On Getting Older and Living Up To Values

Something no one told me about when I was growing up was that as you get older you start to identify and develop your values. Then, as you are doing this, you also start to look at yourself and if you are critical you realize that developing your values is complicated and that living up to your own values is very difficult. So difficult that you find that you are forever in a loop of evaluating your actions, determining how shitty you are compared to the way you want to be. Then you either try to adjust your value system to justify your actions or you demean yourself for being too weak to live up to your own values.

Then you realize that your self-esteem is directly related to your ability to live up to your own values which means that it is now your responsibility to develop your own self-esteem. Now that you can't blame others (your parents) for how you feel about yourself you have to look at your own actions and begin to do the things that will make you feel that you are living up to your own values. This requires taking a hard look at the morals and virtues that you determine to have value and will make you the kind of "hero of your own story," as Joe Rogan might put it.

So, you look at your health, because you want to be the kind of person that looks like they care about themselves and maybe even the kind of person that is attractive to others. You start to exercise and eat better food and you find that in a few months you are actually doing a thing that makes you less depressed, less resentful and you stop thinking so much about the past and start looking at the future as something that might matter and that you might matter but then you look at your job. Your job is shit and working for those corporate robots makes you feel like you are wasting your life and contributing nothing to the world.

You decide to write more, make Youtube videos, and learn new skills. You take up hobbies and spend time maintaining friendships with people because you want to be the kind of person that has deep relationships with people you respect. Then you decide to have hard conversations with your parents which only goes to prove that they don't know more than you and will never provide the kind of leadership and guidance that you needed and still need so you come to realize that only you are in charge of yourself and that's it and that you are kind of alone. This puts all the responsibility on yourself to make your life the best it can be but since that is subjective and complicated you just continue to work and do things that increase your self-esteem by convincing yourself that you are capable of accomplishing difficult and somewhat meaningful things because you want to be the kind of person who others look at and see what you have done difficult and meaningful things.

All the while a nagging doubt, pessimism, and hauntingly nihilistic voice speaks up saying "you're just going to die in the end, it doesn't matter and you are worthless". Then you do as many pushups you can do or you smoke a cigarette or you get a little drunk but in the back of your negative mind you still want to live up to your values and you know that if you feel like shit it is your fault. There are things you can do to not feel like a shitty person so if you feel like shit it is because you want to feel like shit and you would only want to feel like shit if you think that is what you are but you don't think that. Someone else does. Someone in your life made you feel that deep down you are a worthless piece of shit and although it haunts you you know that it's not true.

Because you want to be the kind of person who doesn't believe the negativity implied by a childhood of neglect and abuse. You want to be the kind of person who overcomes negativity and does something worthwhile in the world even if you only accomplish convincing yourself that you are worthwhile. So you keep learning new skills, doing things that are difficult like taking responsibility, working and creating value in the world. You try to live up to the virtues you hold paramount. You try to live how you would want everyone else to live. You want to have integrity, bravery, and strength. You want to be unrelentingly honest with yourself and practically honest with others. You want to be wise and patient. You want to be humble but confident. You want to be the kind of person that others look to for guidance and leadership. You want to be better than your parents. Better than others. Better than yourself.

Sometimes you get confused and forget who you want to be and you are just yourself. At those times you just act and others get to see the true you and you get to forget yourself and who you want to be. You stop criticizing and stop thinking and stop pretending. You stop faking it and just make it. You just are. And then you realize you just told someone to stop being a pussy ass little bitch and you go back to realizing that you don't know shit and your kind-of a terrible person.

I think as I get older the time it takes to get over mistakes grows shorter and the total number and severity of the mistakes tend to go down with a few monumental exceptions.

I hope that I pick the right values and I hope I am strong enough to live up to them.

Forgotten Tweets: They Never Had A Chance

This is a collection of tweets that I decided not to post. Until now. 

