Mill St. Apartment

The first day I moved into the place on Mill St. a U.S. Marshall asked me if I knew which apartment was number two. Being my first day there I had no idea. As I walked up to my new apartment, on the second floor, I looked back to see two men in body armor serve a forced entry warrant on the neighbors directly below where I would end up living for over three years. I quickly made it to my new apartment and waited as to not get in the way of any armed men. After waiting a few minutes I looked outside my bathroom window and parked in front was a murdered out van and even more officers with "U.S. Marshall" on their backs talking to each other on the sidewalk. An abrupt way to learn about the neighborhood.

Not more than three days later there was a uniformed officer standing outside the neighbor to the right's house. He stood there for a long time and a police car was parked outside for a long time as well. The next day I talked to my new neighbor, Tony and he said that it was a suicide but I never confirmed that so who knows what happened. 

Even with the troubles that come with living in a cheap apartment, run by slum lords, in downtown Springfield, Oregon I miss that place just a little. It had ants once, mice twice and I received 4 tickets for parking on the curb next to it. I had a neighbor who had seizers and was slashed by a knife in the head, by a bum, down at the park nearby. There was a beehive swarming with thousands of bees right outside the back door most of the time and the cops came by a few more times. 

But I am still fond of that apartment. It was the first place I had all to myself. Well, at first I shared it with my girlfriend at the time but it was technically mine. We made a little life there for a while but broke up around a year or so into living there. That's when I found out what it is like to really have my own space. 

I started going on bike rides along a bike path that ran along the beautiful Willamette River which was just a few hundred yards away. I would go on long walks along the river watching the water rush and churn along the banks and think about life. I found a few different swimming spots that I would bike to in the summer. 

The opposite direction of the river was Main Street. There was a market that sold exotic meats like elk, rabbit, and chicken. There was an amazing restaurant where you could get an amazing burger and a great beer. There were great Tai and Mexican places too, and some decent breakfast places; all within walking distance. 

I had a lot of sex in that apartment. I decided to start to act like I cared about myself and my future in that apartment. I changed my outlook more than a few times and had many great conversations in that apartment. I got too high off of a pot cookie and stayed up until 4:30 in the morning pacing around contemplating life in that apartment.

Mill Street was a base camp for adventures in self-discovery and a jumping off point to the new things I am doing now. 

How and Why I Quit Biting My Nails

I know what everyone's been wondering. And I mean everyone. They've been wondering about my fingernails. They look normal now which is saying a lot considering a year ago they were horrifying. They looked like the mutilated remnants of a carnivorous beast. They were as scarred as the creature tormenting them and creating in them a physical manifestation of what happens to the soul when repressed emotions, self-doubt and anxiety rule the mind.

I started biting my nails when I was very young. I know this because I can remember biting them when I still lived in California. We moved from California to Oregon when I was 6 so I was definitely under that age. If I were to guess I think I was more like 3 years old. Even as the memory is fading with time it remains one of my most vivid early memories.

One night my parents were fighting and screaming at each other. I was in a room, possibly all alone, and I remember a soft blue light coming through a window near me. I was worried and I imagined my father throwing my mom through the window and her falling to her death. This was all in my imagination but the fear was real and I can remember biting my nails then.

Since then biting my fingernails became a constant part of my life. It got to the point that they never really bled or hurt anymore even when they got so low the nail was just a sliver. I would nibble at them constantly and when I wasn't nibbling I was scanning them for imperfections and edges to later devour. Sometimes I would notice myself doing this and others would tell me I was doing it. The sound of it was nauseating to some and frustrating to others.

The look of my nails was concerning to most but to me, my nails were just a product of a deeply ingrained compulsion. One that I would most likely never stop engaging in. I am 32 now and for at least 25 of those years biting my nails had been an automated behavior. I was ashamed of my lack of self-control, of repressing the roots of my anxiety and feeling helpless to change.

But things do change. A couple of years ago I decided to take care of myself and stop punishing myself for not living up to an ideal I hadn't defined yet. I never felt good enough and I'm sure I didn't feel safe for a lot of my life but I began to ask myself questions to better understand who I want to be and where I'm from. How much of my current situation is my fault? I decided I would start to test myself as if I could achieve something good for myself and maybe help others too.

I started to look at the virtues and principles that I was actually living by and asking myself what virtues and principles do I want to live by? How do I act in accordance with my ideals and not let excuses and history drag me down? How do I live with meaning, purpose, and love and not with guilt, anxiety, regret, and resentment?

People who care about their future protect it by how they act today. So I decided I would lose weight. Not to look better but in order to be stronger, more disciplined and live longer. Looking better is a nice bonus and a long life will be hell without the muscles to keep you going. I lost 50 lbs in 9 months and after a while maintaining my weight was less of a challenge and I decided I needed a new self-esteem boosting challenge. A few months into 2016 I decided to tackle a big one.

