I know what everyone's been wondering. And I mean everyone. They've been wondering about my fingernails. They look normal now which is saying a lot considering a year ago they were horrifying. They looked like the mutilated remnants of a carnivorous beast. They were as scarred as the creature tormenting them and creating in them a physical manifestation of what happens to the soul when repressed emotions, self-doubt and anxiety rule the mind.
I started biting my nails when I was very young. I know this because I can remember biting them when I still lived in California. We moved from California to Oregon when I was 6 so I was definitely under that age. If I were to guess I think I was more like 3 years old. Even as the memory is fading with time it remains one of my most vivid early memories.
One night my parents were fighting and screaming at each other. I was in a room, possibly all alone, and I remember a soft blue light coming through a window near me. I was worried and I imagined my father throwing my mom through the window and her falling to her death. This was all in my imagination but the fear was real and I can remember biting my nails then.
Since then biting my fingernails became a constant part of my life. It got to the point that they never really bled or hurt anymore even when they got so low the nail was just a sliver. I would nibble at them constantly and when I wasn't nibbling I was scanning them for imperfections and edges to later devour. Sometimes I would notice myself doing this and others would tell me I was doing it. The sound of it was nauseating to some and frustrating to others.
The look of my nails was concerning to most but to me, my nails were just a product of a deeply ingrained compulsion. One that I would most likely never stop engaging in. I am 32 now and for at least 25 of those years biting my nails had been an automated behavior. I was ashamed of my lack of self-control, of repressing the roots of my anxiety and feeling helpless to change.
But things do change. A couple of years ago I decided to take care of myself and stop punishing myself for not living up to an ideal I hadn't defined yet. I never felt good enough and I'm sure I didn't feel safe for a lot of my life but I began to ask myself questions to better understand who I want to be and where I'm from. How much of my current situation is my fault? I decided I would start to test myself as if I could achieve something good for myself and maybe help others too.
I started to look at the virtues and principles that I was actually living by and asking myself what virtues and principles do I want to live by? How do I act in accordance with my ideals and not let excuses and history drag me down? How do I live with meaning, purpose, and love and not with guilt, anxiety, regret, and resentment?
People who care about their future protect it by how they act today. So I decided I would lose weight. Not to look better but in order to be stronger, more disciplined and live longer. Looking better is a nice bonus and a long life will be hell without the muscles to keep you going. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months and after a while maintaining my weight was less of a challenge and I decided I needed a new self-esteem boosting challenge. A few months into 2016 I decided to tackle a big one.
Instead of attempting to quit my nasty nail biting habit overnight I simply gave myself until the end of the year. I wasn't going to give myself a hard time if I bit my nails because the goal was to be mindful of my commitment to quit and work on paying attention to my actions. A couple weeks in and I was already biting my nails less and the more I notice myself noticing myself biting my nails the more I noticed myself biting my nails and I could stop more and more.
I've made it well past 2016 and I've nearly completely stopped biting my nails. Every once in a while I nibble a bit and I still constantly monitor the tips of my fingers but I think I'm doing well. I've had to learn how to clip and file them which has been interesting because it always seemed like a solely feminine thing to do. Now I see it as another tool for maintaining my commitment to not biting my nails.
I believe that it's good for the brain to engage in novel tasks and new challenges and I also think living according to one's values strengthens self esteem. Taking freedom and personal responsibility seriously takes self awareness, curiosity and effort.
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