Twitter @JoeGrins

Click to Enlarge

Mill St. Apartment

The first day I moved into the place on Mill St. a U.S. Marshall asked me if I knew which apartment was number two. Being my first day there I had no idea. As I walked up to my new apartment, on the second floor, I looked back to see two men in body armor serve a forced entry warrant on the neighbors directly below where I would end up living for over three years. I quickly made it to my new apartment and waited as to not get in the way of any armed men. After waiting a few minutes I looked outside my bathroom window and parked in front was a murdered out van and even more officers with "U.S. Marshall" on their backs talking to each other on the sidewalk. An abrupt way to learn about the neighborhood.

Not more than three days later there was a uniformed officer standing outside the neighbor to the right's house. He stood there for a long time and a police car was parked outside for a long time as well. The next day I talked to my new neighbor, Tony and he said that it was a suicide but I never confirmed that so who knows what happened. 

Even with the troubles that come with living in a cheap apartment, run by slum lords, in downtown Springfield, Oregon I miss that place just a little. It had ants once, mice twice and I received 4 tickets for parking on the curb next to it. I had a neighbor who had seizers and was slashed by a knife in the head, by a bum, down at the park nearby. There was a beehive swarming with thousands of bees right outside the back door most of the time and the cops came by a few more times. 

But I am still fond of that apartment. It was the first place I had all to myself. Well, at first I shared it with my girlfriend at the time but it was technically mine. We made a little life there for a while but broke up around a year or so into living there. That's when I found out what it is like to really have my own space. 

I started going on bike rides along a bike path that ran along the beautiful Willamette River which was just a few hundred yards away. I would go on long walks along the river watching the water rush and churn along the banks and think about life. I found a few different swimming spots that I would bike to in the summer. 

The opposite direction of the river was Main Street. There was a market that sold exotic meats like elk, rabbit, and chicken. There was an amazing restaurant where you could get an amazing burger and a great beer. There were great Tai and Mexican places too, and some decent breakfast places; all within walking distance. 

I had a lot of sex in that apartment. I decided to start to act like I cared about myself and my future in that apartment. I changed my outlook more than a few times and had many great conversations in that apartment. I got too high off of a pot cookie and stayed up until 4:30 in the morning pacing around contemplating life in that apartment.

Mill Street was a base camp for adventures in self-discovery and a jumping off point to the new things I am doing now. 

How and Why I Quit Biting My Nails

I know what everyone's been wondering. And I mean everyone. They've been wondering about my fingernails. They look normal now which is saying a lot considering a year ago they were horrifying. They looked like the mutilated remnants of a carnivorous beast. They were as scarred as the creature tormenting them and creating in them a physical manifestation of what happens to the soul when repressed emotions, self-doubt and anxiety rule the mind.

I started biting my nails when I was very young. I know this because I can remember biting them when I still lived in California. We moved from California to Oregon when I was 6 so I was definitely under that age. If I were to guess I think I was more like 3 years old. Even as the memory is fading with time it remains one of my most vivid early memories.

One night my parents were fighting and screaming at each other. I was in a room, possibly all alone, and I remember a soft blue light coming through a window near me. I was worried and I imagined my father throwing my mom through the window and her falling to her death. This was all in my imagination but the fear was real and I can remember biting my nails then.

Since then biting my fingernails became a constant part of my life. It got to the point that they never really bled or hurt anymore even when they got so low the nail was just a sliver. I would nibble at them constantly and when I wasn't nibbling I was scanning them for imperfections and edges to later devour. Sometimes I would notice myself doing this and others would tell me I was doing it. The sound of it was nauseating to some and frustrating to others.

The look of my nails was concerning to most but to me, my nails were just a product of a deeply ingrained compulsion. One that I would most likely never stop engaging in. I am 32 now and for at least 25 of those years biting my nails had been an automated behavior. I was ashamed of my lack of self-control, of repressing the roots of my anxiety and feeling helpless to change.

