles and expectations for how one should act. This can lead to conflict but if the two groups can come to an understanding and find some mutual benefits in working together they can trade and intermingle which would allow for more potential adaptation and refinement of survival strategies.

In the modern world groups have become very entrenched in their ideas and some survival strategies seem to work better than others and some are certainly not compatible with others. National identities consist of individual identities which are products of stories.

This is all to say that storytelling is a very powerful force aiding human expansion and proliferation. Storytelling is also a powerful tool for defining the self. Telling yourself a story of woe and sorrow defines the parameters that you see enclosing you, just as telling yourself a story of triumph and empowerment can free you to be the hero of your own story.

"Be the hero of your own movie. If your life was a movie and it started now. Forget about whatever financial disasters you’ve had, personal failures, relationship failures. What would the hero of your life’s movie do right now? Do that, do those things. We define ourselves far too often by our past failures. We look at our past and we say, “Well that’s me”. That’s not you, you are this person right now. You’re this person right now, you’re the person who’s learned from those failures and you can choose to be the hero of your own movie right now. Write down your goals, write down things you want to improve, write down things you won’t tolerate from yourself, write down things that you’ve done in the past that you never want to see yourself do again. And go forth, from here, as the hero of your own movie. Build momentum. Build confidence and momentum with each good decision that you make from here on out. You can do it, anyone can do it. We live in unique times. We live in one of the rarest times in human history where you can choose almost all the input that comes your way, whether it’s the movie that you watch, the books you read, the podcasts you listen to. You can choose to be inspired. Do that. Do that and be the hero of your own movie."
— Joe Rogan

Too Abstract

Sometimes people speak too abstractly and lose something in the translation. Such as when a headline says, "Wrestling still isn't sure what to do with women..." What they really mean is that women do not occupy a major role in the wresting industry. "Wresting" isn't a thing that can do things to women. People personify concepts such as "wresting" and give it agency. This is partly in an attempt to understand it better and creates a subject in which to assign blame. You can't understand something better by defining it incorrectly and to blame a concept incapable of physical action is irrational.

Another example of this is when someone says "we" when referring to all people. Someone may say, "We are all just animals," or, "We all want happiness," or, "We are fundamentally good," what they are doing is abstracting their own concept of who they are and projecting it onto the world of people. In many cases it would be more accurate to say "I" in these circumstances. (One can make accurate generalizations about all humans but they have to be based on some evidence and not just an assertion about the nature of humanity.) Also, I used absolute examples here, which is another example of people not using precise language. Absolutes are rarely accurate.

When people use idioms and cliches too much they are also utilizing abstraction to a degree that can lead to a lack of precise thinking and communicating. Prescribed phrases such as, "Obviously" or, "Don't cry over spilt milk", allow people to blurt out what seems like the right thing to say but is really just an automatic response indicating a lack of contemplation and autonomy. (More examples of idioms: http://www.smart-words.org/quotes-sayings/idioms-meaning.html)

“The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.”
― George Orwell, Politics and the English Language

I try to listen for people blathering and I wonder whether they know just what they have said. 

The art of bullshitting becomes a fast friend to those that find it difficult to admit that they don't know something. Abstraction makes this easier as well. Saying vague things like, "Boys will be boys," or, "it is was it is," one can hide in the abstract instead of the concrete and plain. 

Try to use your own words and think about what it is you're actually trying to communicate. It isn't always necessary to create an elaborate metaphor or use a pithy phrase. Sometimes, "I'm hungry," or,"I'm sad" are more effective than, "I could eat a horse" or, "It is what it is." 

Metaphors can be very powerful tools for communication so sometimes they are highly effective and aid the speaker in relating a concept to their audience and I have used plenty of pithy phrases but I think it is important to get out of the automatic response system and search for the right words to express myself as much as possible. It can be clunky at times and awkward pauses are bound to happen but I enjoy the rare occasions where I say exactly what I'm thinking. 

Thoughts on Postmodernism

If Postmodernism can be characterized as a philosophy predicated on the denial of logic, science and reason, then by what standard do they substantiate their claims?

Without a standard measurement tool to judge the validity of a claim all claims are valid, therefore, in order to decide which claim should be followed one must rely on some form of scheme or model that becomes a mechanism to reach an ideal outcome.

There have been no better tools for exacting change in the world than those of the logical and scientific kind.

Why should I believe that logic, debate, math, science and capitalism are only tools of "the oppressor" without appealing to some attempt at a logical argument?

You can't just say that it is true because you say it's true. Then anything anyone said could be true. "That's a rock," one could say. "That's a tree," another might say. But if they are both pointing at the same thing and have distinct definitions of the words rock and tree, then both cannot be true. If there is any kind of truth it would be one that helped people navigate the differences between a rock and a tree.

The degree to which two people can communicate honesty and accurately is related to the degree to which they agree on the definitions of the words they use. In other words, the less agreement in definitions the more communication breaks down, and without rational discourse the only options left are fight, flight or submit.

If one person defines freedom as freedom to forcing others to act and another person defines freedom as the freedom from other people's actions and another defines freedom as freedom to act then a discussion on freedom between these people will most likely become contentious. Especially because they all prescribe their own boundaries of the others' precious freedoms.

In order to persuade others, in a world where the value of intelligence is increasing, you would be advised to utilize the tools of the intelligent.

A reason that Postmodern believers are achieving so much at certain Universities, in that they are achieving violence, suppression, destruction, etc., is because that type of behavior is strictly prohibited in the normal world outside certain Universities. The Universities that allow for mayhem to occur on their campuses are not setting a good example to their students about how the real world works.

In the real, working world, you don't get to foist your opinions on others by way of force. In order to succeed in a free market economy you have to get along and cooperate with others. If you want to use force then you will be met with force and if you break the law you will be met with an unbalanced return of force in order to swiftly punish those that cause violence.

If a Postmodernist were to propose laws that infringe on other's freedoms then they will be making the claim that their laws are just and lead to some ideal outcome. Luckily there is a mechanism for determining how strong this statement is. Unluckily though, the mechanism is logic, reason, science, debate and all the things Postmodernists believe are only tools of the oppressors.

Isn't someone who is currently oppressing others' freedoms, such as the freedom of association, freedom of speech, and freedom from violence, a tool of the oppressor?

If you want to fight oppression then at least fight the real oppressor, the government, not fellow citizens trying to pay their rent and shit. Taxes, unjust acts, wrongful imprisonment, corruption, etc., all all products of the governments around the world. What mechanism is in place to squelch these indiscretions in the government? At least in capitalism one can opt out of supporting a business regime they find destructive and immoral.

If words can oppress then any words a Postmodernist says can and will be used against them in the court of public opinion.