Instead of attempting to quit my nasty nail biting habit overnight I simply gave myself until the end of the year. I wasn't going to give myself a hard time if I bit my nails because the goal was to be mindful of my commitment​ to quit and work on paying attention to my actions. A couple weeks in and I was already biting my nails less and the more I notice myself noticing myself biting my nails the more I noticed myself biting my nails and I could stop more and more.

I've made it well past 2016 and I've nearly completely stopped biting my nails. Every once in a while I nibble a bit and I still constantly monitor the tips of my fingers but I think I'm doing well. I've had to learn how to clip and file them which has been interesting because it always seemed like a solely feminine thing to do. Now I see it as another tool for maintaining my commitment to not biting my nails.

I believe that it's good for the brain to engage in novel tasks and new challenges and I also think living according to one's values strengthens self esteem. Taking freedom and personal responsibility seriously takes self awareness, curiosity and effort.

Last Night's Dream

I remember a garage with cars, guns, and people in it. All of a sudden an alarm goes off and I rush out the door and a massive explosion goes off inside the garage designed to kill all the bad guys in the garage Breaking Bad style. One bad guy gets out the same door as me and someone else, a "good guy," and I attempted to take him out. The bad guy had a knife but so do I. At some point I have a revolver but miss with every shot. We scramble around but my compatriot gets the man into a chair and I stab the man a few times, aiming for the heart. I eventually get it and the man slumps over dead.

Cut to: I'm car camping with friends out on a mountain road just on the shoulder. I have a small red car, maybe a VW bug or an old hatchback Honda, and my friends have a van. In the morning I look to find that overnight someone has stolen my engine and transmission which is weirdly visible from under the car or would be visible if it hadn't been stolen.

I call the local police and can barely make out what they are saying due to noise on my end. I ask the lady to repeat herself a lot but she is asking where I am and such. I tell her I can't really tell what road because there are multiple sign with different writing on them but everything is hand written in chalk. I think I'm on a road with a 47 in the title. At this point multiple teenagers are around me riding skateboards making it even harder to hear. The lady informs me that she knows someone who can help me how my car back to Portland.

Another Strange Dream

Two nights ago I had a very vivid and disturbing dream. It was a two parter.

Two nights ago my dream was about me negotiating with my old boss to get my old job back. I explained to her that I now owned one third of a successful printing company and that in order for me to accept the job I need a whopping $20 an hour. I remember calculating in my head, during the dream, how much I made when I left and adding a few dollars an hour. I was very proud of this negotiation.

Later in the dream I found myself at my new printing business inspecting the facilities. When I tried to look at the financial and other business documents on a computer the menu indicated that they were in either Russian or Spanish. I would need them translated immediately.

Then the dream took a very different turn. I was in a small dark room with a close friend from high school. They were giving me a blowjob but there was no pleasure to it. More like a fact. Cut to the next day, same room, and they said it was my turn to return the favor. I explained that I simply wouldn't do it and that I was sorry about the confusion. The friend was very hurt and left angry.

I woke up disturbed.

On the Instability of the Modern World

Long ago, when parents knew what the future held, they tought their children how to live. They understood the seasons, how to hunt and farm, where to find water and they knew how men came to have wives. The circle of life was hard yet predictable.

Then came the rise of cities and specialization. Everyone stopped doing everything and now people only did certain things and others did the rest. Parents knew less about what to teach their children and with time their children had less in common with their parents.

As time went on the changing tide grew more and more rapidly and no one knew what to expect or what to teach. People had less in common with each other at every level. Specialization dividing every unit of knowledge until information itself became unstable and with the future in flux the masses seek the old ways.

Anything to join a group with a cause. Teaching anything that seems to point to a future more stable than the present. Clinging to those that sell timeless truths knowing that time is plunging forward into the unknown. As humanity seizes forward the old have less to offer the young and the young split apart into islands of self indulgence and discovery.

With rapid change comes instability but the roots of morality ground our actions and guide our future even in the midst of the unknown. With ruthless self reflection and unwavering personal responsibility one can make a difference. This does not change the past or even those around you and may have no effect on the world, but it matters to the individual that looks at life and wonders what it all means.

It is no wonder that the youth feel like pioneers and the old feel angst as the young replace them. It is no wonder that the old have failed to prepare the young for a world they can't predict and never saw coming. Holding on to the past only helps if it acknowledges the truth of the changing of the world and accepts the limits of our knowledge. Those truths that ground morality must remain while the forces that stifle connection must wither or else the future is lost to the chaos that comes from technological advancement.