But things do change. A couple of years ago I decided to take care of myself and stop punishing myself for not living up to an ideal I hadn't defined yet. I never felt good enough and I'm sure I didn't feel safe for a lot of my life but I began to ask myself questions to better understand who I want to be and where I'm from. How much of my current situation is my fault? I decided I would start to test myself as if I could achieve something good for myself and maybe help others too.

I started to look at the virtues and principles that I was actually living by and asking myself what virtues and principles do I want to live by? How do I act in accordance with my ideals and not let excuses and history drag me down? How do I live with meaning, purpose, and love and not with guilt, anxiety, regret, and resentment?

People who care about their future protect it by how they act today. So I decided I would lose weight. Not to look better but in order to be stronger, more disciplined and live longer. Looking better is a nice bonus and a long life will be hell without the muscles to keep you going. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months and after a while maintaining my weight was less of a challenge and I decided I needed a new self-esteem boosting challenge. A few months into 2016 I decided to tackle a big one.

Instead of attempting to quit my nasty nail biting habit overnight I simply gave myself until the end of the year. I wasn't going to give myself a hard time if I bit my nails because the goal was to be mindful of my commitment​ to quit and work on paying attention to my actions. A couple weeks in and I was already biting my nails less and the more I notice myself noticing myself biting my nails the more I noticed myself biting my nails and I could stop more and more.

I've made it well past 2016 and I've nearly completely stopped biting my nails. Every once in a while I nibble a bit and I still constantly monitor the tips of my fingers but I think I'm doing well. I've had to learn how to clip and file them which has been interesting because it always seemed like a solely feminine thing to do. Now I see it as another tool for maintaining my commitment to not biting my nails.

I believe that it's good for the brain to engage in novel tasks and new challenges and I also think living according to one's values strengthens self esteem. Taking freedom and personal responsibility seriously takes self awareness, curiosity and effort.

Last Night's Dream

I remember a garage with cars, guns, and people in it. All of a sudden an alarm goes off and I rush out the door and a massive explosion goes off inside the garage designed to kill all the bad guys in the garage Breaking Bad style. One bad guy gets out the same door as me and someone else, a "good guy," and I attempted to take him out. The bad guy had a knife but so do I. At some point I have a revolver but miss with every shot. We scramble around but my compatriot gets the man into a chair and I stab the man a few times, aiming for the heart. I eventually get it and the man slumps over dead.

Cut to: I'm car camping with friends out on a mountain road just on the shoulder. I have a small red car, maybe a VW bug or an old hatchback Honda, and my friends have a van. In the morning I look to find that overnight someone has stolen my engine and transmission which is weirdly visible from under the car or would be visible if it hadn't been stolen.

I call the local police and can barely make out what they are saying due to noise on my end. I ask the lady to repeat herself a lot but she is asking where I am and such. I tell her I can't really tell what road because there are multiple sign with different writing on them but everything is hand written in chalk. I think I'm on a road with a 47 in the title. At this point multiple teenagers are around me riding skateboards making it even harder to hear. The lady informs me that she knows someone who can help me how my car back to Portland.

Another Strange Dream

Two nights ago I had a very vivid and disturbing dream. It was a two parter.

Two nights ago my dream was about me negotiating with my old boss to get my old job back. I explained to her that I now owned one third of a successful printing company and that in order for me to accept the job I need a whopping $20 an hour. I remember calculating in my head, during the dream, how much I made when I left and adding a few dollars an hour. I was very proud of this negotiation.

Later in the dream I found myself at my new printing business inspecting the facilities. When I tried to look at the financial and other business documents on a computer the menu indicated that they were in either Russian or Spanish. I would need them translated immediately.

Then the dream took a very different turn. I was in a small dark room with a close friend from high school. They were giving me a blowjob but there was no pleasure to it. More like a fact. Cut to the next day, same room, and they said it was my turn to return the favor. I explained that I simply wouldn't do it and that I was sorry about the confusion. The friend was very hurt and left angry.

I woke up disturbed.

On the Instability of the Modern World

Long ago, when parents knew what the future held, they tought their children how to live. They understood the seasons, how to hunt and farm, where to find water and they knew how men came to have wives. The circle of life was hard yet predictable.

Then came the rise of cities and specialization. Everyone stopped doing everything and now people only did certain things and others did the rest. Parents knew less about what to teach their children and with time their children had less in common with their parents.

As time went on the changing tide grew more and more rapidly and no one knew what to expect or what to teach. People had less in common with each other at every level. Specialization dividing every unit of knowledge until information itself became unstable and with the future in flux the masses seek the old ways.

Anything to join a group with a cause. Teaching anything that seems to point to a future more stable than the present. Clinging to those that sell timeless truths knowing that time is plunging forward into the unknown. As humanity seizes forward the old have less to offer the young and the young split apart into islands of self indulgence and discovery.

With rapid change comes instability but the roots of morality ground our actions and guide our future even in the midst of the unknown. With ruthless self reflection and unwavering personal responsibility one can make a difference. This does not change the past or even those around you and may have no effect on the world, but it matters to the individual that looks at life and wonders what it all means.

It is no wonder that the youth feel like pioneers and the old feel angst as the young replace them. It is no wonder that the old have failed to prepare the young for a world they can't predict and never saw coming. Holding on to the past only helps if it acknowledges the truth of the changing of the world and accepts the limits of our knowledge. Those truths that ground morality must remain while the forces that stifle connection must wither or else the future is lost to the chaos that comes from technological advancement.

It was surreal and almost pleasant (Dream Diary)

02/03/2017 after midnight whilst sleeping

Last night I had an amazingly vivid and curious dream. Here are the parts I remember:

It was in the future 20 or so years. I was in a very small apartment with my brother and others. It was in the city I think and it was very cramped. The room was designed to accomplish a lot in a small amount of space. At one point I asked about what I missed and all the technology looked different and weird. There was a TV that had an old fashioned knob that was floating away from the screen. The scene reminded me of "The Fifth Element" or "Blade Runner". (I am reading "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep".)

At one point I was inspecting a trophy case that had memorabilia and on the left side where remnants of my early contributions to Fractal Focus but instead of being video or photography they were just crafts with symbols and painting of them. Like rocks or pottery that I had decorated. And on the right side I remember looking up at a much bigger set of accomplishments that represented what my brother had done for the business and after that, while I had been gone. The business had come and gone and I had no idea what had happened.

Then It cuts to a big house on a hill with trees surrounding it. I am foggy on the details here but I think it involved family and learning more about what I had missed.

Then I am on a row boat in the ocean where whales are breaching the water very close by. Someone else and I are on our way to find my friend Justin that I haven't seen in the 20 or so years I had been gone. He was being held prisoner on a sub that was parked outside the city. (I saw a sub at OMSI recently and my friend Justin lives on the coast.) When we get to the sub we board the top and I hear something coming from a metal tube sticking out the top of the sub. I hear my friend Justin singing a made up funny song that is coming from a small slit in the side of the tube. I sing back down to him something about being there to see him and I remember coming up with something clever involving my name.

That is what I remember. It wasn't scary. It was like waking up from a coma and realizing the world had gone on without you. It was surreal and almost pleasant.

I expect people I deal with to be respectful

02/03/2017 at 1 am

Yesterday my brother and I had a meeting with a friend about a recent photo shoot and some other design and business stuff. It was a great conversation about future goals and potential collaborations. After the meeting my brother and I talked about what is important in a business relationship and number one is communication. You have to be on the same page from conception to payment or one party might start to attribute intentions and motivations that might not be accurate. It is easy to assume that someone else is disregarding you on purpose but they are more likely just busy, unaware, or sometimes they are straight up unprofessional.

That is why it is important to stay in communication during a project and afterwards to make sure that everyone was happy with the collaboration. Business deals should be win win even when there are compromises are there are always compromises which is why it is also important to set standards. I expect people I deal with to be respectful, prompt and honest. I expect a high degree of integrity from myself and that allows me to expect it of others. I make mistakes but it I am stronger and healthier when I own them and I respect others that strive do the same.

My brother and I also discussed how important it is to be flexible and personable in relationships. In every project you hope will exceed the clients expectations and generate fruitful future business, have some fun and do work that matters. Finding good people who are willing to work with you to further each other's goals is ideal and it is important to not take good collaborators for granted. It is equally important to make sure that you aren't being taken for granted or advantage of. Hence, communication and standards play a major role in developing positive relationships. It's also important to take good advice and not let ego get in the way.

I justed finished watching Bill Burr's new special

02/01/2017 at 12:30 am


I justed finished watching Bill Burr's new special "Walk Your Way Out" with my brother. In this special he utilizes his immense imagination and engaging stage presence to tell stories that seem to be going off the rails at times but always end up on track toward a laugh. That was a lame sentence. (I'll start over.)

The first time I saw Bill Burr was in the early 2000's when he came to my tiny, backwoods, community college. I remember thinking it was amazing and that live comedy was something special. I remember being really stoned and that someone in the audience got kicked out for being a drunk asshole. Since then I have seen a lot of Bill Burr's work from my computer. From his previous special "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" to his Netflix TV show "F is for Family". He's even in "Breaking Bad" which I'm re-watching now. I love when he is on Joe Rogan's podcast and he has his own podcast where he rants about things.

Bill Burr's special most recent special really was great. It's funny and entertaining and his characters, voices and body language are engaging and hilarious. He takes on taboos with ease and a biting humor and his observations are dark, grounded in reality, playful and maybe a little whimsical. I relate to his sensibilities minus some of the anger. I'd recommend it to anyone who isn't afraid to hear someone speak their mind.

Other than that I went to work earlier and I am becoming more self reliant. I feel like I know the people that work there better and I'm more comfortable helping customers. After work I came home and caught up with my brother about business stuff. A couple things are not going as well as we wish they would. Getting funding from one source didn't work out, a client is late on a payment, our custom e-mails aren't working. Minor things ultimately, but they are frustrating. We have a meeting tomorrow about a previous job and branding. I am excited to see what is next for the business.

I was off today

01/29/2017 at 12:30 am

I was off today. I spent the day taking care of a few simple chores. I added my work schedule to the calendar that I share with my brother. Then I worked on filing my taxes via an online source. It was pretty straight forward with the exception of a couple items but they were insignificant to worry about. I filled it out the best I could with the information I had and it's done now. After that I went to Winco to get groceries and then I read for about an hour, passed out for half and hour and then read again for about a half an hour. Then, around 6:30, I took a quick trip to McDonald's to indulge in some sweet and savory treats. I ate too much but it's good to indulge sometimes.

After that we watched a couple of episodes of "Dexter". Then I did my laundry and now I'm watching "Breaking Bad". It was a relaxing day and somewhat productive. Tomorrow I start getting paid a little bit more from my, now, full time job.

It was a great photo shoot

01/28/2017 at 12 am

I went to work and ran around helping customers and talking to other employees. My boss offered me a promotion and I accepted. It goes in effect on Sunday. It will be good to make closer to what I used to and I'll get more hours. I need to make sure to make time for the business but having money to spend on the business will be good too. I can't really afford all my bills on the paycheck I got today so for the next couple weeks I will end up in the hole financially but not for long. My next paycheck and tax returns will help dig me out.

After work my brother and I went to a meeting with a friend of his at a local pub. It had an amazing sausage banger with possibly the best mustard on the side I have ever had. The restaurant is called Horse Brass Pub. Good atmosphere. Very "Portland", if that's a thing that makes sense. We chatted about working in the video production business and some of the considerations to have when starting from scratch to make something successful. It was a worthwhile conversation.

Then we came home and worked on getting photos narrowed down for our client. We watched some "Dexter" with the Misses and then finalized our photo picks and sent the client a link. 24 hour turnaround on a shit ton of photos is pretty good. Ended up with a lot of great photos. Here is one:

It was a great photo shoot. I'm not sure what could be more fun than hanging out with 50 dogs in the woods. I hope there is more of this kind of work in the future.

After that my brother and I watched an episode of "Bob Ross" and now this.

Today I woke up around 6 am

01/27/2017 at 12 am

Yesterday I got up and my brother picked me up to go to the bank. We spent about an hour and a half setting up business accounts for Fractal Focus. After that lunch and then I shipped something back to a client. After that I worked on business finances and personal finances and prepared for upcoming bills and taxes. Then my nephew and I played some Dark Souls 3. After that dinner, "Dexter" and started reading "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Phillip K. Dick. Then I went to bed and dreamt.

Today I woke up around 6 am, got dressed and headed out with my brother to meet a friend. Our friend drove us to a rural town nearby where we would be shooting photography for a company there. We played in the mud and shot photos of dogs for about two hours. It was a lot of fun and we got a lot of great pics. Here is one I like:

It's not the best photo but it is intense. The dogs were just playing. You can freeze interesting moments with a camera.

The photo shoot was a lot of fun and as soon as we got back we started going through the near 2,000 photos we took. We got it down to about 200 by the end of the day. We watched an episode of "Dexter" and now I'm watching "Breaking Bad" whilst writing this. I work tomorrow and then a dinner meeting with a friend of my brother's who does video work as well.

My Thoughts on Sam Harris and Jordan B. Peterson's conversation on "Truth"

01/24/2017 at 12 am

Today I worked from 12:45 to 5pm at the retail job. I am becoming more comfortable there  with answering phones, getting items out of the back, helping customers with odd requests and things like that. After work I came home to my brother talking about a podcast where Sam Harris and Jordan B. Peterson have a 2 hour discussion about the meaning and application of the word truth. Sam believes that there are scientific facts that we call truths and Jordan believes that no matter the truth claim it must be put into a moral framework where it isn't "absolutely" true but merely "proximally" true. They go back and forth and I recommend listening to the entire thing if you like epistemology or semantics or you enjoy somewhat tedious philosophical conversations in general. You can watch the Youtube of it here.

My brother and I talked about what the word "true" means and how it isn't as simple as one might think. There are facts but facts can be overturned and what are the use of facts without a moral framework to guide where we search for and what we "should" do with facts. Is there an ultimate "truth" and if so how do we recognize it when we see it or can it truly be known at all? Jordan seemed to want to reserve the use of the word "truth" only for instances that can be argued that the consequence of that truth is beneficial to humans in a Darwinian or Pragmatic fashion. Sam seemed to be arguing that for the sake of conversation one has to grant a certain amount of "truth" to statements based on their scientific validity and accuracy and that it isn't necessary to look at every truth claim as a representation of a greater truth that can only be revealed by examination of the outcome toward humans. 

For example: 2 + 2 = 4. That is either true or false (or unknown) but it doesn't seem to require an examination of higher moral truths to accept and even if humans did not exist wouldn't this be true? Maybe not. Maybe it is impossible to examine any statement without presupposing that a human is involved in some stage of its conceptualization, from thinking it to communicating about it and so on.

For example: The dog is blue. This statement is either true or false (or unknown) and it does not contain any moral content at all. It isn't good or bad that the dog is or isn't blue. So if the dog is blue then a rational person should accept the statement "The dog is blue" is simply true. 

For example: It is immoral to steal. This is a moral statement and I think it is either true or false (or unknown) based on the moral framework that one uses to asses its validity. I think Sam would argue that there is a way to do this scientifically but I think he would also say that there may be holes in the scientific explanation that need to be filled in with reason, logic, and philosophy. He might also add that some subjective or "spiritual" considerations might be made in order to understand the statement's validity. What I gather from the podcast is that Jordan B. Peterson would say that the statement is either true or false based on whether or not it leads to an outcome that suits the survive-ability of the individual and the species. He might also say that this statement is void of context and therefore it is unrealistic to take it seriously as a case worth discussing. He might ask, "Who stole, why did they steal," or "what lead to them stealing" and such questions in order to assess the underlying truth of the statement and I don't think he is wrong to ask those questions. 

I think Jordan is right in not capitulating to Sam when Sam brings up thought experiments that require a lot of presuppositions and I think real world examples would probably have been more useful here but I also think Jordan knows what Sam means when Sam explains what he means by "true" in a scientific or fact based way. I also think that Jordan came into the conversation with a desire to explain his underlying basis for morality and to disabuse Sam of his "materialist" metaphysics but in getting bogged down in the analysis of one term (Truth) he was not able to fully express his arguments against materialism and the limitations of science. Especially the limitations of science to illuminate moral truths. 

I think that the word "truth" can have a few different meanings and sometimes, for the sake of conversation, we accept one meaning in order to both further the conversation and because the meaning behind the word is known by both parties. When Sam talks about smallpox he is talking about the scientific truth relating to biological facts but when Jordan hears Sam talk about smallpox he questions the truth that underlies why smallpox is being studied. Some of the confusion in the conversation, from my perspective, is the lack of consistency when Jordan agrees that some things are true but also claims that those truths may not "really" be true when one looks at the bigger picture. A picture that one may never have the opportunity to see. 

I think that they both are very intelligent and that the term they discussed for so long is actually a fairly complicated concept. I think that it would have been interesting to have them move onto another topic and see what happens when the word "true" comes up or they might have agreed to try not using the term until they can agree on it's proper use for the purpose of their current conversation. Then they would have been forced to use other terms like "scientific fact" or "empirical fact" or "evil" instead of using true. No matter what they end up talking about I hope they talk more and put it out to the world for me to listen to. I hope it starts good conversations and leads to even better arguments. 

These are not all my thoughts but they certainly are some of them. 

Now I'm about to pass out

01/23/2017 at 1 am

Today I went to work. Then I went to my mom's house for dinner with everyone. Then, I came home and watched "Dexter". Then, I played BF1 for about an hour. Now I'm about to pass out. Not much happening today. We did send an invoice to a client so we can get paid. That is good. We have a photo shoot this week and I might get a raise at my part time gig, which might turn into a full time gig. I need to make sure I don't get wrapped up in the part time job and neglect the full time business of starting a business. I put more into the part time job than I need to but I want everyone to think I'm a hard worker and I like doing a good job for others. I like being helpful. I suppose that isn't a bad thing.

My aunt is in town

01/22/2017 at 1 am

Today started with a look at the bruised eyelid and finding that the swelling had gone down but the bruising had spread a bit. Not too worrisome and I think it is healing well. Then I got a text from my friend Channing that he would be in town in a couple of hours and we should meet up. His wife and he were going to see Louis CK live in downtown Portland this evening but had a few hours to hang out. We were going to go to the zoo but it closed early and it was raining like crazy so we decided to go to OMSI. The featured exhibit was closed so we only got to see all the kids playing with educational modules. But we got a chance to catch up and hang out and it was quite enjoyable. He signed my copy of his book and left a lovely note for me.

Then they dropped me home and I hung out for a couple of hours before a dinner out with the family. My aunt is in town, from Southern California, for a few days and we all met at a fancy restaurant to have dinner. I haven't seen my aunt in a few years and we chatted about what we had been up to and her new job and business ventures. She told me about my cousins and what they have been up to and planning on a time when I could come visit. It was very nice and everyone was there except Micah. He couldn't go because he had tickets to see Louis CK too. I ate too much and drank too much coffee. 

When we got home we watched a couple episodes of "Dexter". Then my brother and I watched half of an interview Dennis Prager by Dave Rubin. I will finish that up soon. I have work tomorrow and then dinner at mom's house with the family again. I need to have a conversation with my brother about my contribution to the business but that is for another day. 

This is a weak post

01/21/2017 at about 2 am

Today I went to work. I worked on register most of the day. I told a couple of people about my eyebrow mishap. I hope it doesn't get infected. It should be clean but it is deeper than I originally thought. As I don't have insurance at the moment I hope that it heals well on its own. I think it will.

I watched a new show today. It's called "The Fall" and it's about a serial killer and an inspector (Euro version of a detective) trying to catch him. Great cinematography and the acting is good. It's slow but suspenseful. The accents are fun too.

This is a weak post but I'm tired as fuck. I stay up to late sometimes but tomorrow is a day off.

Doesn't look like a big deal

01/20/2017 at 1 am

The weather has returned to normal and I went to work like normal. I helped customers like normal and took a break like normal. Then just as I was walking to the break room at the end of my shift to clock out I started walking with my head turned to talk to a co-worker, who was complaining incoherently, when I smashed the left side of my face against a steel pillar in the middle of the store. I looked around and no one had seen. Thank goodness. Then I felt my face and found blood on my hands. A slight amount of panic began to set in as well as the general pain emanating from my left eyebrow. I went to the break room, told the manager what happened and began treating the wound. It bled a bit but stopped fairly quickly with pressure. I looked around for small bandages but couldn't find any in any of the first aid kits.

I decided to just go home and when I got their I showed my brother. He helped get a couple of butterfly band aids on and took a few pictures of course. I applied ice to my face while we watched some Dexter and I ate dinner. Then I watched the most current episode of "Game of Thrones" and then started watching "Breaking Bad" again.

Here's a picture of my head:

Doesn't look like a big deal but it is swollen as fuck now. Smashing your head into a pillar is not recommended. 

I highly recommend it

01/19/2017 at 1 am

I participated in 2 video shoots today. One was about 2 and 1/2 hours long and the other was about 3 hours long. The first was at the home of an entrepreneur printing stickers independently. Good quality prints. They had a nippy dog but they bought us lunch so that was nice. A few hours later we had another gig at a barber shop. They had 20 or 30 people getting hair cuts and drinking and hanging out and talking. It was a really hip adult party late night at a barber shop. We took a lot of footage and will need to sort and edit it soon.

Then we came home and watched the Neil Brennan stand up special on Netflix. I started to watch it last night but after about 5 minutes my eyes dictated that I call it a night. It is an amazing special and he bares his soul on stage. He is smart, irreverent, brutally honest and brave. I think with more emotion it would have been more impactful but it is very entertaining.  I highly recommend it.  

I will decide soon

01/18/2017 at 12 am

Today was like other days. I awoke refreshed and alive, ready to take on the world. I ate some yogurt and found out that my morning energy laced juice beverage tasted funky so I threw that shit away. I conversed with the brother about business and what not and then got ready for work at the retail spot. It was very slow and I ran around helping people and working register and at one point the boss offered me a promotion. Better pay and more hours but the benefits might be the main reason to take it. I will decide soon.

I got picked up by my brother around 7 and when I got home I ate some home made chili and cornbread and we prepared to record a special edition of the Fractal Focus Podcast where we picked out top 7 reasons why businesses need video. It was a fun and educational episode full of stats plucked from websites to help inform businesses of the need for video that we could do for them.

Then we watched some "Dexter" and then I watched the last episode of "Comedy Bang Bang". Now I'm checking out the Netflix stand up special "3 Mics" by Neal Brennan but I don't think I will finish it. I might just go to bed at the end of this sentence.